Not-so-nice weekend

Today was a so-so day for me. It started with me sleeping too much and waking up with a big headache. Nevermind, I forced myself to work. Today is actually my rest day but I can't rest because next week, I would be leaving for my business trip again and what has to be done has to be done by this weekend. Furthermore, I have to bring my mom to the hospital for check-up next week. That would mean, another day burnt. So, all have to be done by this weekend.

When it was time to fetch hubby from work, I left the house but found that the sun was freaking HOT. Arrghhh! That aggravated my headache! I was driving towards hubby's office. The road leading to his office was jammed packed! Why? Because everyone were going to the 2 big churches there. I needed to filter to the right to turn in to his office, but no one was willing to give way to me eventhough I tried my best to signal politely to the drivers. They just sped up so as to disallow me to cut into their bloody lane. Every people were so impatient! C'mom, you all were going to the church for religious prayers for your goodness. Can't you all be kinder instead of showing your snobbish son-of-a-bitch atttidue?? tsk...tsk...tsk....

As I was driving back, I was turning out to the main road from a small lane. I was trying to be sure that I have enough allowance to turn out. This asshole black man honk at me so loudly that I felt like killing him! I was already in a foul mood. And he further provoked me by honking at me. Just because he wanted to turn out at a dangerously small gap doesn't mean that all drivers want to die as early as him! He still had the cheek to glare at me! That really provoked me to the extreme. I sped up and gave him a loud honk! I could knocked him down if hubby didn't stop me in time. I was going mad already. Ok...I have to say that I am usually a very calm driver. I give way as much as I can, and even if other drivers did me wrong, I rarely, almost never honk at them. I am also very patient with all these nasty drivers. But today, I just snapped. I really could crushed him down. I reached a stage of feeling murderous. My vehicle swerved to the right and I really had to take a deep breath to calm myself so that I wouldn't pose a hazard to other drivers. That asshole quickly drove off.

Today, hubby is also in a cranky mood. I guess he is PMSing. I really can't stand him for scolding everyone (including me) in the house. Because of him, I felt tense throughout the whole day. In the morning when he was not around, at least I felt better eventhough I had a headache. At least, there was some peace and silence. He scolded my helper for small mistakes. In the end, after all the hoo ha, we realized it was no other than his own fault. Still, he continued to sulk and be angry. Really can't stand him!

Towards the night, it was better. We brought my parents out for dinner and the change of environment was at least more soothing.

Throughout all these, Justin and Joel are really darlings. They never create any trouble for me and constantly shower me with their love and care.

Will tomorrow be better? I don't know... I am planning for a short shopping trip in the early afternoon. If the hubby is going to show me his sulking face again, I am going to kick him out of the house and ask him go fly kite!

Demoralising..........

Today, I was at the dietician and this is part of our conversation.

Dietician - D

D : Can you weigh yourself?

I went to the weighing scale.

Me :Oh dear.... I have put on weight!

D : HUH?? Why like that? Why your weight doesn't decrease?

Me : I don't know. I have been eating very little as told. I even start exercising. I lift alittle weight to tone up my arms.

D : HUH?? You do weight lifting?? I thought I told you that you are NOT supposed to do weight lifting? No wonder you cannot slim down. I finally know the reason. It is your weight lifting. You cannot do this kind of exercise. You will only have muscles. And muscles is going to make you heavy.

Me : I do alittle weight lifting to tone up my arms. I thought it is a form of exercise because my arms are quite soft and flabby.

D : Aiyah.. all women are like that. You see I'm so slim, my arms are also flabby wat. It's ok to be flabby at the arms. (she pinch alittle of her arms to show me)

Me : Actually, I'm quite upset that with that kind of diet and proper exercise, instead of reducing weight, I am putting more weight. I thought you recommended me to exercise?

D : Yes, but you must see what kind of exercise. Your upper body is not too small so the size is enough. You can do exercise at the lower body like swimming with your legs only. Don't use your arms to swim. You can also jog.

Me : But I never enjoy jogging. So, I don't want to force myself to do something that I don't like. I enjoy swimming but swimming will definetly involve my arms.

D : Anyway, don't do weight lifting if you want to see your weight go down. Otherwise, one day if you stop weight lifting, you are going to grow fat and with your body fats and muscles, you are going to be two times your figure. You are going to be BIG. Eat less! Eat less!

Gosh! Why can't she understand that I'm not doing weight lifting to increase my body mass? Why can't she understand that all I want is just to tone up my arms?

I am feeling very discouraged by all these. All I am supposed to do is to eat lesser and lesser. Any lesser and I could probably go without food. I am already trying my best to be very careful with my food. Almost no carbo, no fried stuff, no tidbits, no sugary food, no snacks, no eggs, no diary products, no etc etc.... I may as well have NO FOOD! I said I wanted to drink a cup of milo when I was hungry at night, she said no. I said I ate a little steam meat for dinner, she said no.

