Dreading dinner...

I suddenly have so much complaints. Sigh...

I am finding it very hard to swallow the food cooked by my new helper. I think I have to take back my words that she is a good cook. In fact, I think that she cooks quite terribly. She impressed me with a few decent dishes at the beginning but that's all.

It reminds me so much of Jin's confinement lady. I still remember her confinement lady gives her nothing but the same dishes every day. Sounds like what I'm going through with this new helper. Everyday, it's the same type of dishes. What's worse, her standard drop with every time she cooks until I find it unberable to eat what she cooks. For people who know me, they will know that I cannot stand too much "meaty" and "fishy" smell. I must cover it up with herbs and spices. My new helper's dishes are becoming a challenge to swallow.

Now, I dread to think of food. Definetly, my cooking is much better than her. Hubby had told me before when he first tasted her dishes, that I cooked better than her but I brushed him off and told him that the new helper cooks much better than me. But I am beginning to think otherwise. I cannot cook complicated dishes but I think my simple dishes fare much better than her. My food is also less oily than hers. You know...when the food gets too oily, you will feel so sick of eating it.

I'm not looking forward to dinner. Nowadays, she cooks because my mom's hand is swollen. Even my parents cannot stand her cooking. Argghhh...

I know I shouldn't complain. Afterall, there is someone to cook for me. But when I have to spend everyday to buy fish, meat and vegetables, I expect something decent. Otherwise, I may as well dine out, right?

Justin

First is Joel. Now is Justin. Sigh....

I'm finding it so hard to handle Justin. He is getting more and more defiant. It's so unlike him and it catch me by surprise and I don't know what to do. Maybe it's a passing phase. Maybe I didn't spend enough time with him. Maybe... I don't know.

Little things get him upset. I always hope my boys could be happy but I don't feel that Justin is happy at all. He doesn't enjoy outings, doesn't laugh much, gets angry easily, wants things his way, becoming a cry baby and tend to get into fights with his brother.

I think I am getting more stressed on how to become a decent mommy. Justin doesn't cry out loud like Joel. He tears and that breaks my heart. He tends to hide his feelings and keep things to himself.

I don't know what I should do. Should I push him hard? Or should I be softer to him? I have been very nice to Justin but he's pushing me to the edge. I punish him and he could defiantly say no without moving, which gets me boiling.

Sigh... tell me what to do to make the kids behave?

Me

I have a nasty temper when provoked.

Putting PMSing aside, I am usually a reasonable person. I am able to forgive and forget in alot of instances. I empthaise and I think I am able to see situations from different angles such that I don't get myself worked up easily. That is when I am "normal".

Once provoked and my integrity is challenged, I will fight with my life and I will never give in. As long as I believe I am right, I will not bow down in any kind of situations. Sometimes, in fighting for my principles, I may lose my rational self by holding on to my beliefs firmly, whether it is right or wrong. I cannot deny that I am a proud person, something that I inherited from my dad. I don't believe in sucking up to anyone. That's why I feel that I can never be in the service line to serve customers. I believe I will scold nasty customers upside down if being provoked without caring a damn. LOL.

I am also a person that looks upon justice as a primary focus in my life. I have no qualms in standing up for someone eventhough I may be disadvantaged for speaking up for the weaker party. I hate bullies. I am very uncomfortable when I witness a bully without speaking up.

I think I am the kind that must die with glory with my pride intact. That's why I am stubborn, I can be reasonable and unreasoable, I can succeed and I can fail. Then again, I am quite proud of my personality. At least, I dont need to live a life bowing down to every Tom, Dick and Harry :)

Scary....

Something scary happened just now. I don't know whether it is due to the murder that happened in my area recently?

I was in the room with Justin and Joel. Suddenly, Justin told me.

"Mommy, your friend spin round and round. She comes and tickle my hair. She is in white".

I asked her "where?"

She points to an area near the fan and said "there".

I freak out!

My trip

I'm back from my trip. We reached home later than the schuduled time because the flight was delayed due to bad weather. These few days, I think I have put on whatever weight I have lost. Sigh... time to go on my diet regime again.

The trip was not as exciting as I had thougt. What do I expect when it is mixed with business. With business in mind, it can never be considered as a relaxing trip. We still rushed like mad, still get pissed by the supplier and still as tired as ever.

Perhaps we ate alittle better. On saturday, which was our anniversary, we had japensese food for lunch. It wasn't nice at all, and hubby and I conclude that we are really not Japanese food lovers. Our dinner was good though. We travelled quite a distance to try a restuarant that we heard of - "Cabbages and Condoms". It is a funny name but the restaurant dedicates itself to birth control and serves really good food. Instead of getting a mint after our meal, we get a condom instead. The food was good thought it was quite expensive. We couldn't finish all our food and we had to take away the rest. We didn't want to throw it away as it was such a waste. The service was fantastic. We had a waitress specifically serving us for our table of two. Though other guests ate with style, I wasn't really bothered with it, and at one stage, even ate the chicken with my hands. Hubby gave up on me. LOL. Well... it matters to be eat happily right? Since we didn't have anyone with us and paid good money for the meal, why bother about etiquette? I was short of burping loudly. LOL.

On Saturday, we did have some time to walk around the pasar malam. I looked at all the pets on sale and it was heartbreaking. I cannot imagine how anyone can be so cruel towards animals. Cages were overcrowded and I see dogs attacking one another. Pedigree rabbits were shivering with fear. Some dogs laid on their cage, looking very sick. Squirrels were tied up with wire to make them stand up. Nope, they no longer look cute to me. They look like suffering creatures and at that moment, I didn't even have the heart to think of buying them. How could anyone buy these pets to promote the trade? I just wanted to leave the place as soon as possible to avoid looking at the situation which I had no control in.

The next day, which is today was crazy rushing everywhere to source for my inventory. Now that I am back, I feel so tired and drained. The trip doesn't give me a refreshing feel. It's the same old feeling that I have whenever I'm back from my usual business trip.

This trip, again, I think we are staying in a haunted room. How I know it? Hubby is usually very sensitive to these sorts of spiritual presence. When he stepped into the room, he immediately asked me whether I felt ok and whether I needed to change room. I suspected something was wrong but was too "chicken" to ask.

I think all these arises because he was quite nasty to the hotel receptionist. The hotel staff asked us to wait for one hour for our room as the cleaning staff were still packing. We came back one hour later and the staff told us it was still not ready and wanted us to wait for another half an hour more. We couldn't wait as we were rushing to meet our supplier so the hubby told her that she had asked us to wait for an hour and we had waited. So yes, she gave us a room, instead of our original room at the 22nd floor, she found another available room immeidately for us at 20th floor. But I think she sabo us by giving us a room that was not so "clean". The room had a stale smell and looked like it wasn't stayed in for some time. I wasn't "disturbed" however, I couldn't rest well and kept drifting in and out of sleep. So, I am exceptionally tired today. Also things (especially business) didn't seem to go smoothly for us. Anyway, what to do? Such things are sometime unavoidable. Just our luck!

Need to sleep soon. Had a long and tiring day. Will fill in more of our trip tomorrow.

My trip tomorrow

Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary, our 9th wedding anniversary. We will be away for our short getaway. We would be off to meet suppliers for a short while in the afternoon, then after that, the rest of the day will belong to US. So shiok!

I plan for a Japanese lunch in the afternoon. Going to try that tempura! At night, we would probably go to a high class Thai resturant for a sumptuous meal. Then, it would follow by Thai massage for myself (hubby doesn't like massage). Anything happens when we retreat to our hotel is censcored here. LOLOL

On Sunday, it will be work day. Lots of travelling and shopping(for personal and business stuff). We would fly back on Sunday late night.

