Worries...

I'm so overwhelmed with worries that I have no mood to blog.

Be safe Jin... Be safe...

Omen?

This morning, I saw a big black moth outside the house. It is not the usual moth. It is a big one, about the size of my palm. It laid on the floor, injured. Maybe someone has stepped on the wing accidentally, I don't know...

I saw it when I brought the kids to school. When the kids' school ended and I was leaving the house to fetch my kids, I saw the moth again. This time, the big moth was struggling to flutter down the stairs. When I drove the kids home, the moth was dead on the stairway. Justin was terrified by it. His temperament somehow changed after he saw the moth.

I don't know...maybe I am letting my imagination run wild. Is it an omen or what?

For Jin

That's What Friends Are For

And I never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned
I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe I love you

And if I should ever go away
Well then close your eyes and try
To feel the way we do today
And then if you can remember

Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Well you came in loving me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way I thank you

Oh and then for the times when we're apart
Well then close your eyes and know
The words are coming from my heart
And then if you can remember

Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

That's what friends are for.


Take care. We're behind you :)

Just some thoughts on my mind

I'm so tired, so drained. I feel like my energy is being sucked out of me. I'm living with the enemy. I'm constantly in fear over what she would do. I don't worry for myself. I worry over whether if something happens, I could protect the kids.

She is scheduled to leave for Phillippines next monday. Meanwhile, I still have 6 days of fear. I do not have luck with new maids. The one that I thought was fine rejected the interview with me today. I am not satisfied with the rest I have seen. So now, it is back to square one, wondering what tomorrow will bring for me.

Since Arleen is leaving next monday, I may just want to arrange for a short vacation with the kids, hubby and Lani to Kuala Lumpur next Friday. All of us need a break and some breathing space. The extreme stress that we are going through is indescribable. I am thinking a short trip, even for a mere 2-3 days, out of the country for all of us would do us good.

A home is a place where we retreat to from the harsh world. A home is a place where you feel safe and secure. A home is a place you find love. A home brings you comfort in times of difficulties.

I don't feel any of the above now. I just feel uncertainty, fear, worries and anger. I'm not the one who feel this way. Hubby, too, feels similarly. We hardly laugh nowadays. Though he puts up a brave front, I know he worries alot for us when he goes back to work.

I believe in positive and negative "qi" in the house. When the people in the house feels great, the feeling of the house is different. It feels very positive and the place looks bright and cheery. On the other hand, if the house is filled with sadness, misery and all the negative vibes, the house will in turn feel negatively. At the moment, the house is very tense. The room of Arlene feels especially dark. She has brought in the negative vibes and all of us are pulled down by her.

New helper

This is the new maid that hubby and I have chosen. She is actually a transfer maid currently working in Singapore. I find her reasons for leaving her employer acceptable. Her employer is going through a nasty divorce and can't keep her anymore due to financial problems. However, her ex-employer leaves her contact number with the agency for reference. Her ex-employer welcomes the new employer to call her for any questions regarding this maid. This maid has loads of working experience (4 years in Singapore and 1 year in Hong Kong) and is able to cook due to her experience with chinese families. Only problem is that she is old and she is VERY short. She is 36 years old. And she is just 139cm (4 foot 8"). That's why nobody wants her and no one who stays in HDB flats and high rise apartments can use her.

Well...thinking positively, with age comes maturity and acceptance. She may be able to click better with my mom. As for her height, I think I should not deprive a person from working just because of her physical appearance, as long as she has a good heart and a positive working attitude. Moreover, I have another helper who can help her to hang the clothes out to dry. So, it shouldn't pose a problem to me.

I don't know... I will interview her later today and will be bringing my current helper to talk to her. I am desparate now. The agency has warned me that if I cancelled Arlene's work permit, I may have lots of difficulties re-applying for another work permit for a new maid. This is because the re-application involves a second maid in the household. The agency recommends that I do a transfer of name instead of cancellation. Since Arlene is giving me hell, I am VERY desparate to find someone to replace Arlene.

Edit to add:
Bad bad luck! We wanted to interview the new maid today but just when we wanted to step out of the house, the agency called and told us that the new maid is no longer available. She has found herself a job. Sigh..................

Madness

Today I feel fear, the fear that chills me right through my heart.

I spoke to Arlene to update her of the status of her documentation for her departure. Meanwhile, I reprimanded her for her constant drama and the extreme stress that she is causing to my current maid, Lani. I was quite fierce.

She stood there and stared at me. In her eyes, there is no remorse. Just a piecing look that sent me shivering. I cut short my talk with her and told her to go back to her room. She refused to move. She stood there. Even when Lani told her to go inside the room, she just stood there. Lani had to push her to her room. She told us, "send me back NOW or I will NOT be able to control my emotions". She gave me one of her dramas again. But this time, it was madness. It was hysteria. It was a sign to show me she is capable of doing anything. Anything! She has no tears.

Even as I am typing now, my hands are still cold. I am too scared over what she would do to my family. Lani broke down and cried. She looked at Lani coldly. That chilling look. She is going mad. No, she is not crazy. She is too calm to be insane. Something just goes terribly wrong that makes me cold, makes me want to faint. I squat down to compose myself. The house feels unusually chilling. She gave me her threats. Hubby, FOR ONCE, shouted. Really shouted. He does not want her to harm us.

I was prepared to call the police. Hubby was prepared to defend us. It was madness. Total madness!

I am still in fear over what she will do. She locks herself in her room in total darkness. She doesn't want to eat. She doesn't want to bathe. Every minute, every second now is a danger. Oh God, please keep me sane. I cannot take this anymore. I cannot take this threat anymore. I cannot live in fear anymore.

Shopping

This afternoon, I was feeling so lousy that hubby and I decided to bring the family out for some breathing space. Meanwhile, I wanted to shop for some clothes too. I didn't get a chance to shop for a long time and I decided I just wanted to do some pampering for myself.

I was at Plaza Singapura shopping mall. I saw a jeans at Dorothy Perkins going for half price. It was a European size 10 with a hips measurement of 34 inches. I was pretty sure that it wouldn't fit me. I have a pear shape body and I need to buy a L-XL pants because of my big hips. However, I wear a M size top.

Surprise, surprise, I could fit into the jeans! But, it is alittle tight. Still, I could zip it up fine. I still buy it because I'm sure my tummy will go down further because I haven't reached my target weight. It was such a nice feeling to be able to fit into this pair of jeans with a mere 34 inches hips. I wouldn't even dream of it. But now, it has become a reality! A great motivator indeed.

Besides the jeans, I bought a spaghetti top from Dorothy Perkins which is going for 20% discount. I also bought another lace up cap sleeve shirt at Marks and Spencer which is also going for about 30% discount. By the way, I think Marks and Spencer clothes are overpriced here but I simply love the fabric and the cutting. The clothes just seem to last forever.

I feel happy with all the shopping. It just rejuveniates me. I hardly shop for any clothes for myself. So when I do shop, hubby will not stop me.

I just want to mention Jin. She is a great motivator in my weight loss regime. Without her telling me straight forwardly that I have grown fat, I would still be downing myself crazily with lots of fattening food. My size would have grown and grown. Hubby would never stop me from eating because he pampers me too much. It's Jin who slap me with this painful fact that wakes me up! She is never one to say words to please my ears and it did hurt. But, I take her "criticism" as a challenge and tell myself that I WILL slim down. She has also seen me through the worst during the entire process and given me constructive feedback.

Now, I am finally able to fit into clothes that I never ever dream of wearing. Though I know I can never attain a model size figure due to my built, at least, I no longer look fat and flabby. When I walk past slimming booths, I no longer have sales promoter haunting me to sign up their packages! :)

Trying to vent...

I don't know what the fuck did Arlene come out with this time but she surely causes the house to feel upset! Everyone is not feeling right this morning when we wake up. I see an angry Lani. I see Justin and Joel throwing tantrum for no freaking reason. They were unusually quiet and don't want to do anything, and Justin gets weepy! Hubby meets hiccups at work and I'm super edgy!

The trend I notice is when Arlene is up with her drama, the mood of the whole house will get VERY upset because of her. Hubby and I will find ways to quarrel. The kids will be super naughty. But when Arlene is calm, the mood of the house will feel good and all of us are happy together.

I don't know what the hell she wants! I am already agreeing to send her home. I already agree to write off her loan. I already agree to buy her an air ticket home. I give her good food. I reduce her housework. I bring her out. She doesn't do much work nowadays. I even do the cooking now. She has a good life. We even tell her to treat Singapore's trip as a holiday with expenses paid by us. So what the fucking hell she wants???

She is also eating more and more. Without much work and with all the good food, she is growing in size. SHE IS FATTER AND UGLIER! Lani, on the other hand, is losing weight, by all the stress and also by taking on Arlene's job. Any appreication from Arlene? NO! She is just a piece of shit! Worse than A PIG!!!

I'm slowly growing to HATE her. I have never once disliked my helpers so much in my life. I wish that she will suffer the kind of mental torture that she inflict on others! I hope she and her husband will see what kind of scum she is! ASSHOLE!

Arlene again...