Every night, whenever I am hungry, I would eat half a grapefruit. Sshhh... don't tell the hubby. He's going to be very mad.

I just dont understand. I tried my best to be on a sensible diet. I tried my best to stick to my exercise regime. By right, my weight should reduce. Why does it increase? It can be very demoralising and I'm seriously contemplating to stop my exercise. In fact, I have stopped exercising today.

Yeah, my body has firm up but what's the point of being BIG? I don't need to look like a cross trainer! I'm just very confused now. What is right and what is wrong? I have so many theories place in front of me. So what shall I choose?

Preparation for Justin zoo trip

Tomorrow, Justin is going to go for his zoo trip. As usual, I fuss around him whenever there are school trips. The reason is that Justin is a very picky eater and I'm always worried about his food.

So, just now, I cooked fried rice for him. Since tomorrow, he has to leave for school early, I'm worried that I may not have time in the morning to prepare his meal so I do so today.

What I have for his lunch box.
1. A bottle of Dutch lady milk
2. Fried rice in a lunch box warmer
3. A chupachup candy
4. 2 small pieces of chocalates
5. A pack of biscult
6. A muffin
7. A bottle of water

Actually, that is quite abit of food. When he is not around me, I simply can't bear to let him go hungry. I told him to share with his friends if he can't finish his food. The teacher is going to let him have KFC but I know he won't touch any chicken. So, I have to additional food for him.

I hope he has a good trip tomorrow. I hope he enjoys himself thoiroughly.

My Dinner

Anyone drooling??? :P



HOT and SPICY Assam Fish with eggplant, long beans and red pepper



I don't know what is this vegetables called. But it's very nice and soft.



Fried egg with silverfish. Yummy!



Vegetable soup. This one is supposed to be good for the eyes.

Master of Mischief

I was once a very good girl. But all this has changed ever since I know Jin. She is no doubt my master.

My master-of-mischief.

From her, I learn the art of irritating people. I know she is constantly hungry and I know how she has pleaded against putting food pictures up and further luring her to see them. I know I am very busy, I know I could be spending my time working, but.................... I just want to irritate the hell out of her. Bwahahaaaaaaaaa..................

My lunch today.....


Dried Mui Chai (in chinese)


Chilli Yong Tau Foo with Tao Cheiw


Brocolli with capsicum


Herbal chicken soup

*BURRPP*

Busy

It's good if I could have 36 hours in a day. Then, I would be able to finish my forever-uncompleted work, spend time with the kids, spend more time with the hubby, have wild monkey sex with him and finally be able to read that book that has been sitting around for ages - "Da Vinci Code". *LOL*

Too busy!!!!!!

Process of slimming....

I am happy to say that my diet has shown some result. To date, I have lost 3.5 kg. It is not alot but it's ok. I'm not looking at a drastic immediate weight loss. A gradual weight loss would be better.

The road to a good figure is not an easy one. I no longer followed my diet plan exactly. It was a stupid plan. How could anyone survived on a less than 1000 calories and still able to live life normally? I read somewhere a research has shown that an adult should not consume anything less than a 1000 calories per day. I am still hungry most of the times, but I am no longer as strict with the diet as before. I do try my best to follow closely. That's why the hubby is complaining that I should not be following the diet but knowing how stubborn I can get, he gives up. But he tried to cook for me whenever possible to ensure that I am still getting nutritious food. Once a week, most likely on a Saturday, I would treat myself to something sinful. Well, I reckon that I need some pampering for the whole week of hard work.

I have also become more active in my exercise regime. I tried to set aside 15 mins everyday to exercise. It is a short duration but I know that anytime longer than 15 mins, I will most probably not follow through. So, I set something more realistic and that I know I can achieve. Usually, it's low impact aerobics that I follow the exercise DVD. Sometimes, it's kickboxing. I have also started my weight training to firm up my body, and usually I start my weight training after the end of my 15 mins of exercise. My personal instructor is no other than the hubby! He is pretty good at weight training as he used to go for intensive training during his younger days. I just need to tell him where I want to tone up and he would guide me through the weight training regime and how long I should train. My arms have firm up alot. I am waiting for the day when I could confidently show off my arms and wear a halter! LOL. During the weekend, I would also drag hubby to swim too. Usually, we would swim about 10-12 laps.

My weight seems to stay at the moment. It is not showing sign of going down. The hubby told me not to worry because I am building muscles and muscles are heavier than fats.

I hope I am not too far away from my goal to reach my ideal weight. I don't want myself to slim down but gets all sickly and flabby. I want a firm and strong body. That's why I started weight training and low impact exercise. I will stay focus and aim for the best! :)

Never Say Never

I am, by nature, a very determined person. If I want to do something, I will go all the way for it. Nothing much will sway me along the way. I will tackle whatever obstacles I come cross in my path and aim for my goal. Coupled with my positive attitude and my risk taking nature, I usually (not always) will succeed in whatever goal I set for myself.

If I don't want to do something, nothing will make me move my butt. No amount of threats will change my mind. And I am not someone to succumb to threats. I will just not do it.