If my hormones behaves, I think I would have a great day. But if my hormones decide to play punk on me, then doomsday!

I just miss the kids alot. I always feel like a bad mommy to leave them here.

I can be reached at MY mobile. So, Jin, anything to top up your list, just ring us.

This is the first time I am spending my anniversary overseas. Hope it would be a memorable one, in a beautiful way!

My mom

I find that my mom is getting more and more difficult to handle. I can withstand her nags every now and then, but when it becomes more and more of a frequent basis, gosh, I find that I cannot handle it! It doesn't help that my body is hormone-loaded now.

She complains about everything under the sun. Now, I HATE to nag and I can never understand why people need to nag so much! It just drives me nuts.

Her hand is currently swollen with some kindda inflammation thingy. She is not supposed to carry anything heavy or cook. That's fine. My helper can help her. But the thing about my mom is that everything has to be perfection. She is so inflexible! If anything deviates from HER norm, she will nag and nag and nag. C'mon, not everyone brings up the way she does. My helper comes from a different environment. How is she to know my mom standard?? Give her time man!

I was so relieved that my helper cooks. At least, she can lessen the burden of my mom. But oh my... her standard of cooking is different from my mom and my mom has things to complain again! Why is this vegetable cook in this way? Why fish cook like that? Makes no sense to add this ingredent in this dish. Why she never do this and that? How can you cook egg like that? Blah blah blah blah blah... Please lah, my helper cooks in her filipino style. How is she to know our chinese way of cooking when she has never stepped out of her country?? When I told my mom off, she will say, "nevermind. She cooks whatever style she wants, if it doesn't suit me, I just don't eat". What a waste of food! I HATE to waste food. What for I ask my helper to cook so many dishes for them but they end up in the bin? Why is she so fussy? Can't she give and take alittle? It's not that my mom can cook now. Just make do lah!

AND, whenver I try to think of the dishes to cook, it can gives me extreme stress! She is coughing, therefore cannot eat chicken. She must eat pork from Indonesia, cannot be from Australia because the pork from Aussie has a smell. She cannot consume any bean products because of her swollen hands. She doesn't eat sea food esp those of a "posionous nature". She doesn't like small fish due to too many bones but yet she doesn't fancy big fish because the meat is not sweet. She won't eat fish bought from supermarket, must be from wet market. She doesn't eat frozen chicken, must be fresh chicken bought from wet market. It must be small chicken, cannot be big chickens because big chickens "taste awful". She doesn't take all kinds of leafy vegetables, must be vegetables from certain countries. She doesn't like soup cooked by my helper. Tell me, what to cook for her??? Yet, everyday, I have to crack my brain to think, otherwise there is no food for her. Yes, she can always dine out but with her kind of restriction, what can she eat outside? She is afterll my mother and I just can't ignore her though I'm freaking pissed with her.

She says her hand is very painful. She goes for chinese physician, but yet she doesn't have the patience. She expects miracle but this is never possible with chinese physican. Then she keeps switching doctors, between chinese and western therapies and complain that nothing works. Of course! How do you expect to be cured when you keep switching doctors and never once stay long with a single physician? Then she said I don't understand because the medical fee is very high for her to bear. I told her I would help her with the medical expenses, she doesn't want. Then complain and complain!

Sigh... what can I do with her? Why are everyone stepping on my toe?

Leap Frog - Phonics

Recently, in my Amazon orders, I include 2 educational DVDs for Justin and Joel.

The DVDs are from Leap Frog and they teach phonics. Very highly recommended. I didn't dare to buy too many in case the kids didn't like it. I just bought 2 to test. If you want to read about the reviews, just click at the bottom link and scroll down at the new page.

1. Leap Frog - Talking Words Factory
2. Leap Frog - Letter Factory

What can I say? They are really good. I don't enjoy the show but the kids enjoy the show VERY much, laughing away and imitating the phonics. The show teach them phonics in an interesting way (to the kids) with lots of music, animation and songs. Just 2 days and my kids have picked up quite alot of phonics knowledge. They even teach the kids how to form letters, how to read words. I have no regret buying these 2 DVDs and would be passing to Jin for her two sweeties (errr, should be our sweeties. LOL). Aishah, if you would like one for Zaza, let me know. I can pass to you too :)

Now, my boys are asking me to buy more of these shows for them. I am not rejecting them because they really do learn something out of these shows. I mean, instead of letting them watch cartoon network and all the fighting shows, I think it's a good investment to buy a couple of these educational tapes. There are maths too. All shows under leapfrog are highly reviewed. Not too sure whether they are available in Singapore and I don't think I want to waste my time searching for them. If they are sold in Singapore, it won't come cheap.

Mood Swings....

Gosh! The hormone pills is really creating havoc to my body! I have never been so upset over trival issues in my life beside the times when I was pregnant and down with morning sickness.

I am taking hormone pills to delay my menses. This coming weekend, the hubby and I would be away for a business cum lesurie trip. It is also a trip to celebrate our wedding anniversary which unfortunately coincide with my menses.

In the beginning of May, I went to the doctor to ask for medication to bring forward my menses. I was advised against it due to the inaccuracy. She told me that it would be better for me to delay my menses. I raised my concerns to her. I am very sensitive to hormone pills and it would usually cause me to be nauseous and moody. That is also the reason why I have never used contraceptive pills as a form of contraception. She assured me that whatever she would be prescribing me would not have such side effects and that my life would continue in a normal way. Well... who's the doctor. I take her words for it and agree to delay my menses eventho I would very much wanted to get menses to come earlier and be done with.

However, now, I'm beginning to feel the full impact of the hormone. I checked it out at the website and realize, only too late, that I am actually given contraceptive pills. When others only need to have 1 pill each day to prevent pregnancy, I am taking 3 pills a day, tripling the dosage! So now, my body is overloaded with hormones! I don't feel nauseous but my mood swings is terrible! I get upset over the tinest thing and I just want to scold people all the times! Little things irk me to no end. I think I'm simply going crazy!

It's too late for me to pull back the pills. Whether I continue the pills or stop now, will not have much impact on my mood. Probably, if I stop the pills, not only do I have to endure the residual effect of my hormone-loaded body, I have to withstand menses cramps while I PMSing. Sigh... so it's a lose-lose situation.

Why can't I listen to my own instinct? Why must I listen to that stupid doctor??? PISSED!!!

Pissed with Kindy

I'm so mad with Justin and Joel's school - Kinderland!

I received a letter from the school. They wrote that they would increase their school fee to $900 per semester! Currently, their school fee is $785. That is a freaking $115 increment!

I don't take the rationale provided by the school. They said they provide quality teachers and while their "quality" programs have continued to improve, the services for their high quality staff and monthly fees remains unchanged. So, that justify the increase! What a crap of bullshit?

How do you define as high quality and professional teachers? Someone who speaks "broken" english? Someone who ask me to buy chilli powder from overseas for her when I don't even know her well enough for her to approach? She just knows I'm going overseas(from Joel) and ask me to buy! Someone who constantly bugged my child for a copy of Lion King DVD? Someone who doesn't even know that my kid doesn't eat nuggets and fries eventhough the class have numerous Mc Donald parties?

In a nutshell, what justify the fee increase??? If you talk about program, they are nothing fantastic. Little creative learning. If you talk about teachers, nah, I don't even want to talk about it. If you talk about school policy, I don't see any reason why any school would shut down for a stretch of 10 days for isolated HFMD without any replacement.

And you know what, the stupid school is so unethical that they would implement the fee increase in Term 4 this year. What the fuck?! All schools usually increase their school fees at the beginning of a new year. But this asshole school is going to increase it at the last term when students only attend about 1.5 months before school holiday. So, why am I paying a fee hike when my child is only 1.5 mths in the school in the last term? Is this ethical???!!!