I know instinctively that Arlene and Lani had a bad quarrel when I came out of the bedroom after my shower. It was 11pm and both doors to Arlene and Lani's rooms were shut. Just 15-20 minutes ago, they were still sitting in Lani's room. Moreover, I know them well enough that they do not sleep so early. They usually prefer to go to bed at 12 midnight and they always greet me "goodnight".

Today, they stopped sleeping together and my guess is that Lani had kicked Arlene out of her room. Lani didn't even ask me what breakfast to prepare for the hubby. She didn't even ask me whether the hubby is going to work tomorrow. That is strange because even when Lani is sick, she will still ask me before she goes to bed. She must be very mad with Arlene to ignore everyone and just shut herself in her room.

I believe Arlene is having one of her dramas again but this time, she showed it to Lani instead of the hubby and I. I have warned Arlene that any nonsense from her and she would be off to the agency and I won't care how the agency is going to handle her. Arlene has a phobal towards agencies so she is very scared of this "threat". Not that I will send her to the agency because she is afterall not hired from the agency and the agency won't handle her. I directly hire her from the phillipines, engaging only the agency for documentation purpose. So I have no other way but to put up with her until her departure date. Frankly, I also won't let her go to the agency in case she runs away and I have to forfeit my $5000. Like what Jin says, she is not worth $5000. I fully agree. I am not sorry to say that she gives me nothing but shit and she causes alot of upsets in the house.

I am also keeping a watchful eye on her. I just feel that she has a bad character and with Lani's constant nags, I am not surprise that one day she would snap. That is something that I prepare myself mentally alot of times on what I should do. I have 2 kids to protect and so if there comes a day when she goes nutso and starts behaving violently, I need to know what I have to do. I discuss this with the hubby and he derive a plan for me to follow. Firstly, I would immediately grab Justin and Joel and locked them in one of the rooms. If Arlene gets violent and uses physical force, I was to stay inside the locked room with the kids and called the police as well as my parents and hubby immediately for help. Hubby told me that my safety and the kids come first so Lani would have to find ways to protect herself.

If Arlene has not turned violent but is losing control of herself and is shouting and screaming, I should immediately locked the kids in the room. Next, I would intervene and command each one of my helpers into their own rooms, locked up and cool down. If nothing works and Arlene started using force, I should retreat to the room and called the police.

A handphone has been hidden inside the room for this purpose. Sometimes, come to think of it, it is sad to feel unsafe in our own home. But I have no choice but to get myself prepared since I am with the kids alone most of the times. I am not a strong lady and I could easily be put down by another person with force. Therefore, hubby and I both know that there is no point that I try to control them with force. Arlene is way too huge for me to handle. And when a person goes insane, her strength could triple!

Lets just hope nothing of such will happen. I am not fearful of them. I am just fearful that I could not protect my kids.

School term starting...

Next week, school is going to re-open for the new term. I am both looking forward and not looking forward to it.

It's good for me because I finally has some "me" time. Currently, I am with them through their waking hours. I can't go out, even to run errands, because I have to keep an eye out for Arlene.

I think the kids are also getting bored at home. I feel guilty for not bringing them out to enjoy. I would love to bring them outdoors, to parks so that they would engage in some outdoor activities. But, I am too busy with my work to physically spend time with them. When they are back to school, at least there would be something to occupy their time.

I am not looking forward to the start of the school term because I will miss the kids' voices around. Even though they can irk me with their constant quarrels and noises, I still love having them around. Sometimes, when I am so sick with my work, just hearing their laughter would put a smile to my face.

I guess I will also miss waking up late! They are in the first session and that would mean I have to wake up really early to get them prepared. Currently, the kids and I just laze in bed until almost 10am everyday. It is a very warm feeling to be able to snuggle in bed with the kids.

When I look back at what I have done with them during the school holidays, I did nothing with them. I didn't even let them do any worksheets or join any enrichment classes like what many mommies do. I just let them do whatever they want. Childhood is supposed to be carefree. I remember when I was a child, I looked forward to holidays because that would mean no homework or rushing for school. I want Justin and Joel's childhood to be carefree. They are at such a tender age and I just want them to enjoy as much as possible before formal school education kicks in and they would then be burden with never ending homeworks, projects and assignments.

A daughter's wish...

My parents have gone to Genting today. I can't help but feel worry for them. My dad is not in good health and I'm just worried that he would hit any supernatural stuff there.

Genting is a place that I am avoiding at all cost. I used to be there like 3-4 times a year. The kids love the theme park and hubby and I often bring them there to enjoy the rides. We love the cool weather.

However, there isn't once when we came back with no supernatural tales to tell. We often hit problems there and usually, it is the hotels there that give us a lot of problems in a supernatural way. Until the one time when we had a narrow escape. Don't ask me what was it because I really don't know. All I know is that we were blessed and we managed to return home unhurt. From then on, we stopped going to Genting. It has been about 2 years since our last trip and I am not missing the place. The kids however would love to visit Genting again because of the theme parks, and we were thinking of alternative theme parks to bring them to such as the one in Berjaya Times Square, Kuala Lumpur. As far as now is concern, we won't be going Genting again.

My parents are there today. If they are in the pink of health, it won't worry me that much. Problem is, my dad isn't. I'm hoping in my heart, that he would be fine. Before he leaves for Genting this morning, hubby gives them both a red packet to wish them a smooth and safe journey. Though the red packets do not carry miraculous power, I just wish they would keep it by their side and that God would hear a daughter's prayers and wish them well.

Dad, Mom...may you be well throughout your journey.

Hubby bought this for me...

...during his recent rushed business trip. I feel special because he just buys this gift for me only. He didn't even get any gifts for the kids. LOL





Actual bag looks better than the pictures. Pictures don't show the embroideries well. It is made of very intricate embroideries and sequins. Colours are very vibrant. Fabric is also soft. I like it.

Justin and Joel

I brought Justin and Joel to the playground just now. They brought along their bicycles and soccer ball. We were at the exercise playground when we encountered this bully. He was almost the same age as Justin and Joel but he was really nasty and bullied Justin and Joel all the way.

I guess alot of mommies out there would have intervened. I don't know whether I am cruel or what, but I didn't. I just sat there quietly, watching. Even when the boy picked up pebble and aimed at Joel and threw, I kept silence. I just watched.

The bully wanted the bicycle of Joel. Joel didn't allow and told the boy not to touch. Since then, the bully harrassed them. He called Justin and Joel names. He scolded them stupid. He wanted to slap them. He kicked their bicycles. He even snatched the bicycle from them. He demanded that Justin and Joel let him have their bicycles.

Before this bully entered the picture, it started off with Justin and Joel quarrelling. They were at "cold wars" and they screamed at each other.

When the bully stepped in, it was amazing how they put their "quarrel" aside and stood with each other.

Joel was more daring than Justin. Joel argued with the bully brillantly with no signs of backing down. He didn't allow the bully to touch his belongings. He even guarded his brother's bicycle when the bully tried to snatch Justin's bicycle. When the bully hit Joel's bicycle and showed sign of hitting Joel, Joel immediately raise his hands to fight back and to punch. It was more a self defense but it showed clearly that he wouldn't allow anyone to touch him.

When the bully told Joel that he was older than Joel and therefore Joel had no "right" to talk or "bargain" with him, Joel immediately called for his brother whom Joel feel has the "right" to talk because Justin is older. Justin didn't shun away. He walked to Joel and stood besides Joel. Though Justin remained quiet all this while, he didn't run away or hide.

Justin and Joel kept looking at me for some kind of approval but I just stared at them, expressionless. It is very clear to them that mommy will not help. They came to me and hand me their soccer ball and asked me to help them keep because they needed to guard their bicycles. The bully came and asked me for the ball. I just told the bully that the ball doesn't belong to me. It is Justin and Joel and it is for them to decide whether to give the ball to him. I told the bully to seek the permission of Justin and Joel before I could hand the ball to him. The bully commanded Justin and Joel to give him the ball. They both gave a firm "No" despite the rising pressure. The bully continued to scold Justin and Joel and told them he wanted to slap them.

Justin and Joel didn't physically fight back. They kept their cool and they faced the bully. They didn't run away and they didn't succumb to pressure or threats. I am very proud of them.

Even if the bully were to hit Justin and Joel, I would let the bully hit. I want to see how Justin and Joel handle the situation. I want them to know that their life is not always sheltered by daddy and mommy. I want them to learn independance. Sometimes they have to depend on each other. They are brothers and they need to set all differences aside and stand together in times of difficulties, and fight back! They have passed my "test" and I am glad that they remember the values I drill into them.

On our way home, I told them that mommy is happy with how they have looked out for each other and they are right to stand firm on their ground. They are also right not to be violent when provoked and only defend themselves when the need arises. Well done!

I don't know...