This personality of mine has manifested since I was a kid. I was poor in my studies. But my mother couldn't make me do my schoolwork when I didn't want to. My grades just kept dropping. I nearly failed my PSLE and I had to study for 5 years (normal stream) of my secondary school education instead of 4 years (express stream). When I realized how bad my studies had become, I sorta woke up and told myself that I would succeed in my secondary school education. From the worst class in my normal stream, just within a year, I made it to the best class in the normal stream. I was the top 3 students. In the next year, I went from the best class in the normal stream and made it to the express stream. That shorten my education years from 5 years to 4 years. At the express stream (4 years), I was being put in the worst class since I came from the normal stream. Within another 1 more year, I made it to the top class in the express stream. I had set myself a goal to make it to the express stream, and I have exceeded my expectation by making it to the best express stream and later on, graduated with good grades.

There are other instances when my determination helped me through. I gain some and I lose some. But throughout it all, my attitude remains the same. Never say never. If I want to do something, do the best of it. If not, then don't do it at all. One thing about me is that I am not a person to be sqaushed easily by other people. Yes, I may have step back alittle, but as soon as I pick myself up, I will go for it, at a more ferocious pace.

It's the same for my business. I tell myself, I am a leader of what I sell and where I sell. There will be competitors but they will be my followers. I am not arrogant. Being arrogant is the greatest mistake for any entrepreneur. I am just confident. I set myself a goal to work on, that is to remain the leader, so that I can always review whether reality deviates from my goal. And if I fall back, what should I do to make myself rise up again.

I have very little patience for people who are negative. I have very little patience for people who wants the world but sit on their butt doing nothing. To me, if you want something, jolly well get up and work for it. Don't just dream. Don't just talk. Don't just complain. Nothing out there is unacheievable if you have the will power, and you are willing to work for it. If you are contended with what you have and where you are, and find that there is no need to acheive more, then good for you. The thing is, either be contended with what you have, or get up and do something about your life if you find that something is still missing. If you just want to sit back and get jealous and bitter of what others have, then blame the world for the kind of misery you are in, and refusing to take any step forward, I will have no sympathy and respect for you.

There is a proverb, if there is a will, there is a way. And yes, I live by this proverb. It doesn't only apply to wealth or power, it applies to our day-to-day living, our family life.

If you allow yourself to fall, you will fall. If you allow yourself to rise, you will rise. But if you try but fall, learn from the mistake, get up and try again. I live by this motto and always will.

Our dinner

Today Jin came over and we had dinner. I cooked dinner and I thought I had cooked too much. I just can't believe it when Jin told me that it is not considered alot. Goodness! Sometimes I really wonder... she's so petite and her appetite can be bigger than my hubby. Needless to say, she has a much bigger appetite than me, eventhough I am fatter than her. LOL. Gosh! Where does all the food goes to??? Maybe her tummy is highly elastic or God knows where she stored all her food. Hahaa..

Lets see what we have for dinner today

1. Stir fried brocolli, cauliflower, sweet peas, carrot, Shitake mushroom, capsicum

2. Stir fried cabbage

3. Corn and carrot soup made from boiling bones.

4. Fried luncheon meat

5. Fried fritters with fish meat

6. Malay style tahu goreng (with tofu, cucumber, beansprouts and a generous amount of satay gravy on top)

7. Fish balls

15 minutes into the meal, I was already full. Next one to be full is hubby. And Jin was still going slow and strong. I think she managed to finish quite a bit of dishes with a big bown of rice.

Jin, how I wish I can eat like you and still remain your type of body. Sigh..............

Tough Sleep

I'm feeling so tired. I thought I would feel fresh today. Afterall, I had slept early yesterday at 12 midnight. But it is not what I thought.

To be frank, I cannot sleep with my son, Justin. Yeah, he is my son but I find it hard to sleep with him. I am a light sleeper. Any movement or sound and I'll wake up. After I wake up, it is almost impossible for me to sleep again.

This Justin has his own bed. We are sleeping in the same room. However, he just loves to squeeze with us in the middle of the night, everyday! Worse of all, he likes to squeeze with me, not his daddy. Arrghhh! Because of that, I have a hard time sleeping. For he doesn't sleep quietly. He would snore softly and for a light sleeper like me, it can be very irritating! I just can't get used to it. The worst of all is his kicks and turns. That is terrible! He can move around the whole bed and he kicks me with his every turn. Even when I carry him back to his bed, there he crawls back again in his half-asleep state. That's why I think I'll never have a night of peaceful sleep.

The next in my "avoid" list is the hubby! His sleeping habits sucks. And sometimes I really feel like kicking him down the bed. He kicks, turns, snatch my blanket and pillow and most of the times, almost make me fall out of bed! If that is not bad enough, just yesterday, he managed to "punch" my right eye! I woke up in shock to a sharp pain. And my right eye started to tear, not because I was upset, but because it was my eye's instant reaction to the pain. Then when I managed to fall asleep again, I suddenly felt a heavy weight pressing on my tummy. I woke up and saw a big head lying on my tummy. Who else but the hubby's! He was comfortably taking my tummy as his pillow! I took a pillow and smashed his head in! He went back to his position. But not long after, he decided my pillow was nice and shifted to where I was sleeping, and squeeze to sleep on my pillow. Argghhhh!!!