My decision.
I will let Justin and Joel continue with their school year. This is Justin's final and graduating year and I will not disrupt his school term. Next year, when Justin goes to primary 1, I will withdraw Joel from the crab school. Joel will start his K1 and K2 fresh in another kindy.

If the school is fantastic, I may have grumbled abit, but I will not withdraw Joel out of school. I will still pay for it. But this fee hike is totally uncalled for!

Exercise DVDs

My order from Amazon arrives today.

Lets see what I order for myself

I tried Denise Austin workout today. Not bad for the purpose of burning fats. But the one that has the potential to build up solid muscles is TamiLee Webb "Abs, Arms and a lower body of steel". The moves are simple and solid. I also find TamiLee to be more pleasant than Denise Austin.

All in all, I'm satisfied with my exercise DVDs. :)

OMG!

Hubby was asking our helper to cut a few pieces of big paper for him. He squat and showed our helper how to cut the paper. Helper is directly opposite him. He was in that position for some time.

Later as he was sitting on the floor to focus on his stuff, he was wondering why his shorts felt so airy. When he looked down, to his horror, he realized that his shorts had a big hole and his manhood was exposing!!! OMG! He came running to me and told me he didn't know where to stick his head in. Oops! I mean, the head at the top. He was sooooo embarrased and wanted me to throw away his shorts right away!!

So now, the helper knows what is the color of my hubby's manhood? Sssshhh... don't tell the hubby I spoke of his embarrasement here. Can't help it. I just thought it was so funny! Bwahahaaaa...... :)

Shopping

Today, I was out shopping at a sale. Well... I have lost some weight and I wanted to change alittle of my wardrobe to give myself some pampering and encouragement. Since I am a cheapo, I only shop during sales and preferably warehouse sales. LOL

There was this warehouse sales that I got to know from Aishah in one of the messages she posted. There is one of the brands "Dorothy Perkins" that I simply love. It is a European brand. The clothes appeal to me. I like quite abit of their designs, cutting and fabric. They are more of a bohemian, ethnic style which I like. However, Dorothy Perkins clothes are not cheap in their regular stores. A very simple piece of top easily cost at least $69. So, when I know from Aishah there was a warehouse sales that includes Dorothy Perkins, I told myself that I should not miss it! I have been eyeing some of their tops for a long time but I just can't bear to buy them.

I told hubby to drive me there since the location is quite secluded (to me). I did see some of Dorothy Perkins clothings but the designs did not appeal to me and they are very big in sizes. So, I didn't buy any. I went on to look at other brands. The clothes are not very cheap so I didn't go wildly crazy over them. I manage to find 2 simple spaghetti tops which cost the same as those more complicated design ones - something which puzzles the hubby. He said he can never understand why a spaghetti/sleeveless top with so little cloth and so little sewing could cost so much money. And why we ladies are willing to spend so much on just a top with so little cloth. Shouldn't price equate the the amount of fabric used and sewing effort? Well.........guys are still guys. If I ask him to spend a bomb on a simple designed one piece outfit, he will think the manufacturer overcharged. If I ask him to spend on a piece clothes that has alot of material and alot of sewing, he will think the effort and material justify the price. Well, for me, the lesser the material, the better it shows off our body! So I don't care whether effort equate price or whatever, as long as it looks good on me. LOL. There was once I splurge on a simple knitted black sleeveless top from Marks and Spencer at $49.90. When I came back and told him, he asked me why should a simple piece of top cost so much? He forgot the lovely cutting! That's why I never get him to design our clothes for our business! LOL

ASSHOLE Motorcyclist

We were at Orchard Road and we were crossing the road towards the carpark. The lights turn green signaling us to cross. I held Justin's hand and hubby held Joel. We walked behind the hubby and Joel. The green light turned very fast to red. We were near to the end of the road and I quickly rushed Justin to walk faster. Just then, this fuck motorcyclist gave a LOUD honk. Now, it's not only once he honk. He honked continuously while he inched forward to Justin. I was worried and my instant reaction was to pull Justin away from the motorcylist and towards the pavement. The motorcyclist continued to honk while he drove away with a smirk on his bloody face! Once Justin was safe on the pavement, I turned and screamed at him "ASSHOLE. GO TO HELL!!!". The hubby turned and realized what happened. He shouted "FUCKER!!". Many pedestrains looked at us.

I was burning with rage! If I had my vehicle with me, I would have no qualms in crushing him! I mean it! If only Justin was not with me, I would have confronted that mother fucker! I would make sure that I blocked his path and I would have hit him or pushed him down the bike. Don't under-estimate my strength! When I was really furious to the point of no return, my strength could go up tenfold! Not even the hubby could stop me. That is when I am pushed to the limit!

If you honk, I would probably get furious but I won't reach the stage when I would hit you or want you dead. What pushed me to reach that limit was the fact that the fucker tried to inch towards Justin and if I am not fast enough, he would have knocked Justin! I am still feeling angry for not killing that asshole! But I have done enough curses on him, and I hope my curse will come true and he dies a horrible death on the road and goes to hell!

He is not a young punk. He is a middle age man who drives a cheap scooter. He better don't let me catch him or I make sure he goes flat on the ground. I recognise his bike!

You don't mess around with my child. I cannot do anything about that fucker because of the situation I was in, but given a chance, I will not let it go without a ferocious fight! I will be even more cruel than if it doesn't involve my children. It is the same with Jin. You touch her children, you get it. No doubt about it!

Food for thoughts

Actually, I am a coward when it comes to food. There are alot of food that I find them disgusting and I don't eat.

1. Beef - stinks!

2. Mutton - stinks!

3. Any internal organs - gross!

4. Crabs - can't stand the way they are being killed. Too cruel!

5. Frog legs - Cruel way of killing them!

6. Deer - awww... such a sweet animal, who has the heart to eat them?

7. Duck - it just suddenly turns "green" right before my eyes, and I take it as a sign to stop eating it. Stinks too!

8. Wild pigs - nah.. they look disgusting enough

9. Cat fish - I thought they look like snakes!

10. Eel - Looks disgusting

11. Mussels - Slimy, yikes!

12. Oysters - Slimy and taste awful!

13. Octopus - arrghhh! it looks so gross with its leg and uneven skin!

14. Jellyfish - looks weird, so I don't eat!

15. Lobster - looks too ugly!

16. Turtle - was it meant to be eaten? Poor thing...

17. Turkey - classified under not-to-be-eaten animal.

18. Bittergord - why should anyone enjoy anything bitter?

19. Celery - stinks, doesn't it?

20. Corainder - stinks!

21. Salmon - fishy smell, doesn't it?

22. All sushi with raw food and eggs on it - I don't touch anything raw except lettuce!


Besides these, there are still a super long list of animals I don't touch. Such as snails, rabbits, snakes, crocodiles etc etc etc etc etc Not forgetting all forms of insects too.

I cannot stand cruel way of killing animals to eat too. Like how some chinese actually eat with the fish still alive, prawns still alive, drink snake blood and gall (yikes!), feast on raw monkey brains while the monkey is still alive and so on. Some people actually swallowed live baby frogs and rats!!! OMG!!!

When I was young, I went with my mom to the market and when I saw how they actually slit the chicken's throat and the chicken jumped in the bin till death, I cried and stopped eating chicken for a long period of time. There was once I saw how the people knocked on the fish head to kill it, I stopped eating fish too. Then many years ago when I was still a teenager, I was at the chinatown market and I saw how they killed the frog, I just cried on the spot. From then on, I never ever touch frog legs again.

There are also a list of vegetables I avoid too. I think at the rate I am going, I am going to be left with no food to eat since my elimination process is still ongoing... LOL.