Hubby and I aspire to be nice and understanding employers. We have therefore refused to engage the help of an agency when we brough Arlene in from the Philippines. If we were to engage the agency services, Arlene would have to pay a sum of $1600 as maid's loan plus documentation fee of a few hundreds dollars, to be deducted from her monthly salary. That would mean a whooping $2200. By her paying this amount, we employers would have been protected such that if the worker doesn't suit us, we just let the agency handles everything without coming out with any single cent or effort. We chose not to let Arlene go through this because we felt that we could help her in whatever ways we can. We helped her pay a lump sum of $1400 for all the neccessary documentation and embassy fee and try our best to bring her in directly. We further emphatise with the fact that she may be in debt in the Phillipines and gave her an advance salary when she just came so as to let her pay off her debt. When she told Lani that she didn't have enough money to renew her passport, Lani had remit money for her to apply for her passport. Arlene didn't even need to go through any hardship to come here to work in Singapore. Other maids in her position would have to slog for years to earn enough money just to pay for agency fee to work overseas. Even now when Arlene goes back home, she has nothing to lose. Her debts are all cleared, by my advance salary.

Before she got the advance salary, she wasn't that bad. She gladly took the salary I gave and immediately sent back home to settle ALL her debts. Then the drama started. This is a big loss for us considering that I have to pay her repatriation cost. How could she take the advance salary when in her mind, she had wanted to go back home and leave us with this pile of shit?

I learn my lesson. It doesn't pay to be nice. I had wanted to help a poor family to create a better future. I am a mother myself and I know how much I want my kids to have a good future. So I step in her shoes and think for her and her children. I thought she would be grateful and be hardworking and loyal to repay my kindness. How wrong I was! Instead of thanking me, she bit me hard.

I was naive. I was stupid. I was a BIG TIME FOOL. Her actions makes my heart turn cold. Originally I had wanted my ex-helper back. But now, I think twice. What happens if my ex-helper bit me?? What happens if after all the money that I have paid to bring my ex-helper in, she came out with the same drama as Arlene? Afterall, she has not been working for me for 3+ years. How much she has changed, I don't know... Yes, I have lost faith in maids in general.

If I get a helper from the agency, I would be protected. If the helper doesn't work for me, I send her back to the agency. I don't have to live in fear of what tomorrow will bring. I don't have to live in fear that the helper will harm my family. I don't have to live in fear that my helper will cheat me.

I don't know...

Tough...

It has been tough, very tough recently, being aware of what Arlene is doing and be on high alert, guarding ourselves and the kids.

I think before Arlene goes insane, the recent activities would have first driven us to insanity.

Like yesterday, we slept with much stress. It wasn't a restful sleep. When hubby and I lay down on the bed, our ears were still sharp to pick up any noise from outside. We were nervous over the possibility of what Arlene would do. When we thought we heard the sound of keys, hubby jumped out of bed to investigate whether Arlene was leaving the house. We were not afraid that she would run away. We were more afraid that she would commit sucide. In the end, we kept the keys inside our room to prevent anyone from opening the door.

When hubby thought he heard the room door opened, he jumped out of bed again, went outside to make sure that Arlene was not up to something funny to harm the family. He was even prepared mentally to meet a crazy woman with a knife swinging at him.

My bathroom was situated in a way that the bathroom's window faced diagonally across Arlene's room's window. So, whenever there was conversation in Arlene's room and it was loud enough, I could hear it in the bathroom if I was taking a shower. Yesterday, I took a shower late in the night when Arlene retreated to her room. When I was showering half way, I thought I heard Arlene calling for someone and it sounds like in an "urgent" manner. At first, I thought she was calling for Lani. But it was not quite possible because Lani was already sleeping in her own room with the door closed. The sound came from Arlene's room. If Arlene needed to call for Lani, Arlene would have gone out of her room to Lani's room and call for her. It was scary.

We locked the bedroom door. We had never locked the bedroom door before when we sleep because we find that it is not neccessary. However, this time, we were too nervous over the prospect of us being defenceless when we were attacked because we were sleeping.

In the end, hubby and I drifted off to sleep out of sheer exhuastion. However, we didn't sleep well. Hubby kept turing here and there. Wheras for me, my sleep was consumed with nightmares.

When I looked at Arlene's eyes, it was one of coldness and despair. When Arlene looked at my kids, the eyes were cold. Somehow, that look is one that speaks of hatred and jealousy. No , she doesn't have any feelings towards my kids eventhough Justin and Joel had tried to be close to her. Her heart is so enclosed that she cannot find love to give to anyone beyond her own children. She cannot even bear to be near to Justin and Joel. She won't look at them. Yet, when she does look at them, it chills me.

Her mind has already gone alittle haywired. If one believes in supernatural involvement, she is at a stage when she will be easily targetted. It reminds me of a case in Singapore when a maid went bazark and hacked the employer to death before she jumped to her death. This happened long ago. It was believed that the maid was possessed.

At the moment, my instinct tells me that she won't do anything funny. But how long that is to last, I don't know...

Meanwhile, I am trying to expedite her departure. I estimate that she would probably leave in about 1 month's time. It is hard to get air tickets now with the school holidays. Till the day she leaves, hubby and I will always be on high alert.

Another drama

This morning, I was awaken by howling coming from outside the room. I am a light sleeper so eventhough it was soft, the sound still woke me up. Hubby and the kids were still sleeping. I listened hard and heard Arlene's howling followed by Lani's voice. Thinking that it was an issue to be settled between the 2 helpers, I stayed in the room without intervening. However, I kept awake to ensure there was no violence, ready to prance into action when I hear any crashing sound. The howling lasted for some time. I managed to fall asleep when the howling stopped.

When I woke up, I went to look for Lani and asked her what happened, she broke down and cried. She told me she couldn't take Arlene anymore. Lani had reached a stage when she couldn't control herself and started to be violent with Arlene. She hit Arlene.

She told me that Arlene was howling and begging her to buy air ticket for her to return. She told Arlene to wait because air ticket need to be bought and the employers need to settle the issues. I mean, it is not that we are not sending her back. It is just that she should not expect to be home immediately. Afterall, documentation needs to be completed. We have not even collected her passport and work permit card and now, we have to proceed with her cancellation. That is how soon she wants to return home! I am not prepared to send her home with business/first class air ticket so how the hell she wants us to get her air ticket immediately?? Even if there is an agency to handle her and I were to send her back to the agency, she doesn't expect to return immediately! She would have stayed with the agency until the appropriate time to return.

Lani said that Arlene didn't want to accept any rationale. She wanted to go home and she wanted to go home NOW. Arlene even prevented Lani to bath and just dragged her. Lani lost control and hit her.

Again, I was boiling upon hearing this so I didn't want to interfere at that time. Hubby tried to speak to Arlene but she refused to listen. She just cried and cried and said she wanted to go home NOW. Hubby was getting pissed and told her to go to her room to cool down before he would speak to her again. After a while, he spoke to her and she behaved the same way. I feel that Arlene is going bonkers. There is something not quite right with her mind. She even told hubby that she didn't know what she would do if she continued to stay in Singapore.

No matter what, Arlene is still under our employment and we are responsible for her. Without the backup of an agency, we still have to control her no matter what until she leaves for Phillipinnes. But looking at her, she is losing it. She is going crazy! She is just too damn pampered to go to work. She is too sheltered in her life, that she cannot take any hardship.

I spoke to Lani and told her to bear with it for a while, that Arlene needs to sleep with her until she leaves. Arlene is too pampered to sleep on her own. She is used to sleeping with her husband and she cannot and will not sleep alone. Arlene is not even prepared to work overseas. As I am prepared to send her back, I don't mind giving in to her whims as long as she doesn't give me any drama during this period of time and I told Lani to bear with it.

Then I spoke to Arlene.

AGAIN, she told me that she wanted to go home NOW. And she howled. I was super pissed already. Still I tried to restrain myself. I explained to her nicely about the procedures and that I was trying to make everything nicely for her to leave. Meanwhile, I would make life as comfortable for her as possible. She continued her nonsense. Lani got really pissed and raised her hand. Hubby shouted for Lani to stop. That is also when I lost it! Hubby stood beside me just in case I got violent too. I really scolded her upside down. I shouted at her that she stopped behaving like a brat. I told her to get lost this minute if she thinks I am not doing enough for her. My door is open wide enough for her to leave. I told her she is damn bloody ungrateful. She gave me a hell lot of problems when I tried to bring her in. Now, when everything settled down a bit, she gave me a hell lot of problem again by wanting to go back IMMEDIATELY, and hubby and I had to go rush for her again. Yes, we would but please give us some time! I was damn bloody pissed with her! Never in my life had I been so pissed with any of my helpers. She drives me nuts!

Meanwhile, I don't know what to do with her. I'm just trying to take things one step at a time. Hopefully when she sleeps with Lani, she will feel better. When she has enough sleep, hopefully she will think better. I don't know.... I have learnt that no matter what you have told to Arlene, she would be back to square one. She doesn't listen. Her character sucks and she is a nightmare come true!

I have enough!

I have enough of my new helper, Arlene. She is going back.

I was so angry with her attitude. My mother called me and almost went hysterical over the phone. Mom is busy today because it's my grandmother death anniversary. She needs to cook alot of dishes as my relatives are coming over to eat.