Joel, on the other hand, sleeps decently. Sometimes, you'll find him waking up in almost the same position as when you puts him to bed. He doesn't toss and turn much. He just sleeps quietly in his designated place.

Uninvited Kitty

This furry kitty came to our house uninvited. He/She was comfortably beneath our sofa when the hubby spotted it.

My lunch

Today, the hubby is off from work. I was busy with work so he whipped up a delicious lunch. He understands that I am on a low-carb diet so there is no rice or nothing too greasy or high in calories. How sweet!

Thai-style chicken slices cooked with capsicum and shitake mushrooms with thai sauce.

Stir fried brocolli, cauliflower, carrot and sweet peas

Long beans

Stewed beancurb, eggs and chicken, compliment from my mom

Vegetable soup. Oops! The spoon dropped in!

Virgin Summon

I got my first virgin parking fine yesterday. This is genuinely a mistake and I feel so stupid!

I paid for a monthly parking season ticket for parking the vehicle in my carpark. Under the ruiling, this monthly parking ticket is applicable for a few nearby carparks under the same carpark group. I was under the impression that all the carparks in my neighbourhood is applicable, which is about 3-4 carparks.

Yesterday, I went to the supermarket to buy some vegetables and rice. As I expected my groceries to be heavy, I decided to drive there and parked it near the supermarket. This supermarket is just a short distance from my house and thinking that my parking ticket can be used, I didn't put any parking coupon. When we came back to our vehicle, a white sheet of paper was attached to the windscreen, flapping at us! Agghhhhh! We got a parking fine of $50!

We called the summon department today and realised our mistake. We are trying to appeal now, and hopefully, they will be lenient with us, since we are newbie car owner. So unlucky!

Possible Disaster?

I remember some time ago, Jin had a vision. About death, about the sky turning purple, about tentage and many more. That vision appears to her 3 days in a row. I cannot find her post in her blog now. The hubby and I were guessing what sort of disaster this vision brought about. Initially, we thought it could be the earthquake that had recently shook Sumatra, Indonesia. There were causalties.

However, not long ago, the hubby told me that what happens if her vision is not about the earthquake. What happens if it is something more destructive and massive? I guess, nobody can tell. Even Jin can't tell as well. It is only when the destruction happens and Jin sees it and remembers the scene to be similar to her vision that she could be more sure of what her vision is all about.

What hubby is referring to is the probable massive volanic eruption that is expected to occur in Indonesia. Locals staying near the area have been evacuated. And this eruption is expected to be HUGE. Singapore will be affected defintely. The acidic ashes will probably fill the sky and will be all around us. That brings us to the next question, what should we do if the impact is big? The acidic ash is going to be very harmful to all of us and may be corrosive to our lungs. Justin and Joel may not be able to take the dust and ashes.

I still remember during the SARs period, mask and antiseptic lotions are very expensive due to the shortage of supplies. There was a mad rush for them. When I asked my civil defence brother what we should do in the event of a major volanic eruption that affect Singapore severely, he said that there is really nothing much we could do. We could only use the mask. Not the ordinary mask but a special kind of mask which I don't know how to describe.

Well, the future is always uncertain. I told the hubby if there is a eruption and affects all of us, maybe what we could do is to confine ourselves in our air conditioned room. Our air con will be filtered. On top of that, we will switch on our air purifier. It is not a 100% preventive measure but at least, it minimise the damage.

I mean, I hope nothing drastic will happen. But looking at the world's trend, one disaster after another, I could not help but feel alittle worried over what the world will become.

My thoughts for the day

This weekend, we are confined to home because the hubby is sick again! Within a short span of 1 month, he has fallen ill twice. Today is basically rest and relax. I was busy in the morning but come afternoon, I took a break and just did nothing. I cooked lunch and for the rest of the day, I just laze around. There were actually lots of things waiting for me to do, but what the heck! I just put them aside and don't bother.

In the evening, we brought my parents out for dinner. I tried to make it a habit to bring my parents out once a week on Saturday for dinner if I am available. Eventhough, that would mean a cut in my family time with hubby and kids, but I think the time spent with my parents are worth it. I can see that they are happy that we make an effort to bring them out. Their sons - my brothers, don't really bother to spend time with them. I am also glad to have a supportive hubby who doesn't mind spending our saturdays with my parents. In fact, he welcomes it. He is closer to my parents more than his parents.

My priority now is to make time for my family including my parents. I always feel that I am not cut out to be a business women. Family ties are more important to me than anything else. I am just shaping the business and hoping that one day, the hubby would take over it. I would support him and guide him. But ultimately I don't want to be the one to handle any business affair.