That's why I think my hubby is very poor thing. Because I don't eat, he doesn't get a chance to eat all the food I avoid too. He only gets to eat his steak when we go to a restuarant. Somehow, he has got used to it and his choices of food, in turn, is as limited as me.

Oakley Sunglasses

From all that I have bought, the most used and valuable item is my sunglasses. In the beginning, when I bought that pair of expensive sunglasses, I was still regretting it and thought that I wasn't in the right mind to buy it.



Maybe to some people, $300+ (can't remember the exact price, it was over $300) for a pair of Oakley sunglasses is no big deal. But for a cheapo me, it is very expensive indeed.

Actually I bought 2 pairs of cheap sunglasses before this Oakley sunglasses, that cost me a mere $20 each. However they didn't work out. My vision when I drove was blurred and being a new driver, I was not confident to drive with unclear sunglasses. I decided to buy a better pair of sunglasses with a higher budget, but no more than $150.

That time, Jin was with me and to a certain extend, I was influenced by her to invest in a good pair of sunglasses for the sake of my eyes. She said it was more of a necessity than a luxury since I am driving. When I went back with that $300+ sunglasses, I was thinking I shouldn't have listened to her and should have settled with a cheaper one.

It turns out that this pair of sunglasses is my best investment so far. It has saved my eyes from the horrendous glare from the afternoon sun when I am driving. This pair of sunglasses has been my companion for most of the days when I drive. I don't think I can live without it now.

I have to thank Jin for helping me make that decision. I think if she is not there that day, I would bring home an unsatisfactory $100 pair of sunglasses on sale.

Joel

Sometimes, I don't know where I have gone wrong with Joel. He is just so naughty at times and it really gets on my nerves. He is so unbearably stubborn! Sometimes I feel that I really don't know how to raise him. No matter how I punish him, discipline him, he just never seem to learn!

He is the kind that could go either very well or very bad when he grows up. I always thought that I have the capibility to raise my own kids but I am begining to doubt my ability.

Joel promised his daddy and me that he would try eating vegetables today. He always eat vegetable but they are in tiny pieces and mashed. So, I want him to try eating and chewing a proper piece of vegetable. This afternoon, I told Joel to eat his cabbage. He refused to. He even tried to puke. I was so angry that I told him if he didn't eat his vegetable, his daddy would not buy anything special for him. Since his brother had finished his vegetables, obviously his brother would have something special. Joel was so angry that he said he would punch me if he didn't get anything special from me. I was so angry with him! I asked him to go to his corner. He refused to. He kicked and shouted and even hit me! I asked him to get out of the house. And I really threw him out!

This is not the first time such things happened. I have never taught him to hit. In fact, I have never even lay my hand on him. I am able to discipline Justin well but somehow I feel that I am losing control over Joel. I strongly believe how the kids turn out will depend on the values the parents taught to the child. So, when Joel becomes this way, I'm beginning to believe that I'm doing a lousy job.

My parents always say, Joel is a replica of me. The hubby said, "We always can't stand the people who resemble us the most". Hubby asked me, "Have you not being so stubborn to a stage of irritating? Have you not being so stubborn to a stage of going against the norm and logic?".

Maybe...

A childhood past...

Since I'm depressed, I started to recall a part of my childhood that was depressing. I was 15 years old, a naive, innocent girl with lots of love to offer. I had a best friend. Her name was XueLing. She was a very independant girl. She came all the way from Malaysia to study in Singapore. She rented a room and stayed there on her own.

We were truely the best of friends. We cared alot about each other. I still remember we went to watch the movie "Beaches" together. It was a show about the story of a pair of best friends. At the end of the show, we cried and held each other's hand and told each other, we would always be the best of friends no matter what happened. Even if the whole world were to turn against us, we would have each other.

We happened to engage the same tutor. His name was Patrick. Patrick was a 28 year old bachelor. Somehow, I was infactuated with Patrik. What I didn't know is that Xueling and Patrick had long since started a relationship behind my back. I trusted Xueling with all my heart and told her my feelings for Patrick. She didn't tell me about her relationship with Patrick and led me thinking that they were just friends. But what went behind my back was that they spent countless nights at the beach and they had slept together. She told me this at a later time.

I harboured my love for Patrick for a long time. During a school holiday, Xueling went home to Malaysia for a vacation. Patrick invited me out for a birthday dinner. He brought me to a nice restuarant and I was so happy. I was still so young and naive! After the dinner, he invited me to the beach. There, he tried to be intimate. I was getting frightened but I was too young to know how to react. Later, he brought me to his rented room. He tried to molest me. I panick and I pushed him away. It was a horrible night. I nearly lost my viginity but I didn't. But it was a sheer outrage of modesty.

The next morning, I immediately called Xueling in Malaysia. I was confused and frightened and I needed a shoulder to cry on. When she heard what I told her, she screamed at me. She asked me how could I do that to her. I was shocked and dumbfounded. She kept accusing me and put me down. I really didn't know what had happened and if I had known what went on between the two of them, I would not have fallen so deeply for Parick. I broke down. Patrick called me later and screamed at me too, for telling Xueling what had happened. He insulted me. I was torn, totally broken.

Both Patrick and Xueling ditched me like a piece of shit at a time when I needed help the most. My morale dropped to rock bottom. Maybe, if it has happened now, it would mean nothing to me, and I would probably kicked the hell out of the man. But I was then a young teenager with lots of hope, love and aspiration. It was truely a big blow to me.

Somehow this incident left a scar in me. I became less cheerful and I no longer remain so much trust in so called "friends". Even until now, I am still a quiet person. I wasn't like that when I was young. I was bubbly and was always the centre of attention in all my groups of friends. When I was around, you would hear laughter and joy. You would never get bored with me around.

If I were to use my fingers to count the number of friends I have since I reach my adulthood, I could count it with one hand. It is my choice to have less friends. I become a very private person. I treat the little friends I have with sincerity but there is always a tiny winy bit of fear that they would hurt me. I am no longer the weakling I was when I was ditched by Xueling and Patrick, but I guess, like a piece of glass, a heart that was broken can never be the same again. My heart has been mended long time ago. What remains is a very faint scar.

From time to time, I still think of Xueling and how she is doing now. I no longer hate her. I used to when I was younger. She has betrayed my trust in her.

Maybe, she was just a fool in love, like me. We were both victims. I hope she has a good life with a husband who love her dearly. I have found my happiness. I hope she does too.

At least she can cook....

The good thing about my current helper is that she cooks. And she cooks better than me. So with her around, my meals are taken care of. I just need to replenish ingredients so that she can cook the meals for the family.

Every lunch, I would just let her know what I would like to eat, and she'll cook the dish in whatever way she wish. I don't bother as long as it's edible. Like, I would let her know, today I would like to eat fish and vegetables. And she would have to make do with whatever there are in the fridge to cook these dishes. She would cook more so that I could pass some to my parents for lunch. Previously, I used to ask her to go to the supermarket to buy the ingredients but the arrangement is costing me alot of money to go marketing everyday. So now, I'll just buy in larger quantities and store them in the fridge to be cooked over a couple of days. Cheaper that way.

Most of the dishes are cooked in her filipino style. They are pretty strange to me but they are quite tasty. Just the other day, she cooked fish with banana in soup. I have never eaten any meals with banana cooked in it and it looks strange and errr... abit disgusting to me. It turns out quite tasty. It is spicy with the black pepper and alittle sourish with the banana. I like it but my mom didn't enjoy it.

She can't cook green leafy vegetables well. But she can cook eggplant, melon, ladyfingers and alot of root vegetables in a very tasty way. She is also good with broth. Usually when we cooked soup, we would use meat bones to boil so as to sweeten the soup. But for her, she doesn't use bones to make her broth. She doesn't use preservatives or MSG too. Anyway, I don't have any MSG at home. I don't know how she does it but they all turn out to be quite nice with a heavy usage of black pepper, ginger, garlic and tamarind.