Arlene was asked to help my mom which is actually her main duty because I have another helper, Lani to help me around my house. I realized from my mom that Arlene has openly go against her. When mom asked her to help, she refused. Even when she did help my mom in the end, she would mutter in her filipino language, as if to curse my mom. She sat there while my mom worked. She burnt the food. She gave my mom a sulking face. She was openly defiant towards my mom. She was no longer subtle in her defiance. I admit that my mom is capable of nagging. She wants housework to be done her way. But there isn't any single helper previously that made her hit the roof. In fact, I have to say that my mom has the kindest of heart if you learn to ignore her nags, which my previous helpers has learnt to appreciate including my current helper, Lani. Mom is even more understanding and tolerant than compared to me most of the times.

Mom called me and screamed in the phone. That already got me boiling. I mean I was working and rushing for my schedule and I have one angry woman screaming over the phone. Mom told me that she asked Arlene to go back to my place because she no longer can stand her.

Luckily, hubby was off work today. I mean, I could withstand misunderstandings, slowness, or whatever, but I CANNOT withstand open defiance. I have already spoken to Arlene NUMEROUS times to change. But she doesn't listen and now, this.

When Arlene stood in front of me, I could feel my blood rising. She gave me a very defiant look and looked away. When I talked to her, she refused to acknowledge me. When I asked her what happened, she again didn't want to answer me. She just stood there with eyes looking up. Even when my old helper, Lani tried to talk to her, she refused to answer back.

I almost went hysterical with her freaking attitude. What was she trying to do??? Never once in my life have I face helper that do such things. Luckily, hubby was off work today. He saw me and knew I almost lost it. He took over the situation and handled Arlene brillantly. If not for him, I think my house would be swarm with police because the employer has managed to hack her helper into pieces.

I see this coming. In fact, I was asking hubby if one day, Arlene become violent and I was left alone with the kids, what should I do. Arlene just seems to have the potential to kill and I was thinking I better prepare myself for this. Today, she appears like a cold-blooded psychotic killer. Her piercing eyes chills me.

Well... back to the drama. Arlene had once again refused to acknowledge hubby. Even when hubby spoke to her, she looked away. There was even a point that hubby was in the midst of talking to her (nicely) when she just walked away. Hubby had to ask her back.

I think hubby had handled her well and I am impressed with him. He kept his cool and asked Arlene calmly what she wanted. She wanted to go home immediately which hubby told her it's not possible. We have to find a replacement. I mean, in the first place, she owes us more than a thousand dollar and she is smart enough to get an advance salary last week to send back home. No matter what, she would still need to work until my new replacement is here, which is about 2-3 months down the road. Furthermore, I have to incur additional cost for her air fare home. These are all so freaking unfair to me!

Hubby told her to work till we find a new replacement. As a soft approach, he used her religion as a Jehovah Witness to make her fullfill her reponsibilities. He told her we would let her return with respect if she doesn't play punk with us. We would even write off her loan and buy an air ticket for her.

BUT, if she were to play punk with us, and be a trouble maker during this period of time, we will make sure that she has no peace when she returns. We are able to afford to lose a couple of thosands dollars to play her out. Contract says that we must send her back to Philippines but if we want to sabotage her, we will buy her an air ticket to the furthest and most ulu part of phillipines and dropped her there. We will also engage lawyers in phillipines to haunt her family. If legal means doesn't work, we have all the money to engage bad guys to create havoc.


No, we don't mean to do all these. It is just a threatening tactic that hubby engages. To deal with Arlene, sometimes, soft approach doesn't work. She will just "eat" you up. She is getting from bad to worse to a point of uncontrollable. The only thing I haven't seen is her violence. She is capable, very capable to reach a stage of insanity if we don't control her properly.

Meanwhile, I asked Lani to help me keep a lookout. If there is any sign to show us that Arlene is losing it, she will be back immeidately.

Things are alittle messy now. My ex-Indo helper would only be calling me in August. It's just June now. And there is no way I can contact my ex-Indo helper. So from now, till then, I still have to face Arlene and her shit. I guess, I just have to leave all these to hubby. There are certain things that he is better at handling than me. Arlene is just beyond me because I find that I can no longer keep calm when I am facing her.

Brrrrrrrr............

Nowadays, I don't know why but I can't seem to withstand extreme temperature. Maybe my body constitution has become weaker due to too much stress and my system has kinda overworked.

I am used to sleeping with the air con on every night. I used to sleep with a temperature of 22 degrees celcius and I was fine with it. Gradually, I increase the temperature because I cannot withstand the cold. Now, the temperature is adjusted to 25 degrees celsius and I am still feeling very cold. Sometimes, the cold even wake me up in the middle of the night. I have to cover with 2 comforters to keep myself warm.

Well.... hubby thinks that the room is very warm. But I don't know why I just feel cold. Sometimes, in the afternoon, I have to switch off the fan because I find that I cannot stand the strong wind.

On the other hand, I cannot stand heat especially the sun.

Wondering where have I gone wrong...

Unlucky?

Weird things happen these couple of days and I feel alittle worried.

Hubby is kinda disorientated these days. I'm very nervous when he drives because he has nearly got himself into accidents. So, I try to make it a point to be always around when he drives. Just the other day, he didn't see the red light and did an emergency brake. There were pedestrians then! Sometimes when he turned our vehicle, he just didn't check for other cars and also got himself into near accidents. Today, while he was putting in his cashcard to drive into the carpark, the vehicle just rolled back. I panicked because at that moment, someone was crossing the road behind our vehicle and we could have knocked him down! It's just very weird of him to behave this way.

Then he has his weird dream when he was lost in a faraway place and couldn't find his way back. He told me that it was a supernatural kind of dream. He forced himself to treat the dream as a dream and woke up through sheer determination. But he said he was very weary after the dream due to too much "struggles".

I am better than him. But I too nearly hit a motorcyclist as I was turning out the lane on my way home while fetching him. At the nick of time, I instinctively looked up and saw the motorcyclist and brake in time to prevent a collision!

Justin and Joel were playing "monster" when I heard Justin cried very badly. When I asked him what has happened, Justin told me that he fell with his head down and knocked his head badly. I was concern over his crying because I know Justin well enough that if it is just a small knock, he wouldn't cry out loud. He buried his face in the pillow, told me that his head hurts alot, cried till he fell asleep. I am monitoring him to make sure that his head is ok because his body feels quite warm and I worry that he runs a temperature.

With all these weird happenings, I am most worried about hubby's business trip next week. For all our business trips, we always go together. But this time round, I am leaving him to go by himself because I have alot of things to complete and I find that my presence can be made redundant. I just hope he won't face any dangers without me to keep a lookout for him. He just seems so unlucky these days and I worry about his safety. I know for sure that if these couple of days, there are signs pointing to me to go with him, I would buy an air ticket and fly together with him.

3.5kg to go...

That is how much I am away from the weight loss goal I set for myself!

There are 2 sets of BMI. One is the international BMI and the other is the Asian BMI. Base on the international BMI, I have achieved my ideal weight. The weight goal I have set for myself is based on Asian BMI. I am basing on the Asian BMI which I find is more accurate because we Asians are smaller built. I am 3.5 kg away!

I have never once lose sight of my goal. It is very hard for me to lose sight of it because once I set my heart to something, I will go for it. I do falter at times especially when I am depressed (which are ever so often!), or when I am in a bingeing mood, then again, I allow myself these "failures" because I am only human.

I am also proud that my weight loss is going by the healthy way. Initially, I went on starvation due to influences from the "dietician". But I soon threw her theory out of the window when my mind stopped functioning and my body almost shut down, and I had severe mood swings.

I also concluded that a protein diet with no carbo is not a healthy way to loss weight. A body cannot function well without any carbo. I personally experienced it because I went on a no-carbo diet and I had very severe mood swings. In fact, my path to a slimmer body is not an easy one. I tried alot of ways and I hurt myself during the process.

Moderation is the key. The body needs abit of everything to be at its perk. Even junk food, once in a bluemoon, is good for the mind.

I started eating well. But I substituted the junk food with healthy food. Instead of eating white rice, I ate brown rice. I stopped all sugary or deep fried food. I do reward myself by indulging in all these sinful food once a week. I tried to increase my daily acitvities to keep my metabolism up. If I couldn't exercise, I try to walk more or try to do more activities at home.

I can't say that I have achieved my goal but I am not far from it. I am at a stage when weight loss is very tough because my body contains less fats to burn. However, I have faith that as long as I keep up with my determination, 3.5kg of weight loss is not too difficult to achieve. Once I have achieved my goal, my diet would go back to its normalcy because all I need is to maintain the weight. Then, I'll start to savour my chicken rice, roti prata, pizza, nasi lemak etc etc, of course, in moderation.

To my darling Miracle

My darling Miracle,

How time flies! You are already one year old.

This day last year, I was so worried about your mommy. It wasn't an easy birth but alas, you were out and all of us were relief.

The first time I set my eyes on you, I was dearly attached to you. When you were a newborn, you were not as pretty as you are today. I still remember how you were driving your mommy up the wall with your constant cries. You caught your mommy by surprise with how demanding a baby can be. LOL

Today, you are a sweet little girl who is active, bright, mischevious and full of energy. You are growing prettier by the day!