Next in my list is to be good to myself. I think I deserve it. I feel old and I want to be young again. I want to go for belly dancing. I want to do what I want to do, not what I have to do.

The third in my list is to get a pug! The only thing that stops me from getting any dogs is my lack of time to commit to a pet. I reckon that once I have more time, I would be able to look after a pet.

I would also like to do some social work, to help the poor and the terminally ill. I'm sure there would be things for me to do and to contribute. I believe life would be much more meaningful to help the less fortunate. I also hope my kids could be involved in social work for I want them to experience and to see the life of those less fortunate than them. I want them to always spare a thought for others, to be compassionate.

I'm recruiting another helper to help with my business. Hopefully, by then, I would have enough time to fulfill my wishes.

My previous work life

I worked with the tax authority. That was 6 years ago. I quit my job to look after Justin.

During my years there, I had a great time. There are different types of taxes. I specialised in handling taxes for high income foreigners/expatriates. I compute taxes, did tax planning, interviewed taxpayers and so on... They came from all over the world and it was interesting to get to know them. I remember dealing with an Indian, whenever I talked to him, he would keep shaking his head. When I explained his taxes to him, he would again, shake his head. It kinda pissed me off. I was thinking what the freaking hell he kept disageeeing with me. I later realize that shaking head, in their Indian culture, is a sign of approval. How different from us!

I hate to deal with mainland Chinese the most! They are the most picky and create the most problem!

Hubby worked with the tax authority too. He worked in a different department but it was quite a norm for us to lunch together. We also returned home together. People used to say, wouldn't we get sick seeing each other everyday? Honestly, we didn't. When we got sick of the food at the cafetaria, we decided to bring food from home for lunch. Everyday, he would heat up the food at the microwave in his department, and he had all the food laid out waiting for me to arrive, so that we could lunch together. After lunch, we would either visit the library or sometimes, I would just sleep on his desk. He would wash the bowls and cutleries. That was how lazy I was! *LOL*.

During my preggy days, everyday without fail, the hubby would buy me food and brought them to my department for me to eat. When his collegues baked bread or their department had any buffet, he would definetly took another portion for me, or if it was not possible, he would reserve his share of food for me. When I was very tired, I would just pop in to his office and slept even if it was during office hours.

Sometimes when I interviewed taxpayers and if hubby happened to be around that area, and the taxpayers became nasty, he would be very concern about me. There was once I was very angry with a China chinese. She was really a bitch. For myself, I don't bow down to nasty taxpayers. So, when this chinese tried to be hard on me, I was even harder on her. It reached a stage when she was angry and I was even more angry. That was when I lost my cool. I think I almost shouted at her. I cannot remember but I vaguely remember that hubby saw I was going mad and helped me to take over her case. In the end, she got screwed. Don't ask me why. In the first place, she must have done something wrong for us to screw her. Sometimes, people just don't understand that we can either be very nice, "cover" one eye and let a case pass, or we can go by the law and be so picky that you can never imagine *evil grin*.

There was once we both happened to interview taxpayers in different areas. There was this taxpayer who really drove hubby up the wall. Usually, hubby was VERY good with handling even the worst taxpayers. But this time, he was so mad that I heard his raised voice. The next thing I know, the hubby slammed the table hard! Some of us who were there were shocked including his taxpayer. He shut up immediately and hubby managed to get work done. For a few days after that, people came up to me and compliment about hubby action. Haha... I didn't know slamming the table could make him so famous!

We had such a great time. It was really a memorable period for us. Even when we quarrelled, we would use the organization messaging system to send angry instant messages to each other. We know each other's collegues and we know exactly what the other mean when we complain about work or bitch about people. Before the baby came, sometimes, after work, we would pop by the gym or we would sing karaoke together.

When it was time for me to leave the job, we were both very upset. I told him that I would return after Justin was eligable for day-care. But of course, I didn't. Joel came along and I started my own business. Now, though sometimes I wish to get a full time job to ease my burden, I find it hard to work under another person/company again. I have my principles and I have my way of doing things.

I guess it is for the best that I leave the organisation. So much has changed eversince I left the job. Those times spent with hubby would always be a sweet memory to me, and to him.

Right or Wrong

I was reading with interest a letter sent to the press by a senior consultant specialising in paediatric nerology, Dr Lee Wei Ling. It was published in The Straits Times.

4 years ago, Nepalese conjoined twins came to Singapore for separation by the local doctors. They were operated for 97 hours and were successfully separated. This operation put Singapore on the world map. One of the twins now is brain damaged and unable to walk and talk. The other twin, though chatty, also cannot walk. The father left the family and had never returned. The mother was left with the burden of looking after the 2 kids on her own. The home is now broken.