I am just happy that she can cook, as in a way, that lightens my mom's burden to cook for the family. Eventhough her cooking hasn't live up to my mom's expectation, at least, my mom is willing to eat! If I were the one to cook, I guess my mom wouldn't even touch the food, or she would have tons of complaints, that I should have done this and this, that and that. Indeed, I usually cook food in such a non-oily way that my mom proclaim inedible. Vegetables are usually undercooked and my parents find it hard to swallow the vegetables I cook. My helper way of cooking vegetable fit them perfectly - overcooked and mashed! Argghh! That's why I think my helper can't cook leafy vegetables well. Sometimes, I just don't understand why the older generation think that overcooked oily vegetables is better?

A heavy heart....

I'm writing this with a very heavy heart. I feel very down and out with all that are going on around me.

Justin and Joel are taking turn to fall ill. Not the usual flu or cold. But they are down with food poisoning, passing of black stool, shivering and weakness. When one recovered, the other fell ill, and when the other recovered, one will fall ill again. The hubby is also feeling tummy discomfort and soft stool. All these seem to happen when my new helper came.

I spoke to the new helper nicely. I told her that her preparation of food and cleaning of utensils have to be clean. In Singapore, we are different from her province. We have weak and sensitive stomach and therefore she has to put in extra effort in her cleaning effort. OMG! I had the first taste of her defiance. She was very angry with me and looked away when I talked to her. She didn't even want to answer me and continued doing her stuff while I was talking!!! What the fuck!!!!!!!! I was so pissed that I scolded her that I never like to see anyone pulling a long face on me when I was merely issing a GENTLE reminder. I told her to watch her attitude and don't play punk with me!

What the bloody shit is wrong with her??? She is merely here for less than a week and already giving me a hell lot of problem! Who the fucking hell she thinks she is dealing with??? I was super nice to her and she better knows her limit or I send her flying to her kampung! I'm bloody pissed with her! I spent so much money to bring her in. She is not appreciative. She better don't joke with me because I am NOT at all as KIND HEARTED as the hubby. Don't push me to the limit because I can be damn COLD-BLOODED if I want to. BLOODY HELL!

The next thing that send my heart bleeding is Miracle. I cannot believe what I know from Jin. It is no longer an issue of guilt. But it is the sheer pain to see the Miracle whom I love so much to go through this misery. A bleeding heart is still too mild to describe how I feel. I am keeping all these to myself. I have yet to find the right time to break this news to the hubby. He is not well and is feeling depressed. I don't know how well he is going to take this.

SIGH..............................................................

Ouch!

Few days ago, I went to my regular jamu to firm up my skin. As I am in the midst of losing weight, I find it very important to go for regular jamu massage to tone up my skin so that it will not become saggy with the weight loss. As I have also been exercising, I think it is good to go for massage to relax the muscles once in a while.

When I was there, my regular jamu therapist told me that my abdominal vein had gone out of alignment. It was way up too high. She asked me what I had been doing, and I told her it was just exercises. She told me that my exercise could be the cause of the dis-allignment. Come to think of it, I have been doing pilates for the past weeks. There was so much vigorous twisting of my abdomen. The hubby believe that pilates was the cause of my injury. Pilates is good but as it is an intense exercise, things could just go wrong if the posture and positining was wrong. Funny thing is, I wasn't feeling any pain eventhough the therapist found it strange as it should have hurt alot.

I told Jin about it and she told me that it was not a light issue. She told me that now I may not feel the effect of the disallignment but once I stop exercising, the pain could just present itself.

How true is her words! I stopped exercising these few days because I was thinking of giving my tummy alittle rest to recover. And, the pain double up! Ouch! It is not a continuous pain but the sharp pain strikes me every now and then throughout the day. The pain is at the position of the disalligment where the therapist pointed out to me. I still didn't believe her but now, I'm seeing some truth in the therapist words!

The hubby was saying that I had so much problems in the process of slimming down. First, I had pull my muscles badly. Then it was starvation. Now, it is disallignment of my tummy veins. I put all these to poor supervision. I might have gotten all the wrong/misleading information from all around me. If I had someone skilful to guide me, I may not have experienced all these problems in the first place. Haha! Blame it on the hubby for not engaging a qualified fitness instructor and a dietician for me! *evil grin*

Still, I am not deviating from my goal, my target! I don't know, I think as I grow older, I am becoming more and more stubborn. I have never lost sight of my ultimate goal despite all these obstacles. Yes, I may have a badly "sprained" tummy, but I am not stopping my exercises eventhough I have decided to stop pilates. Yes, the stupid dietician may have given me a bunch of bullshit, but I am not giving up my diet plan. Yes, the hubby has not been too encouraging regarding my routine, but I am not giving up whatever determination I have to appease him. Yes, my parents are in disagreement to the little amount of rice I am eating, but I won't please them and stuff myself silly with carbo. Yes, I know everyone is being good to me, but I just am unable to make myself lose sight of my goal! So, my apologies to everyone who has shown me so much concern. I appreciate all the advices and the care. But I won't relent and give up whatever success I have achieved so far.

Spiritual Possession

This evening, the hubby and I attended a relative's death ritual. In chinese, we called it "gong tek". There would be alot of chants and prayers, followed by a feast, and lots of burning of paper offerings.

When I reached there, it was so coincident that the big temple in front of my relative's ritual tentage was having a massive possession. It was very grand to their devotees but the human figurines were very scary to me. Together with my parents, we stood there and watched. They were walking away from the temple, to dunno where. We couldn't move anywhere else because the entire road was blocked by the possession. I was standing way behind them because I was too timid. There were alot of people possessed by their "dieties". And their painted face, to me, were absolutely grotesque and frightening. They had needles poked all over their body. One even had a fake long tongue sticking out of the mouth. With every step that they walked, another person would take a HUGE whip and slapped on the floor. I have no idea why they needed to whip the floor. The possessed people would then walked in a haphazard manner. There were alot of drums. I always had this illusion that they would coming running towards me and so I kept stepping back. Whatever I used to protect myself, I held them close to me. The hubby also stood with me.

Some dieties that were possessed were the "death angels" - dua di ah pek (hokkien), ne cha (chinese), and one that I couldn't recognize but had a long tongue and big head and many many more. There were alot of possessions! I have never seen so many possessions before!

We stood at the side and waited for the possession to be over before we went to my relative's ritual. My relative actually spent $4800 on a grand paper house. Wow, that is really expensive! We had a great feast with lots of good food. We were there for close to 5 hours. We left the place before they burnt the paper house. When we came back home, we took a bath to clean ourselves.

I'm now typing this feeling sleepy and bloated with the food. What remains on my mind is the spiritual possession that I witness at the temple. I don't know why it is so coincident we were there just at the right moment for the march-off of the spiritual possession. I don't question. Maybe sometimes, things happen for a reason....

Carbo-rich food

I notice that I am becoming more and more carbo intolerant. Maybe I have been eating so little carbohydrates that my body cannot function well if I ingest it with carbo-rich food.

2 days ago, on the day that hubby brought me out, we went to indulge ourselves in quite abit of carbo-rich food and sugary stuff. That includes an ice-cream, tokopochi and curry puff. I ate just alittle but when I reached home, OMG, I couldn't take the weird feel of my body. I was so tired and sleepy. When I was not eating carbo-rich food, I was pretty alert and could survive with little sleep. That day, I couldn't even keep my eyes open!