My wish for you on your birthday is for you to enjoy happiness and good health.

Happy first birthday, sweetie!

Cake for Jin

Jin, the spouse wants me to post this picture for you. I'll do it for him because it's his birthday lah.

He wants me to pass this message to you.

"Thank you for your present. Here's a cake for you. Picture only. HAHA"

Hubby's Birthday

Today is hubby's birthday. I guess today's programme is what he desires but I reminded him not to arrange these kind of activities during my birthday. It is just not for me. Well, he wanted it this way so since he's the birthday boy, he will get what he wants without any objection from me.

We woke up at 6.30am. I was STONED. I usually need about 2 hours to perk myself up. But today, I'm given half an hr to prepare myself, shower and get out of the house. Since the school holiday, I had never waken up at 6.30am! So, it was really a chore for me to climb out of my bed.

We left the house for Mac Donald's breakfast. The kids were having fun but not me. I was so sleepy that I could hardly open my eyes. I could just lie down on the floor and sleep. After our breakfast, we went to East Coast Park for some serious sun tanning. OMG! I could melt under the heat! The kids were building sand castle. It was about 9.30am and the sun was really HOT. I tried to spend most of my time in the shade but alas, I still couldn't escape the heat. They were under the sun for about an hour. By the time we were prepared to leave, I guess they were almost cooked!

We reached home and I took a shower for the kids. After everyone settled down, I was sleepy again. I was behaving like a zombie throughtout the morning. But I know we still need to go for lunch.

So, I quickly asked the kids and hubby to prepare to leave the house. We left the helpers out because we really wanted to spend time as a family. We went to Parkway and hubby chose Jack's Place. He had the steak and I had grilled fish. After our lunch, all of us proceed to Swenson to have our ice-cream - "Swenson challenge". When we came home, the four of us had a long nap in our air con room. In the evening, together with my parents, we went to the coffee shop for a nice dinner. When we came back, we rested for a while and cut the cake. That basically ended the day.

I don't know... if for me, I guess I wouldn't celebrate my birthday this way. Firstly, I would want to sleep late. Secondly, I wouldn't want to be under the sun. Thirdly, I would love to include a spa package. LOL.

Anyway, as long as it pleases him, it's fine with me. He didn't have the playstation from me but my gift to him is in cash in red packet for him to buy the playstation when the deal is good!

Drama Joel

As I am typing this, I have Joel screaming and crying beside me and smacking me, driving me nuts! He has been so badly behaved to a point that I cannot stand him! Is this a phase? Or is this his character. Whatever it is, I feel like throwing this son away!

This morning, he had one his drama by punching his elder brother several times in the tummy! Justin crotch down in pain and was nearly in tears. I punished Joel by making him sit with me silently for a long period of time. Of course, he screamed and cried. After a long while, I made him stand corner and after that withdrew his after-lunch snack. Another round of crying and screaming.

Then in the late afternoon, I gave each boy a cream cracker for tea snack. Justin had his and was contended. Joel, on the other hand, demanded for a second serving. I rejected. Then came his drama which lasted until now. He cried and screamed for another serving. Because of his bad behaviour, I withdrew yet another of his privilege - going down to cycle, play ball and at the playground. As Justin did not do anything wrong, of course, he went to the playground as usual. Another drama from Joel. He cried, shouted and smacked me. When I told him that I would not bring him down to meet his elder brother. He shouted for me to open the door for him, and told me he would go down by himself. He is just 4! I was so angry I ignored him. He smacked me to get my attention. And had been shouting at my ears for the past half hour without any sign of stopping. OMG! I need to throw Joel into the rubbish bin!!!!!

Edit to add:
Joel drama lasted from the time Justin left the house for the playground and soccer playing, until Justin return home. And is still ongoing! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG!

Cough mixture

Hubby is sick and is coughing so badly that at times I thought he could cough his lungs out. His lost his voice due to too much coughing and is very tired.

I have given him all sorts of medication, but they are all not working - cough suppresant, expectorant, lonzenges etc etc.

Then my dad suggested a disgusting cough mixture. This was taught to my dad by an elderly Indian. My dad has tried it before. He was coughing badly too and and all sorts of medication didn't work for him. But when he tried this method, it worked miracle. My mother who was coughing the same time as my dad hasn't recovered because she had refused to try this disgusting mixture, preferring to take the doctor's cough mixture instead. My dad asked the hubby to try.

The concoction conists of dark soya sauce and pure calamansi juice. What I did for the hubby is to mix 1 tablespoon of dark soya sauce with 2 squeezed calamansi juice and just gulp it down with a little water.

It worked! Hubby stopped coughing for many hours. But late at night, he was hungry and drank a full cup of very cold milk. His whopping cough started again. I am going to make another spoonful for him tonight and stop all cold drinks. Hopefully, he will be well enough to enjoy his birthday tomorrow. My dad just took one spoonful to fully recover.

Stench

Recently my house is filled with a horrendous stench! It smells like something that is decomposing. I stay in a low unit so I understand that sometimes I would encounter such stench espcially when the cleaners are there to clear the rubbish chute. But this stench has been lingering here for the past 3 days. Initially, I thought it was the rubbish water and that the cleaners didn't do a good job. I called up the town council to inform them to get their cleaners to clean up the place. But even after they cleaned up, the stench is still there. I have not found out the cause of the stench but it is getting unbearable for me. Hubby was suggesting that maybe someone died around here and the body is decomposing. I don't think this is the cause. Without finding out the cause of the stench, I can't possibly keep calling the town council.

Sigh, I just hope that the stench could go away because it is making me sick. Everytime I want to eat my food and have a whiff of the stench, I have already lost my appetite. I have been using a huge amount of air fresherner to clear the air but I am getting sick of the air fresherner too!

Fishing

Today, I brought my parents to a temple at Loyang for prayers. After that, I drove all of them to Pasir Ris Park, thinking that my parents could take a walk and the kids could play at the playground. There was a big fishing pond at Pasir Ris Town Park. I was curious and stood there for a while to watch how people fish. After standing there for a while and witnessing how the fish suffer, I told myself that fishing would never be a hobby for me. After they catch the fish, they use a hook to string the fishes aside and leave them in the pond so that they could survive longer. I could tell that the fishes were in pain! They were jumping and struggling. Gosh! What a tough death! I told the kids that this is not the right way to treat any form of live animals. It is a form of cruelty and I wouldn't encourage them to take up fishing.

Some people may say, "they are just fish, no need to be so work out over it since they are afterall food on our table.". Yes, I do agree I eat fish. But I just cannot understand why people want to make their death so torturous? Why can't they make these animals' death a swift one? Afterall, they are still a living creatures and they know what is pain.

If one day I become a vegetarian, it would not be because of religious reason. I don't believe in giving up meat for any religion anyway.

It would be because I get tired of seeing animals being slaughtered to be food on our table. No, I am not an animal lover. In fact, I don't even own a pet. Besides human beings, I am frightened of every damn wriggling thing under the sun.

Yet in my heart, I feel compassion towards these animals. Silly as I may sound, but I feel for their pain. I am still omitting the kind of meat I consume. One day, I may just stop eating meat altogether. When that day comes, I know my hubby would be in full support for my decision because he knows, I do it for myself. And not for any other external factors.

Thinking aloud....

1. Hubby's birthday is coming and I still have no idea how to celebrate for him or what present to buy. He said he wanted a day of peace and relaxation. So, that means he wanted a day without much activities and a day he could rest and sleep. Besides making sure that his birthday is a no-work day, I have no idea how to make it a peaceful and uneventful day for him. I know he wants the day to be with Justin and Joel. Since he doesn't like to face the helpers, probably, I'll just arrange a short trip out for a meal with Justin and Joel, and preferably to a place that Justin and Joel enjoy so that they won't whine so much. After that, I'll just let hubby stay at home to rest, relax and sleep, with cake cutting in the evening.

As for his present, this is giving me a big headache. Initially, it was quite easy to find a gift for him. I was planning to get him a playstation 2. He had wanted a playstation badly to a stage that irritates me. But sometime back, he kinda changed and was/is really nice towards me. So, I thought I should buy him a playstation as a present. But, his thoughts towards playstation also changed. He told me he won't have time to play games with the business and all, and it is a waste of money to let the machine stays there and collect dust. He told me he would probably wait till a later time when he is more sufficiently rested before considering whether to buy a playstation. Meanwhile, he said if I really insist on buying a gift for him, why not buy a handphone for myself? Because a gift for me would be a gift to him. Ahhh... that is so sweet. But honestly, I won't do that to him. I'm still thinking what to get for him...

2. I have to do something about Arlene's cooking but I don't know what to do. I have already told her to stop all MSG and those chicken stock. Just the other day, I went to the fridge and realize that all my chicken stock cubes have been used. Those cubes usually come free with other items I bought. I just thought that instead of throwing them away, I just leave them in the fridge. There were quite a few full boxes and I didn't touch them when I cook. During her 1 month here, she depleted all my chicken stock cubes. She also seems not to be able to get along with my mom. Whenever I sent her over to help my mom, my mom would be in a super duper bad mood. If not for the fact that she is Lani's sister-in-law and I am in a very tricky situation facing these 2 "related" helpers, I would have sent Arlene home. Have I got myself into this shitty situation because I have invited Lani's relative to come here to work instead of a complete stranger?