The question, was it a mistake to have separated the twins? Dr Lee argued that they would have died soon if the operation was not carried out, and the young parents, after a period of grieving, could have carried on with life amd probably would have more children who are normal. The family is now broken and the mother, as is usually the case, is left with two lifelong burdens. Dr Lee claimed that even if the operation was a technical success and the doctors gained world wide fame, the responsibility should be the welfare of the patients. She said that no parent can ever give a truly informed consent when first confronted with the news that their child, if he or she survives, will be disabled. A handicapped baby is "cute". A handicapped adult is a burden. The situation will only gets worse when they grow bigger and become more difficult to feed, bathe and carry. Even at the end of their lives, the parents and grandparents have to grapple with who would take care of them after they died. So, to Dr Lee, she finds that it is a mistake to separate the twins. She stood firm on her stance that doctors should have the final decision on whether to intervene in cases where doing nothing would result in the patient's death.

Logically, I agree with her rationale though how cruel it may sound. Emotionally, I don't think I am able to let the twins die without doing all that I can to make them survive.

Feeling miserable...

I don't know why but I am feeling miserable. But if I were to pinpoint what is making me miserable, honestly I don't know. I just know that I am feeling down and out, and starving all the times and it sure doesn't feel good. Today I visited the dietician again and she noted that my weight has stopped to drop. She thinks that I am eating more than I am supposed to. She told me to eat even lesser for dinner as the body doesn't need the energy. I work late and I sleep late, therefore sometimes I get hungry when night falls. When I start my diet, I used to drink half a cup of Milo if I get hungry at night. But now, even that cup of Milo is frowned upon. I was told to stop drinking Milo as it adds on to my daily caloric intake. To be frank, I am getting abit fearful of food. This evening, for dinner, I just drank a bowl of fish soup(to which my hubby thought it was crazy) and I already feel so guilty as I am not supposed to drink any soup. I was told that soup has calories.

I think I am getting more and more disillusioned over the right thing to do.

My quest to be slim

I just weigh myself on the scale today. I am down 1.5kg. I am happy. Afterall, my hard work is not in vain. However, I do wonder whether the weight loss is due to my sickness or cut down in food. Nevertheless, I feel motivated to continue what I was doing. The past week hasn't been easy. In fact, I have never been sick for so long in my life (besides the time when I had chickne pox). 4 days is a long time for me. Usually, I will recover very fast. In just a day, I would bounce back to health if given sufficient rest and sleep. This time though, I was mostly lying down and was extremely weak. The hubby blamed it on my diet. I don't know... maybe. But I am very determined to lose weight.

My diet started last monday. In just 2 days of eating vegetables, I think my body shut down and I fell sick. When I was sick, I did modify my crash diet to include some carbohydrate for strength. I ate some porridge but very little. I still avoided all sweet stuff and was pretty much strict on my diet.

The only exception was when the hubby and I had our lunch at Billy Bombers during our chinese wedding anniversary. Then, I had a good time eating fries, grilled chicken and milk shake. I didn't know food could taste sooooo good eventhough the hubby remarked that the food didn't taste great. The past week of intense dieting had shrunk my appetite so much that I no longer could finish a plate of food.

Today, my body has recovered. And my crash dieting starts again much to my parents' and hubby's dismay. I spoke to the person who came out with the diet and told her that I might not be suitable for the diet. She told me that my sickness has nothing to do with the diet and I should still continue, for me to see any result.

Well... I'll just try and see how it goes. Afterall, I did lose 1.5kg, didn't I? :)

Our wedding anniversary

Tomorrow is our wedding annivesary. That is, our chinese customary wedding anniverary. Tomorrow is also officially Qing Ming (Tomb Sweeping Day). Qing Ming is a day to honour past ancestors. On this particular day and for the entire month, there are sacrificies of food, burning of spirit/hell money and visits to the deceased tombs for clean ups.

That is also the day we had our customary marraige 6 years ago. The hubby and I are legally married for 9 years, been together for 14 years.

I still remember on this day 6 years ago, I was pregnant with Justin. The hubby and I had no money. Initially we thought of calling off the customary wedding since we are already married legally. The customary wedding would cost us a lot of money and with a baby in the tummy, we couldn't afford to spend too much on the wedding. However, my mom was against it. She wanted me to be dressed in a wedding gown, to feel beautiful and to experience the joy of being married.

My parents knew of our predicament and told us that they would support us no matter what, whether it was financially or emotionally. We approached the hubby's family, hoping that they could help us with the banquet. Afterall, for chinese, it is not the lady's family responsibility to organise the wedding. The responsibility should fall on the man's side.

We met with alot of objections at the hubby's side. The auspicious day that we had chosen and wanted (which was a tomb sweeping day) was greatly criticised by them. They said that the day would bring us bad luck. They kept wanting us to push back the wedding date to accomodate my sister-in-law confinement. How selfish they were! My tummy was growing by the day and they just wanted me to push back the date so that my sister-in-law could finish her confinement and attend the wedding. At that time, my sister-in-law had not even given birth. So how long they wanted me to wait?

Both the hubby and I were under a lot of pressure from them. As my hormones were acting up, I felt that I couldn't take the pressure and sharp words from my in-laws. I really hated them for treating us the way they did.