Yesterday, we had dinner at home. I had some fried rice, fried bee hoon, and spring rolls. Throughout the day, I couldn't function well and I felt kinda depressed. I was very sleepy and tired. And I felt that my body just couldn't work. I didn't even look after the kids as I felt that it was even a torture to walk!

I guess, I just have to stay out of carbo-rich food for the time being. On normal days, when I ate wholemeal bread, it didn't have this kind of effect on me. I'll just stick to my whole meal bread and oatmeal. Gosh! I can't stand that kind of tiredness! I would rather give all these sinful food a miss.

Near Accidents

This evening, while driving Jin home, it was raining very heavily. It was a lightning storm. Visibility was very very bad. I reminded the hubby to switch on high beam as well as fog light since visibility was almost nil. The hubby was alittle not himself, but he still drove as I was frightened of the lightning and thunder. However, I placed my full concentration on the road and helped him look out for traffic.

A car suddenly cut into our path and missed us by inches. The hubby honked at him but he was oblivious to us. In the end, he snaked his way out of the traffic in that kind of horrific weather. I just wonder why some people just don't treasure their life and that of other road users! They should be banned from the roads!

While we were on our way home after dropping Jin at her house, we again nearly met with another accident. Luckily I was alert or we would have collided with a car! This time, it was our fault. The visibility was worse at the highway. At one point, we needed to change to the left lane. I informed the hubby to change our lane early as soon as traffic was clear. He signaled and just cut. He didn't realize that just beside us was a black car. He just continued changing his lane, OMG! I looked left and shouted at him to watch out! At that nick of time, the black car swerved to the left to avoid collision with us while hubby swerved to the right. Luckily there was no traffic on the right! Luckily nothing happened to the black car. We would have knocked the car and sent the car "flying" out of the road.

Well, the visibility was really poor. Moreover, the car was black and just beside us. So, I guess the hubby just missed it.

I heaved a sigh of relief when we reached home safe and sound.

He is so nice....

Well.... he told me he was wrong to think the way he did and he is very sorry for the hurt that he had caused me. He said that he felt that he didn't do his duty as a husband to make me feel loved. He once again asked for my forgiveness and asked me not to treat him so coldly. He will change and try his best to be a better husband.

Yesterday, he has been extremely nice. He wanted to buy me exercise DVDs from Amazon, nearly bought me a handphone and wanted to buy dunno-what healthcare products from Osim. He speaks to me gently and is very caring towards me. He tugged me to bed and greeted me "good night" with a kiss. He took the effort to ask and listen to my weight loss regime.

Today, he took half a day leave just so to bring me out to buy the things I want (exercise DVD from HMV) and settle a few stuff for me. He even wants to invite me to a nice lunch to which I reject because of work.

Hahaa... I'm no longer angry. Honestly, I don't think his mentality will change much. On one hand, he wants to pamper his wife, on the other hand, he longs to spend time with his kids and family. He is a family man and this is something I should count my blessing. At least he is not a workacholic who dreads spending time with the kids.

I don't think he really mind if he does more things than me. It's just that he may be upset if he's burnout and I still have the time to visit the spa and sit down and shake leg. "Unfortunately" for me, I know very well how the business works at my finger tips so maybe it's natural that the hubby thinks I should help him if he's burn out. LOL

Anyway, I'll let the issue drop. Knowing him well, he won't stay that extreme sweet for too long anyway. LOL. Very soon, he's going to revert to his old self and show me some of his irritating habits again. Part and parcel of marriage, I guess....

He apologise...

I'm giving him the cold shoulder. I'm not angry, feel more disappointed than angry. He apologised twice. Once yesterday night, and once this morning. He told me that he didn't know why he said such words, that it's not like him and he would change his mindset. I told him he doesn't need to change if this is his stand.

I refused to sleep with him yesterday. I slept with Justin instead. Whenever I reach such a cold state, he would panic. From what I forsee, he would most likely feel really apologectic and if I continue to give him the cold shoulder, he would get angry with me instead, for not forgiving him. Then he would give me lots of crabs that "is this the way I want to treat my marriage, blah blah blah...". Sigh...I already know what is coming...

My new helper arrives yesterday. Well... I think she is not a simple person. So much is hidden in her eyes. I find that she is pretty cunning. Guess, I am going to have a tough time dealing with her and be on my guard. Not that I can't handle her, but it can be exhuasting to be on my guard in my OWN house.

It is not going to be an easy day for me. Just have to see how it goes...

Edit to add:
He writes me another email asking for my forgiveness. Actually, I'm not angry with him, just feel sad and hurt. Anyway, I think I should let it be for the moment, since he is not going through an easy time too.

Had a fight with hubby

I just had a fight with hubby and I'm feeling very disappointed in him. He is also feeling very down and out over how I feel about him.

I asked him this question "If there comes a day in the future when your work load is more than mine, would you feel resentment towards me?". "Do you always feel that job must be equate between both of us?".

He told me alot of things, but ultimately to sum it all, he would feel resentment if I have nothing much to do and he has loads of things to do. He would feel resentment if he doesn't have enough sleep and I have all the time I want to sleep, watch TV, spend time with the kids.

It just pains me. I thought a husband and wife should not feel this kind of resentment? I thought he would feel happy for me, that he could pamper me and treats me like a princess, that it doesn't really matter that he works more than me. I guess I am just too naive.

It is every girl's dream to be pampered by her husband. So, what he said comes as a nasty surprise to me. In the first place, I would never let him reach a stage when he slogged and I sit down and do nothing. All I want to know is that if there is such a situation when he works harder than me, spend more time in the job than me, would he be happy for me or would he resent me.

I am not trying to sound great by saying this, but I won't resent him if I were to work harder than him. In fact, sometimes, such scenerios happen. I would be slogging away while he slept or watched the TV shows. To me, I always feel that it's good because instead of 2 of us slogging away, at least one of us is having a good time.

Am I expecting too much of my marriage? Am I expecting too much of my husband? Sometimes, all I want is to be stay-at-home-mom when I could spend all the time I want with the kids. But with his kind of mentality, I guess, I should drop this dream.

Yes, I am very disappointed with my husband. It just makes me feel very cold. I feel like a working machine, a money machine, a slave. I don't feel like a wife, his wife.

Body Clock

I think my body clock has screwed up. Usually, people are either morning or night person. I guess, I am a morning and night person but not an afternoon person. I work well in the morning and night, but come afternoon, I am almost three quarter dead.

I believe my body clock has adjusted to my work nature. As my customers are primarily from the America, our morning is American's evening and night time. Our nights are American's morning and early afternoon. Our afternoon falls in the middle of their nights. So, that explains why I cannot keep my eyes open in the afternoon and am always retarded in my responses as that is supposed to be the time that an American sleeps.

The freaking hot weather is also causing me to be very frustrated and edgy. Actually, I could switch on the air con and work. But I don't want to do that as I don't want to shut out the kids by closing the door.

I am also seriously considering asking my helper to cook in the morning. Looking at some of the countries I have travelled to, I see that they eat rice and proper dishes in the morning while they have a light meal in the afternoon. I find that this is supposed to be the way as a heavy meal in the morning should be a good start to the day. Maybe we should start having meat and vegetables in the morning with either porridge or rice. Anyway, the hubby always complained that he gets hungry by late morning so maybe a heavy meal for breakfast is the solution. It would need some getting used to, since it is always bread, cakes and cereals that we have for breakfast. But I guess, we will adapt.

Missing lessons

Sometimes, I don't really understand what's up with Justin and Joel's school. Justin and Joel have been missing alot of school due to hand foot mouth disease(HFMD). Everytime when someone is down with HFMD, the class has to be shut down for 10 days. I understand the school is trying to contain the spread of the disease. But I don't find it right that they do not have make up classes for the numerous lessons they have missed. Why am I paying so much money for them to stay at home? I am paying almost $1600 per 3 months for the kids. They have missed so many lessons that I have lost count of it. What the teachers did is to send worksheets to us to be done at home. I could jolly well buy assessment books for them to do at home and it serve the same purpose. If it's just a mere 10-20 days of shut down due to HFMD, I really don't mind. But the shut down is like on a regular basis.