3. Hubby is falling sick very regularly now. His health is going downhill. I don't know how to improve his health. No amount of health food could improve his health if he continues to be insufficiently rested. Workload is a major problem. He is holding 2 jobs. One is his regular day job, another is our business. Both aspects take up alot of his time and he is sleeping on average 3-4 hours a day. His body is not able to take such sleeping hours. I have been struggling within myself whether I should encourage him to quit his day job since he has no interest in it. If I continue to let him hold on to 2 jobs, he will surely go downhill. If a person has too many things on hand, surely he/she can't do the best out of all the things. But if he has time to focus on just one aspect, maybe he could make the best out of it. It is a very great risk which I don't know whether I am prepared to take. Afterall, alot of factors are at risk. We have too much commitments on hand. But if this risk taken is the correct move, then perhaps it would be a turning point in our life.

4. I am starting my sleeping pills "regime". I can't help reaching for a sleeping pill before I sleep every night. There are too much on my mind and I just find it hard to shut all worries out. Insomnia hits me at this point in time. Yet, I cannot afford not to sleep because I need the strength to face the day-to-day work, uncertainties and taking care of everyone. I know sleeping pill is bad, bad, bad. I had kicked out this habit through sheer determination but I have once again, picked it up. I can be logical and try to sort out my problems, but whenever I think of my dad, the pain just engulf me and I find myself incapable to do anything else. I know I am weak, but the harder I kick myself, the deeper is my sorrow. I always pretend to be smiling and be positive for everyone, but all I can say is that my expression of laughter and positivity are fake. I just feel that I need to be strong for everyone but in reality, I am crumbling inside.

Japanese food

Today, hubby and I went with Jin and the kids to Sakae Sushi to eat Japanese food.

I ordered a Tempura Ramen as my main course. Hubby ordered Tempura Bento. Besides that, I ate some sushi on the sushi belt. Now I am so full and indigested. I'm wondering how Jin could feel hungry so soon. I think I need a big cup of Eno salt for my indigestion. LOL

Hubby and my verdict. Japanese food is not for us. We really cannot see the greatness in Japanese food. To us, it's just rice/vinegar wrap with some fillings. The noodle is soaked in some kind of weird soup. I think our chinese wanton mee is so much tastier. The vegetables for the tempura seem to coat with normal flour. I ordered a chawamunshi but I just took a few spoonful of it. The first spoon was nice. But after that, the scent was too strong for me to withstand. Sashimi and maki ordered by Jin are too raw for me to even contemplate putting into my mouth. The only dish I seem to enjoy is the sweet beancurb with tuna.

After trying this Japanese meal, I thereby conclude that hubby and I are very much a chinese and indian food lover. We love spices. The only dish that hubby fancy in japanese food is the rice topped with curry. As for me, it will be sweet beancurb. I don't like their soupy noodles. Neither do I like the raw food or eggs. I think the rice makes my tummy bloated.

It was still a nice meal. At least, it puts a conclusion in my heart that I am not into Japanese food. LOL

OSIM proposed solutions

With regards to this post, OSIM proposed solution to us are

1. Offer us a partial refund of the air purifier. Note: not the full price. The partial refund has to be used to exchange for other products and us topping up the difference in cash.

OR

2. Buy more air filter since our environment is not good.

Their rationale. Their air purifier works, just that our environment is poor. What the fuck???!!! I am not disputing the fact that their air purifier works or doesn't work. I am disputing the fact that their air purifier doesn't live up to its claim and I have to change the damn filter every 2 months. I cannot swallow the fact that my environment in Katong is 6 times more polluted than other parts of Singapore. In fact the air purifier gets clog up in 2 weeks. Their design failure!!! If I have known this fact and is NOT MISLED by their sales staff, I would not have bought this machine.

Their product sucks! Their after sales support sucks! Everything about OSIM sucks!

Honestly, whether I get back the money for the machine is no longer important. Even if I were to take a hammer and smashed the machine into pieces, it doesn't matter. I am prepared to lose this machine.

It's my principles here that I am standing firm on. I am plotting what I want to do with them. I don't need to win. I just need news to go out that there is problem with their machine and every people checking on their machine and sending them back. I am sure this will happen because OSIM air purifier is not right. Innocent people won't realize that it stops working until they open it up for a detailed check.

They can cite me 101 good reasons why their air purifier is fine. I just need that fatal first blow to cause damage.

Don't treat us like fools. Don't under-estimate us - your "small" customers. We have business of our own and we know what works in a business and what doesn't. We will be reasonable if you offer us reasonable solution. If you OSIM as an organization doesn't know what is service recovery, let me give you the first lesson then.

Troubled...

I don't know how I should treat one of the phonecall I received today but it sure gives me added stress. Maybe I am not in the right mind to think. I'm just pushing this issue aside at the moment because there seems too much for my mind to handle at the moment.

Orginally I had 1 helper. However, my 1 helper not only had to help my mom's house but she has to help me with my houework and kids. I find that she is sleeping very late in the night due to overload of work and I don't find it right. Moreover, I think my mom needs a helper to help with the cooking and more of her housework. So, I had decided to employ a second helper and I had wished that the second helper could click well with my mom. However, the arrangement would still be that the second helper would stay at my house because my parents like their privacy.

My first helper, Lani is from Phillipines. Initially, I wanted to get someone of a different nationality but decided otherwise. I told Lani to recommend one of her relatives to me on the condition that they could work well and the relative has a good heart.

After all the tedious paper work, Arlene is here. However, she is not really great, as in the complaints in my previous post. But, I don't want to give up on her because she is new. I want to give her a chance. I have not grasp her personality and I put all her bad behaviour to her being homesick. These have happened to my previous helpers before. When Lani was here, I didn't like her too. But we got used to each other after more than a year together. So, it would be very unfair for me to ask Arlene to leave when she is just here for 1 month. Moreover, Arlene and Lani seem fine at the moment and they communicate well with each other. I decide to let the situation remains as it is until a later time to review Arlene again. I am not someone to give up on others easily.

Today, my previous helper, Faina, from Indonesia called. She told me she wanted to return to work for us. I had told her before that if she wanted to come back, she can call me again.

Her call puts my mind in a state of turmoil. I just don't know how to handle this situation. My mom loves Faina to bits. My parents can communicate with Faina very well in malay. When Faina left for Indonesia, my mom cried so badly.

Faina had her bad habits (who doesn't?) but one thing about her is that she doesn't complain and she loves my kids very very much. So much that she treats my kids as her own. I have no problems leaving the kids with her because I know how sincere she was with the kids. When Joel was born, he was under the care of Fainah. Fainah was the one who woke up every 15-30 mins throughout the night to help me look after the colicky and crying Joel. When Joel drove me nuts with his endless cries, Fainah would handle him and feed him. She succeeded in looking after Joel and brings him up to be a very healthy and chubby baby who is emotionally secured, and I dare say Joel is not an easy baby to look after. She bonded very well with Joel and slept with Joel. Fainah has also gone through with us a lot of trials in life. She has seen us through difficulties and has stayed with us and supported us.

Fainah cared for my mom. She put up with my mom temperament and did all things according to what my mom wants. That's why I have never had any problems between my mom and her.

If I decide to have a 3rd baby, Fainah would be the most suitable helper to see me through. She is a light sleeper and she is able to withstand the hectic and hard life with a baby. I have no doubt of it because I had witness it myself. I don't think I can entrust a baby to Lani or Arlene. If a person can't wake up even when the alarm clock rings for 30 minutes, I don't see how she could wake up to the cries of a baby. Sometimes I even have to get up to wake Lani up because their alarm clock is too noisy. That is after 2 closed doors.

However, I cannot deny that Fainah has her own sets of problems. But honestly, who doesn't have problems with engagement of helpers? It is just the severity of it. I cannot deny that my Indonesian helper has always been a priority even way before I engage Arlene because of Fainah strong bond with the kids and her ability to withstand hardship.

What will happen if I ask Arlene to leave? What will happen if Fainah comes in and work with Lani? Both are seniors so wouldn't there be conflicts? Will Lani bear grudge against me for firing Arlene? What will Lani do?

Gosh, there are so much on my mind! I told Faina that I need to speak with the hubby regarding this. She said she would call me back 1-2 months later. That gives me sometime to think...

OSIM

Some time ago, I bought an OSIM iLife air purifier. The purifier works based on Hepa filter. We were told that the Hepa filter needs only to be changed at least a year later. This is a very crucial point because no point buying an air purifier that needs high maintenance.

This is what we bought.



When we bought this product and used it for merely a week, we already know that it is highly flawed. It is loud when switched on. There is no way that we could leave this inside the room when we sleep. On top of that, the air purifier has a light that will be switched on when the air purifier is operating. There is no option to switch off the light. Initially, we thought that the light could serve as a night light but it is simply too glaring. With the noise and the light, the air purifier has to be out of the room when we sleep which defeit the purpose of cleaning the air and ensuring a dust-free environment when our body is resting. I could treat all these bad points as oversight on our part. Afterall, we didn't check properly. But what I could not accept is that the air purifier gets choked up with dust after 3 months of usage, rendering the filter ineffective. To replace the filter, we need to pay more than a hundred dollars. If this goes on every 2-3 months, wouldn't this air purifier be very high maintenance?