My parents who saw what we went through, came to the hubby and told the hubby that they would pay for all expenses including the banquet. They even helped us looked for a house and paid the downpayment. They knew the shit that my in-laws had been throwing at us. We were still a young couple then with nothing. If not for my parents, we wouldn't even own a house. I am forever grateful to my parents for helping us and guiding us.

I could sense my in-laws reluctance to help us in any ways. What they had were just lots of cristicism. But, on the other hand, they were not happy that my parents helped us. They came to my parents' house and shouted at them for interfering. How could my parents not interfere when their daughter was already breaking down? My parents had already kept quiet initially to give them a chance to help us. I was so angry and with my morning sickness, I nearly fainted. My in-laws accused us for having sex and said we had a shameful child, that is Justin. Even until now, I am still bitter over it. Afterall, Justin is their eldest grandson. How could they say that Justin is shameful? We were already married legally, so what's wrong with having sex?

6 years later, we not only have Justin, we have Joel too. And we have a nice house, the hubby has a good job, I have a florishing business and we have a vehicle. We went through numerous ups and downs in life. Never once have I depend on my in-laws for anything. I am finally able to prove to them that I am not "nothing". I bring up Justin and Joel to be fine kids. Even if the day of our marriage is condemed by them to be the worst date that anyone could be married, the hubby and I are still very happily together, and will be for many many many more years. We are a happy family, much happier than couples who get married on the "best" date but were later divorced.

I have never regretted marrying on the day when the dead is supposed to rise.

I'm sick

I'm finally really really sick :(

The days of accumulated stress, lack of sleep, nightmares, crash diet and weak mental health are finally taking a toll on my body and I guess, it just breaks down. I am feeling terrible and I long for a bed so that I can sleep. But, as usual, there is work undone, emails to be answered, and I have to complete all these work.

Eversince I return from the Hong Kong trip, the family is taking turns to fall ill. It has been more than a month and our life has not gone back to normal. Really regret making that trip.

Guess I wouldn't be blogging until I feel better.

Tui Na

I have just brought the 2 kiddos for a session of Tui Na (also known as Children's massage) at the physician. Not that they have any ailment. It is just to strengthen their immunity after a bout of sickness in the family. It also helps to establish a more harmonious flow of Qi through the body system allowing the body to heal itself naturally.

They enjoyed the massage so much. I have not brought them for "Tui Na" for a long time. Today, since I had to drive my mom to the physician and had to wait, I thought I should just let them go for a session of Tui Na.

I remember when Justin was born, he had colic problem. I was recommended to go for Tui Na and I had brought him there regularly, and whenver he was ill. Even when he was well, I would still bring him there. After Tui Na, I noticed that he slept better, ate well and he rarely fell ill.

When Joel was born, he fell sick in his 1st month. As he was still too young for any medication, I brought him for Tui Na and he recovered from it. He had also gone for Tui Na on a regular basis until he was about 9 months old.

After that, I stopped bringing them for Tui Na. Transportation was truely a hassle. At that time, I didn't have any vehicle. The place was not anywhere near to bus stops. Everytime, I had to take a cab there and the cost was pretty high. I was also put off by the long queue.

I am glad that the 2 kiddos enjoyed the massage so much. When they came back, they were so hungry that they ate a huge bowl of noodle. Now, they are sleeping soundly.

Easy Stir-fry Chicken

I was trying to invent a simple, healthy, easy-to-cook dish for my lunch and I came out with this dish. It taste good and took me a mere 10 mins to cook the dish. Preparation takes another 5 mins. It goes well with rice or porridge.

Preparation
-Cut chicken into small slices.
-Seasoned the chicken with light soya sauce, pepper and sesame oil, and leave it aside for about 15 mins.
-Cut a medium onion into slices.

Cooking
On a frying pan, add oil, fry the onion until soft.
Add chicken and stir fry. Add a little water to make the frying smoother.
When the chicken is ready to serve, add some Heinz BBQ sauce. Stir fry for another minute. That's all!

Don't cook too long or the chicken pieces will be harden.

It's yummy! :)

Endless Love

I was working when I heard this song over the radio. I guess, I would never be able to listen to this song the way I used to before. This song reminds me of Jin. This is the song that she and her hubby sang on their wedding night. So sweet, isn't it?

Even till now, I find it such a pity that Jin and her hubby are "separated". They would have been a happy family. Her hubby has loved her dearly and tenderly. If only her hubby is not so superstituous and have faith and trust in Jin, this marraige would not have broken down.

I have alot of things that I wish to say but I will respect Jin's privacy. Her thoughts and her life will be safe with me. I just wish the best for her.

Pissed!

I think I am just pissed with everyone in my life.

I had a quarrel with the hubby yesterday. I was in a bad mood so I was less tolerant towards him. Little things of him which I used to accept becomes very irritating to me yesterday. I was damn pissed and I scolded him. He was very angry too and threw all the paper envelopes to the floor. I told him, if he wanted to show any signs of destruction, get out of the house. We are still having a cold war.