HFMD is a common childhood disease. It is unavoidable that some kids may catch it from one time or another. Do we really need to make such a big issue over a single isolated case? I don't know...if this continues, I really have to raise this issue with the school. I just find that the continuous shut down for a period of 10 days each time is not justifiable. Justin, especially need to attend school to prepare himself for Primary one.

My Simple Lunch

Today, my lunch is very simple but still I take some pictures of the food. Guess I'm so sick of my work at the moment that even taking pictures of lunch seems more interesting. Haha... It just comprise of boiled vegetables with garlic oil and oyster sauce, sayur lodeh and sardines cooked with onion and chilli padi. Without rice. I ate very little of the sayur lodeh as I reckon that it is fattening. So, still have alot left. Jin, you want some? *evil grin*

My Animal Personality

What Is Your Animal Personality?
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Strange

I just find it all very strange. The hubby told me awhile ago that he felt alittle tense, a little unsettled. Then after I took my shower, I checked on Justin, Joel and the hubby. The hubby and Joel had slept. Justin was close to sleeping. I came out of the room and continued working at my computer desk. I heard the bedroom door opened. Justin walked out and lay on the sofa. I asked Justin why he didn't sleep since tomorrow he had to wake up early for school. He told me he could sleep on the sofa. Then he started crying, inconsolably. I woke the hubby up and asked him what happened. He said he had no idea. Justin continued to cry. It just breaks my heart to see him so upset and I have no clue over what is happening!

Turd Tagged

All thanks to Aishah, I am now turd-tagged. I don't know what the hell that is, I just know I have to create some kind of poem. I thought I could escape it when my dearest friend Jin decide to spare me this difficult task! LOL. Anyway...

Let me lay down the rules :1. Write a four line poem with the 1st and 3rd lines being "turd in a punch bowl"2. Make lines 2 and 4 rhyme, using any topic.3. Pass along to 3 unsuspecting punchdrinking bloggers and make them put it on their blog site.

Turd in a punch bowl,
Roses are red. Violets are blue.
Turd in a punch bowl,
I made this poem up, whilst sitting on the loo.

Ok... I don't have 3 people to pass on to. Cos people I want to sabotage have already got it. Heheee....

My hubby has slim down!

YEAH! I manage to bring down hubby's clothing one size down!

No, he doesn't need to go through starvation. He eats his proper meals. Just that, I reduce his carbo intake. Previously, he ate one full bowl of rice. Now, I cut down to half a bowl and replace it with vegetables and meat. Less chocalates or sugary snacks. I do not deprive him of these tidbits. He can still eat but should not do so on a frequent basis. If he's hungry, I let him drink low fat milk. Sometimes, it's fruits like apples. And I increase alot of his vegetables and fibre intake. It's no longer white bread, but wholemeal bread.

Sigh... I do not want him to go through whatever I have gone/am going through.

My Mother's Day gift

My darling Justin makes this for me for Mother's day. I'm so proud of him! The words were actually typed in his kindy. They had a program whereby they were supposed to type out their thoughts.

BMI

BMI calculation is
-Determine your weight in kilograms
-Determine your height in metres squared
-Divide your weight by your height in metres squared.

My BMI using this calculation with my current weight is 22.9.

Between 20 and 24.9 corresponds to the healthy weight range of young and middle-aged adults. I am in the normal range. However, according to my dietician's BMI calculator, I am overweight and is 15.7% overweight! Just a month ago, my ideal weight is 52kg but now, my ideal weight drops to 50kg.

The hubby rebuked me and told me "bullshit". Anyway, he has nothing good to say about my dietician and "that" place. Just mere mention of them would send his blood boiling. He was always telling me "you are always so intelligent and so against all these unscrupulous practices. You have no qualms in challenging doctors and their prescriptions and putting them down. You questioned, you checked, you are not easily conned. But for once, you are stupid! You are hopelessly insensible to believe those bunch of idoits!". There was once he was so angry that he threw away my grapefruit.

There was an article in today's papers - "Eating disorder up sharply". Sometimes, I do wonder whether I am heading towards the path of eating disorder? Strangely, I am never in agreement towards starvation to reduce weight.

"Until 2002, the Singapore General Hospital saw 20-30 patients each year with the eating disorder, anorexia nervosa. Today, it is seeing 5 a week.

No longer is the starvation disease confined to teenage girls, though they make up the majority of patients. Now, older women and even boys are falling prey to it.

Dr Lee Ee Lian, consultant psychiatrist at SGH, puts the spike down to one main factor - media bombardment of the idea that thin is good, especially in slimming advertisements targeted mainly at women.

The pervasive message has given rise to the a phenomenom she terms "social obesity".

"A girl can be healthy in medical terms. "

"Yet by social measurments, she is deemed fat or obese". Society has moved the BMI several notches downwards, to between 17 and 21. This is the level that it considered "healthy" when it is not." said Dr Lee.

Aneroxics believe they are overweight even when they are grossly underweight, and deliberately starve themselves to be thin.

Between 5 and 7 percent of those girl would die. Today, motality has increased to 18 per cent, said Dr Lee.

Both doctors wrote a joint letter that was published in The Straits Times forum page on Thursday criticising a recent advertisment that showed a 1.5m tall young woman who had lost 9kg in just 3 months.

The "before" picture had her weight as 48kg. That makes her BMI 21.3, which is within the healthy range. In the "after" photo, her weight was 39kg.

"Her BMI would be 17.3, rendering her in the underweight category", said Dr Lee.

Dr Lee said Singapore, and much of Asia, were still obsessed with thinness, while in the West, there was now a backlash against being too thin.

"Singapore today mirrors the West in the 1970s and 1980s, where the ideal body image is the waif-like figure of models," she said.

Buying Trips

I have people telling me how they envy me that I go for buying trips in the region. Isn't shopping and buying beautiful stuff a girl's greatest pleasure?

Well, it really isn't as nice as what people think. It can be tiring, demanding and alot of social "work". Every trip is exhuasting and every trip requires days, and even weeks of preparation. The whole day/s will be spent travelling and sourcing for clothes, negotiations with suppliers, putting up with dust and most of the times, in hunger because there is simply no time for food!

Today is the typical day of our buying trip. Hubby slept at 5am to finish up all preparation work. We woke up at 5.45am, had a shower and drove to the airport. We had a quick breakfast at the food centre in the airport and I drank 2 cups of coffee to perk myself up since I also slept late the night before. However, no amount of coffee I drank could wake me up. Hubby and I caught alittle sleep in the plane. After that, we spent another hour discussing about our plan for the day.

When we reached the airport of our destination, we went to 7-eleven and bought some sandwiches. While we walked to the cabs, we had a quick bite of our ham bread. We rushed to our first supplier, we spent there for about 2 hours sourcing for what we wanted. After that, the second supplier came to pick us up and we headed right to the factory. It was another 2 hours drive to the factory. We caught some sleep again. When we reached there, I quickly rushed to choose what I need to buy while hubby negotiates our deals and engage in social talk with the boss. By then, we were starving. We took out 2 sugar rolls that we had bought earlier on for "emergency" and had a bite and down ourselves with lots and lots of water. Work continued until late in the evening. Weather was so unbelieveably hot! I was sweating away in the HOT (40 degrees celcius) factory trying to buy as many beautiful things as possible within a short span of time. I think I would have got a heat stroke anytime! Hubby, on the other hand, had a better life than me, staying in the air con room and talking to the supplier, only coming to me when he needed some clarification on the documentation.