OSIM claims that the air purifier needs to be replaced after about a year. This is far from reality. I cannot believe that my house is so dirty. My house is cleaned every day because of my son's allergic skin. There is no carpet or curtains to trap dust. There is no construction in my surrounding areas. So, is OSIM going to say that my house and my environment is 6 times dirtier than other parts of Singapore? Is OSIM going to claim that my area in the east is dirtier than industrial estates in the west?

We lodge a complaint with OSIM. They sent someone down to check and of course, they put the reason to the environment and the house. They said that what they had claimed is an average standard. Somehow, I find it very hard to swallow that my environment is so dirty. Having nothing to lose, I told hubby to fight to the end. What is the worst that can happen?

They decided to put a test machine in another unit in our housing estate. This time, they placed it far from the road at a high level unit. They monitored it for 1-2 months.

A few days ago, they called the hubby and admitted to the hubby that the test machine was choked up with dust in about 2-3 weeks. They put it to the environment but the hubby argued that if they claimed our environment is 6 times dirtier than the rest of Singapore, something must be very wrong and please issue us a letter so that we could submit to the minister to investigate the cause of the pollution in our area. They kept quiet.

My fair proposed solution to OSIM
1. Give us an air purifier that live up to its claim. I don't care how, I don't care what. I just want a machine that works and is bought for what I orginally intended for.

2. Refund us the money. So that we could buy another machine that works. They can take my old machine back. I don't bother.

The quality assurance manager told us that our OSIM has been used for quite long to which hubby rebuked that it is NOT that we have used for very long but they have taken a long time to investigate. We have reported the problem when we realized that our machine is choked up just 3 months after usage.

The manager was saying that perhaps we could consider another product such as OSIM iSqueeze.



As we have bought the OSIM iLIfe during a promotion at a discount, he proposed that we could top up the difference in cash to get the OSIM iSqueeze. Hubby refused and said that if he proposed the OSIM iSqueeze in exchange for OSIM iLife, we should not need to top up any difference in cash as the fault doesn't lie with us. We will only accept iSqueeze in exchange for iLife with no top up.

Frankly, I don't mind an iSqueeze. I have tried it before and find it quite nice and comfortable. I don't think I trust their air purifiers products or any hygiene products anymore so I would rather they exchange with me a health product instead, if refund of cash is not possible.

They haven't get back to us. I am thinking of our next course of action if they reject us.

Chocalates

I'm VERY down and out today. Hubby knows what I am going through. He is very nice to me. He surprises me with a box of bitter chocalates. He knows I like bitter chocalates and nothing too sweet. The chocalates are not cheap for he gets the sales lady to recommend the best bitter assortment in the shop for him. At other times, he wouldn't have bought this. He would just be contended with a bar of kit kat. He told me he can't bear to eat these chocalates he has bought for me and they will solely be for me.

He tries to cheer me up with this little gift he has splurge. Though I am still feeling very down, I'm very appreciative of what he has done for me and I take a picture of it and place it here in my blog.

What is death?

Often we don't think of death until our loved ones are hit by serious illness. That is what is happening to me. Death is far from my thoughts until I see my dad in a serious illness engulffed with pain. It just strikes me as what will happen if he dies? Is there life after death? I told myself that I shouldn't think of death. It is not right. As Chinese, it is superstitous to think of such thoughts. I would be cursing him.

Yet sometimes, when I walk pass funeral parlours, I am so saddened and wonder how I would react if my loved ones die. The thing about death is that nobody knows what will happen after death. Will they be pushed to hell like what I read from some of the books? Will they linger with us? Will they just disappear? Will they be tortured? Or will they have a better life? Will they be recanated? There are so many questions in my mind.

If only I know what is life after death, then probably my mind will be more at peace. Is living tougher than dying, or dying tougher than living? I have no answers and this will remain a fear in me.

I feel sorry for what I did

I think I have to keep my temper in check. I think I should just drop the issue of this overseas travelling. It's really such a small issue.

Just now I had a small outburst and I think I have upset my dad. My dad had said that he didn't want to go initially but he decided to go because my mom had wanted to go to KL. He was upset why I felt the way I did.

My mom called me and told me not to upset my dad anymore. She said that he is currently sustaining with painkillers from the doctor. He had gone to the doctor because his stomach hurts a great deal. Because he has refused to go to for scanning or x-ray, there is nothing much the doctor can do for him. The doctor gave him strong painkillers and told him that if the pain "exceeded" what the painkillers could do, there is nothing much she can do for him anymore.

Upon hearing this, my anger just resolve totally. How could I allow this petty issue to be blown up? If my parents want to travel, I should have supported them instead of behaving like a spoilt brat and throw my tantrum. I think I must be NUTS!

Now, I have upset my dad and I feel so sorry for it. I just hate myself from behaving so irrationaly!!!

Disappointed

Some of you who have read my blog would have known that it is my dream to bring my parents for an overseas trip.

Sometime ago, my brother asked us whether we want to go to Malaysia for a short vacation with my parents and uncle. I told them that I can only go during the friday and weekends due to my business. There is no way I could go during weekdays.

My brother refused to compromise the dates with me. He chose to go during weekdays and went ahead with the booking. Obviously I won't give way. Why should I? There is no reason why I ALWAYS have to give way to compromise with his dates. He psycho my uncle to go during his prefered dates.

Initially, my parents didn't want to go with them. I told my parents, not to worry, even if we didn't go this time, I would find another date to bring them to KL or Thailand. But yesterday they decided to go with my brother. To a place that doesn't interest them - Genting. There is nothing in store for my parents in Genting. So, I can never understand why they want to be there.

I'm really disappointed now. How many times have I asked my parents to join us in overseas vacation and they have rejected us?? Now, they have agreed to go with my brother. No, I am not jealous. I am just sorely disappointed. I am angry with my brother for always playing out on us and for demanding that we compromise with them and I am also angry with my parents for going along with them. They know that my brother posed us a difficult situation. Yes, my parents keep persuading us to go but we really can't go just like that and leave the business aside.

So, my decision, I will still go for the trip, on OUR OWN. I don't need anyone of them to make this trip happen. Gosh! I don't know what I am trying to prove. But I am just freaking pissed with everyone. I have told the hubby to go ahead with the booking to KL. I am just SO DISAPPOINTED.

Annoyed with helper

I spent close to 2 hours speaking to the new helper, Arlene yesterday. There are a few areas I need her to improve and to change. I believe in communication and that's why I always communicate with my helpers whenever there are areas that I am not happy with and needs improvement.

The few areas that I am not too happy with her are:

1. Her attitude. She is by nature argumentative and defiant. I can take her character in my stride but not my mother. My mother was trying desperately to teach Arlene the right way in cooking when Arlene heard a music over the radio and told my mother to DANCE and kinda brushed her off. That is very rude. My mother couldn't take it. My mother remained moody when I went to her house and hinted to me that she didn't want the helper to help her anymore.

2. Arlene is very lazy. She always need to find chair to sit down even if it means my mother was busily clearing housework. Arlene would just sit down on the chair and watched my mother. Arlene always complained of aches. And it is not uncommon for her to sigh (loudly) in the midst of her housework. She would run out of the kitchen if it gets too smoky.

3. She appears very pampered when she was in her hometown. I realize that when she was back home, the housework was mostly settled by her husband and she rarely needs to cook. She sleeps late and wakes up late too. Why she sleeps late is because she watches too much TV programmes.

4. She doesn't make any attempt to be close to my kids. She always hide herself in her room and stay that way. When I encourage her to involve in activities with the kids, she will always tell me that my kids reminds her of her own kids and her sadness. So, she keeps to herself away from my kids. Though I try to emphatise, I find it very hard to accept the fact that she is not going to be involved with my kids because of her unresolved problem. I suggest to her ways to tackle her problems. But she seems pretty stubborn in her thoughts.

5. Her cooking sucks and for the sake of the health of my family, I keep reminding her to use less oil. On top of that, not many of us can stomach her cooking. She doesn't show ways to try to improve eventhough I bought her many recipe books. It's forever the same dishes. Cooking is one of her duties. She is here to help my mom to cook to lessen my mom's burden since my mom's joints hurt terribly and my mom has been warned by the physician to stop all cooking or her condition will get worse. I have seen other helpers trying to improve themsleves by trial and error or by learning from others. But not Arlene. I have no problems with helpers who do not know how to cook as long as they are willing to learn, but I find it hard to tolerate a helper who doesn't even make any attempt to learn. My mom has once again, resume her cooking, even against my wishes. She told me that she has no choice because my father can't eat the food that Arlene cooks. It's like wasting all the money we use to buy fish, vegetables and meat to cook something that is not edible.

6. I asked her to sleep in my kids' toy room. She refused to. Even until now, she still doesn't want to shift into that room, prefering to choose her prefered location.