This morning, I wake up to a call from sister in law asking me for a handphone. Ohhh... do they think I am so rich that I can give whatever they ask for with just a phonecall?? Freaking Hell! I was so angry! Just because I have my own business doesn't mean that I am filthy rich! There are sacrifices to be made. We work hard to make our life comfortable. We don't just sit there and the money falls on us! This is our hard earned money. Don't be like a leecher and suck us dry!! Don't just call me and said "I need a handphone". Freaking hell, I don't owe you anything!!!!!!!! I regretted picking up that call. That further convince me not to pick up any calls! Maybe I should just cut my phone line!

I am just feeling very frustrated. It's just those days when everything goes wrong and you feel like punching everyone in sight!

I make a promise to myself...

That whatever it takes, I will try to spend more time with Justin and Joel.

My dearest Justin and Joel are no longer as close to me as before. Yesterday, Justin was drawing a picture. After drawing the picture, he wrote there, "I love you, auntie". He was referring to my helper. He didn't write "I love you mommy." or "I love you daddy". It was just auntie. When I asked him about it, he told me he had forgotten about mommy. Late at night before he slept, he went out of the room. The first thing he said was "Good night auntie". Tragic!

No doubt I should feel happy that they are close to my helper but I am jelaous. I don't blame them for feeling distant from me. Afterall, I am not their main caregiver. I am in the house but I am considered as "transparent". Whatever they need, they would run to my helper as they know that mommy is always busy with work. After school, they would be too excited to show my helper what they have done in school and what happened in school. Not mommy.

Almost 6 years ago, when I quit my full time job, I have aspired to be part of their growing up years. It used to be a quiet stroll in the park every evening before dinner or some exercise in the playground. It used to be laugher and alot of communication.

In my recent years, work has taken up a major part of my life. I have reached a stage when I have neglected my kids. I don't even know what they like anymore, and what is their latest craze. If they are at home, they are expected to stay at home for the whole day. No more parks or playground because mommy is too busy.

I have made up my mind to seriously find help in my business eventhough it may mean a drop in income. I reckon that it would make me a happier me. Instead of sulking and feeling jealous over my kids' switch of love and attention, I might as well do something about it.

Diet Plan

I am going to follow through a diet plan, done up by a professional, that is guranteed to make me slim. When I looked at the diet plan, I can't believe it! How on earth am I going to eat all these without going into starvation? Well, I was told that the body will not be in starvation as I can consume unlimited amount of vegetables and tofu. There will be no starchy food including rice, noodles, potatoes, bread, biscult etc etc.

I am determined. When my determination kicks in, nothing will hold me back. It is a diet plan that I am going to sustain for the next 3 months. I am pretty sure that I can make it if I want to. No doubt about that.

Breakfast
2 egg white
200ml low fat milk
Coffee

Lunch
100g lean meat without skin (equivalant to a drumstick)
Unlimited vegetables

Tea
Apple or Guava or Orange or Dragonfruit

Dinner
Vegetable only

To have or not...

A couple of days ago, the hubby was asking me, "would you like to have another baby?".

I was hesistant. A year ago, I would have firmly said "No". Two kids would be enough. Joel was a difficult baby and I had a hard time looking after him during his infancy. He drove me up the wall with his constant cries. Worst of all, he was a super light sleeper. He would wake up every 15 to 30 minutes throughout the day and cried his lungs out. My helper wasn't of much help either. I don't blame her. If I couldn't even manage Joel, I don't see any reason why anyone else could. I would have fallen into depression if not for the support I received from the hubby.

Thinking back, infancy period is never easy for any mommies. I have past that stage. Now, both kiddos are able to eat on their own, play on their own, sleep through the night, communicate with me of their needs, eat whatever we are eating. So.....do I want to start the cycle all over again? This is the question that keeps going through my mind. I don't even spend much quality time with Justin and Joel. With a 3rd kid, I would have spent even less time with them. Having a 3rd kid would also mean that my business would either slow down or come to a standstill. I know this is a selfish thought, but with the family income depending half on the business, I have to have a thought about consequences. Hubby has a full time job. Eventhough he could help me, but there is a limit of the amount of work he could complete with his limited time. If I do not have morning sickness, I guess I could just continue working till my delivery. But what happens if I suffer severe morning sickness? What happens if there is complication in the pregnancy? There are alot of considerations...

But, I am not saying it is impossible to have a 3rd child. There is no "impossibility" in this world. It is a matter of how we go about resolving the problems, compromising and finding alternative solutions. I cannot deny that the family just doesn't feel complete at this moment. There is still a void. Either we choose to ignore this void and carry on with life, or we find ways to fill up this void and make it complete.

At this moment, we have to leave the void on its own and continue with our life. Maybe, just maybe, when I could find someone to help me in my business, I would gradually retreat into my life as a 'full-time' mommy. By then, I may consider having a 3rd child.