We worked till 5pm, then the supplier, again drove us to the airport. It took another 2.5 hours to reach the airport. I was so tired that I slept during the extremely bumpy uncomfortable ride. Had a quick KFC dinner at the airport and slept again in the plane. When I reach home, I would usually have a headache due to the extreme heat when I was at the supplier's.

This is just a very short buying trip. If my buying trip is extended to include jewelleries, embroideries and many many more, I can die! I would be lucky if I manage NOT to fall sick after I return from my buying trips.

Work is never easy. Buying trip is not shopping. If I shop for myself, I would be ecastatic. Afterall, the things are for me and I don't care whether people like it or not. But buying trips are for business purposes. Even if there are things that don't interest me, I have to use my foresight and gauge whether they would appeal to my customers. I have to be decisive, have to visualise, have to look far. I have to learn to push myself even when I want to drop. I must also open my eyes wide to the nitty gritty details even at one glance as I can't spend too much time on a single item or design. I must touch a fabric and know what sort of fabric it is, whether it is good or bad and the potential pros and cons for a customer. Most of all, bad judgement during buying trips would have detrimental results on the business. And good judgement would make a business florish. So, experience counts alot. Even the hubby dares not undertake this task.

Nah... it's never fun. Alot of brain work. The satisfaction comes when whatever you have purchased or designed enhance the beauty of someone and make her happy and confident. That is my greatest satisafaction.

DIET

Sometimes, I am very amazed by some people who can eat and eat and doesn't put on weight. People like me is those kind that eat 1 kg and put on 2kg. I think my mom must have eaten very little when she was pregnant with me. Research has shown that mommies who eat ALOT during their pregnancy tend to have children with higher metabolism. I find it true to a certain extend. When I had Justin, I ate so much that I put on 25kg. End up, Justin grows up eating alot but never get fat. He is one skinny boy but he has a hearty appetite. Conversely, when I had Joel, I was not well-off so I cut down alot on food, often eating overnight food or just instant noodles. I would try to suppress my cravings and ignore my hunger. Joel is a child that gets fat easily. He doesn't eat as much as Justin but he puts on weight easily.

My bones are heavy so even when I was at my thinnest period, and wearing a size S, my weight is never lower than 52kg. So, I have never planned to achieve anything less than 52kg which I know is impossible for me to attain. Base on my height, in Asia context of BMI, my ideal weight is 53kg. So, if I base on Asia BMI context, I am overweight. But if I base my BMI on America's context, I am at my ideal weight and is at normal range.

Well, I am working towards 52kg. I miss my pizza, my chips, my prawn noodles, my wanton mee but I reckon that when I achieve my ideal weight, I would be able to indulge myself in all these food in moderation. At the moment, since I am working to reduce my weight, these food are strictly out of reach.

BUT, tomorrow is an exception. Since I am leaving for my business trip, I am going to eat some really sinful food. When I come back, I'll then think of the consequences!

Gosh!

OMG! I'm getting panicky over my business trip this Friday! How am I going to walk?? I have to do "massive" walking but now, I don't walk, I limp. So how??

I can still drive because my useless leg is my right leg. All my right leg need to do is to step accelerator abit and brake abit. I do not need to stretch out my right leg at all when I drive. It remains at a curved position which is currently the most comfortable position for me.

My left leg is the one that needs to keep depressing clutch when I change gear and it's good and still serving its purpose. So, I am lucky that I hurt my right leg and not left. Otherwise, no one is going to fetch my mom for checkup at the hospital today and no one would be there to fetch the hubby from work.

But what about my business trip this Friday???!! Already, people around are giving me the odd stares and I've got a feeling they think the hubby is so noble and great in marrying a handicapped woman.

Now, I'm desperately trying to find chinese sinseh to treat my bad leg! I am toying with the idea of reflexology and see whether the person can perform any miracle to my leg.

Nightmares

Nowadays, I am always tired and lethargic. This has got to do with my nightmares which have somehow become a daily affair. Because of the nightmares, I am unable to rest and go into deep sleep. It is quite torturing and it reminds me vividly of my old house, where I used to have nightmares everynight to a stage when I feared sleep. Eversince I moved to my current house, things settled down and I stopped having nightmares. Now, it starts again. On a daily basis. Sometimes, I would dream that spirits are trying to catch me and I would try to run away, but end up waking up in fear.

I am also constantly popping painkillers. I guess, due to my lack of sleep, I am always having headaches so, to stop that throbbing pain and continue to work, I had no choice but to take painkillers. Actually, I never like painkillers because I feel that they do nothing but just to numb the pain. It actually mask the severity of the problem and I don't think that's good. But I really have no choice since I have to ensure that business operation continues smoothly.

I just hope that I could get some peaceful sleep. Maybe I am too burdened by alot of things and the stress manifest itself in nightmares.

Justin's Drawings

These are some of Justin's drawings. I think he draws better than these. It's just that some of his drawings have been misplaced and some have been thrown away. These are lying on his desk and I just grab them to take pictures. He draws that flower for me :)

I am almost crippled

I pulled a muscle very badly at my right leg and now, I'm almost "crippled". I'm limping all the way and I find it almost impossible to stretch out my right leg. The hubby asked me where it hurts and when I explained to him where was the pain, he told me I had pulled the main "whatever" muscle and instructed all exercises to stop before I tear it and really become handicapped. He also said that if I really pulled the muscle that he suspected, then it would take a long time for me to recover.

The problem is that I do not know the proper way to exercise and I don't have anyone to guide me. So, my exercises are all on a "anyhow" "rojak" basis. I could have improper warm up for my joints and muscles before I jumped into a vigorous work-out that resulted in my injury. Or my procedures of work-out could be all wrong. I really don't know.... It sure hurts like hell now. I couldn't even walk straight!

I'm wondering....is there anyway for me to have a speedy recovery? I'm leaving for overseas this Friday, and I miss my exercises! *SOB*

Can't think of anything to write

Actually, I find myself getting more and more boring. It's like I have nothing better to write. Everytime when I drop a note here, it will always be "I am so busy...blah blah blah...". Sigh... indeed I am dreaming of the day when I have a life and I could write more interesting stuff.

Well... I am still continuing my exercise regime. I guess, I won't stop it for the time being. I mean, I feel more firm up and I just like it that way. I am starting to eat more. Of course, I am not eating just about anything under the sun. I eat when I am hungry. I really feel that I am jeopardizing my metabolism by starving myself.

I am looking forward to my wedding anniversary the end of May. Sweet hubby has booked a short getaway weekend for us to enjoy the occasion. Though it is a business cum lesiure trip, we are making it an effort this time to focus more on lesuire then work. We are ommiting alot of places that we usually go for our business purposes. We don't even wish to meet any of our suppliers during our anniversary trip. Though it would just be a short 2 days trip, we plan to make it a trip when we would indulge ourselves crazily with good food, massage and shopping! I hope I could slim down enough for me to change a brand new wardrobe! kekeke....

That's about it for today. I don't know...but nowadays eversince I started exercising, my eyes cannot stay open after 1am. I thought exercises is supposed to make me active, but it seems to have the opposite effect!

Pug no more...

Originally, I wanted to get a pug. But hubby is trying to psycho me to get a mongrel. He said he never like a pedigree, not so much the cost factor, but more that these expensive breeds are more difficult to maintain. I am still undecided. I like dogs that are either very big or very small. I would love to have a husky. They are so handsome! I would love to have a pug but it is so difficult to get one in Singapore. I don't like a jack russell terrier. I don't like long haired dogs. I need one that won't bite my kids.

Mongrel? I don't know...