Hubby and I spoke to Arlene yesterday for almost 2 hours. We try to motivate her, highlight to her areas she need to improve in and told her that we would always be there for her. We told her about my mom, that Arlene needs to show her respect and she has to try to learn from my mom with regards to management of housework and cooking. Afterall, my mother has been cooking since she was a young girl. She couldn't be too wrong in her housework management too. I told Arlene to respect the elderly. That she shouldn't be so defensive and talked back to my mother. If she has any problems with my mother, she should let me know and let me resolve. She shouldn't confront my mother because not all elderly can take such rudeness.

I told her not to lose her focus, the ultimate aim that she is here which is to provide her family and children with a better future. It is always easy for us to replace helpers but she is the one that has all to lose. I told her that there is no such things as "because my facial expression is like that, there is nothing I can do about it". I told her wherever we go to work, we have to react to situations and change accordingly. We don't expect employers to accomodate to us. Even if I were to go out to work, I have to change my bad habits so that it would not pose too much of inconvenience to my employers or immediate superiors.

She promised that she would change. She promised that she would be more involved with the kids. She promised us alot of things.

This morning, she is back to her old self. She hide herself in the room and leave the kids on their own. Even when Joel was screaming for help, she remained indifferent. Why do I spent a bloody 2 hours talking to a rock?? It's wasting my bloody time! I am not going to talk to her anymore. I have spoken to her whatever I need to say. If she remains the way she is without any signs of changing, she would return to her home 6 months later.

I cook today

I cannot resist to blog about this. I finally cooked a meal today on my own and how nice that have tasted.

I am not a good cook. But I am health consious when I cook. I use alittle oil and I don't normally overcooked my food. MSG is totally out.

I did my cooking today since I had a little time to spare. And I find my cooking so edible! In fact I missed the way I cooked my food. I have been so used to oily and salty food that my body has somewhat get used to it. It's just like such food has become part and parcel of my life and my body just told my brain that it's ok.

I tried my non-oily cooking today and I find it very refreshing. In fact I could finish my whole dish of vegetables and lean chicken slices if not for the people who have not eaten. The hubby also seemed much able to swallow the food. I think he would have easily finished the dishes too.

If only I have the time, I would have cooked more often. I love cooking by the way. I guess I just have to keep reminding my helper to reduce her oil and hope that she would listen.

PC under maintenance

My PC is under "maintenance" by the hubby. He is doing some networking of PCs in the house. I am currently using a standby old PC. Funny thing is, I cannot see the full graphics in my blog. I also can't see my message board. It just disappears with the use of this old PC. There are things I want to blog about but I just can't get used to this stupid keyboard. My PC should be up and running by tomorrow. I'll just do my blogging tomorrow then.

I'm touched

I just have to blog about this as I feel that the hubby is so sweet.

This evening, I had to follow my mom to her relative's daughter wedding banquet. I drove her there.

I have to admit that I drive fairly well but my parking sucks especially in multi-storey carparks. This is because during family outings, hubby is always with us and when he is around, I rarely need to drive. Naturally when he drives to shopping malls or any places, he would be the one to park.

This evening, I was all alone and I was supposed to park in a narrow hotel basement multi-storey carpark. I thought I would be fine. But the structure of the carpark worries me. It was very narrow and the slope was very steep. What's worse, I was supposed to stop in the middle of the steep slope and punch in my card. It wouldn't pose a problem if I drive an auto car, but mine is a manual and skills count, but my skill on a slope sucks!

I did finally parked my vehicle though I nearly, almost, knocked into the car beside me. When I was seated at the dinner, hubby called and I related to him my experience and told him I was worried that I would knock the vehicle and embarassed myself after dinner since everyone would be driving out of the carpark and there would be a queue on the slope.

What surprise me is that hubby took a cab and came to the hotel just so to drive the vehicle out of the carpark for me! In order not to embarrase me in front of my relatives who were waiting at the hotel lobby, he said he would make himself "disappear" after he drove the vehicle out of the carpark. He told me he hates to see me in distress and he would help drive out the vehicle just so that I have some "face" and won't embarrassed myself. He knows how proud a person I am.

I was shocked but was very touched by his intentions and thoughts. I mean, he has so much work waiting to be completed at home and he was half way through networking our PCs. He just put all his work aside and came to help me without a word. Of course, I won't ditch him after he helped me drive out the vehicle. He would follow me back no matter what others think. Whatever he has done is enough to show me how much he cares for me and I no longer bother how others will view me. Go ahead and think of me as a bad driver. At that moment, I just want to tell the whole world how great my husband is and that is all that matters to me.

There are alot of things about hubby that irritates the hell out of me and I did complain much about him. But I know that he remains the very sweet and sensitive guy I have married all these years. He never fails to express his little ways of caring and pampering me even after a decade together. To him, I am his everything. I feel so blessed to have chosen him as the one to be my life companion.

Nice Hubby

Today, hubby is nice and it makes me feel good.

I am sick today and I feel really miserable in the morning. In fact, I was ranting at him for coming out with a "stupid" system for our business. It isn't really stupid but because I was unwell, everything didn't seem right to me.

To my surprise, hubby applied for half day leave and came back home to "take care of me". He drove the kids back from school and was helpful to ease my work load. He was also patient when I was nasty and uncooperative.

Now, I am feeling better after a long sleep. I thought I couldn't rest at all due to my work but I manage to rest and sleep in the afternoon. He also settled a few other stuffs for me, those things that I forever put off to tomorrow.

I hope his temperament will remain well. When he feels good, I feel good too.

MSG

During my last business trip, I bought some tamarind sauces from overseas. Attached with the tamarind sauce are packets of free chicken/vegetable stock MSG. I didn't bother with it and forgot about the MSG.

I asked my helper to cook vegetables today. I happened to go to the kitchen when she was stir frying the vegetables. I caught her pouring the MSG into the vegetables!

It is not by spoonful that she scoop into the vegetables. It is by POURING the packet in! OMG!

In the first place, I do not permit MSG into my food. I think it is VERY unhealthy to add MSG. In the first place, if the cooking is good, there is no need for MSG at all.

Gosh! Besides throwing away the MSG, what am I going to do with her? Stop her from cooking and I take over the cooking? But I don't have time to cook! I don't even have time for the kids. I tried buying her recipe books but she also doesn't use them. How?

Falling sick...

I lost count over the number of times I have sneeze. I have a big headache and my eyes feel so heavy. My nose feels stuffy and painful because I have rub it too hard with tissue papers. My body feels like it is tearing apart.

Gosh! I am going to be very sick and I hate it!

Fringe-less

Today, I brought Justin and Joel for hair cut. My fringe is rather long and it irritates my eyes. So, I was thinking I may as well let the hair stylist trim my fringe since I was already at the salon. Moreover I am attending a wedding dinner with my mom this weekend and I think I look really ugly with my messy long fringe.

The hairstylist snipped off a huge portion of my fringe. I thought it was still long so I told her, snip somemore, somemore and somemore. Before I realize it, I have almost no fringe left. I was shocked but who to blame but myself :(

Hubby looked at me and the first thing he did is to shake his head. He told me it's ugly. This is not the first time I make a mess out of my hair :(

Now, I look like a fool with no fringe.

Vacation in June?

Yesterday, my sister-in-law called me. She asked me whether we want to go to Malaysia this school holiday. They have plans to go to KL for a short 3 days 2 nights holiday and asked me whether we want to join them. Together with my uncle's family and parents.

To be frank, I am very reluctant to go. I am getting pretty sick of travelling and even if I have time, I would rather the family stayed together in Singapore to spend some quality time. I mean, we do not need to travel to enjoy time together. Furthermore, my priority now is to save. With the amount of money we pump into our stock, I'm already finding it very hard to save. There is Justin and Joel school fees, our road tax end of the year, our car insurance etc etc. All these would come out to be thousands of dollars. If I were to agree to go for this trip, I would be set back by at least $2000 excluding expenses over there. Then, there is the crowd that I have to consider during school holidays. Is it worth it afterall?

However, it is my dream to bring my parents for an overseas trip. I have wanted to bring them to China but my dad has flatly refused because he said it would be too expensive and he doesn't want me to spend this kind of money. So, my dream has remained unfullfilled. I know my parents would agree to this trip since my uncle and my brother are all going. So, the question remains whether I should go and take this trip as part of fullfilling my dream to bring my parents for a trip.

Most likely, I would choose to go even against my will. I don't want to live to regret. I just want to spend as much time with my dad as possible. Life is so unpredictable that I would never know whether I or he would still be alive tomorrow. Money can always be earned but time spent with the loved ones is priceless.

I have never enjoyed going out with my brother's family. But maybe I should just bear with it and think positively. As long as my parents are happy, I guess that's all that matters. I am very glad to have a husband that understands and supports me eventhough he dislikes my brother and his wife. Hubby has always encouraged me not to live my life in regrets especially when it comes to my parents because he knows how important my parents are to me. Sometimes, when I just want to go out with kids and him without my parents, he would always remind me that I would never regret spending time with my parents when they are alive. I am always grateful to my hubby for that.