Inner Thoughts

Ending my current blog

2005-10-15T15:20:00.000+08:00

After much thoughts, and with much sadness, I have decided to end this blog account and continue my entries in another new account.

I have my reasons to do so.

It doesn't feel good especially I have spent so much time and feelings in this blog. But it is something I need to do.

I won't publish my new blog address here, for a reason too. For my blog friends out there, or those who have been reading my blog and would like to continue to do so, please drop me an email at jusjoe@hotmail.com for my new address.

Thanks for always being there.

Elaine

Idiosyncrasies

2005-10-15T00:04:00.000+08:00

Tagged by Jin,I must post 5 idiosyncrasies of mine and write about them.

1. I am an optimist. In the most adverse situation, I will still think of the bright side of situation. Even if I failed, I believe it is for a reason. I rarely let failures get me down. Life goes on for me no matter how beaten I am.

2. I am determined. When I want to do something, I will make sure I achieve it. I don't lose sight of my goal. But when I am determined not to do something, no amount of persuasion will sway my decision.

3. I am proud and sometimes arrogant. When I think I am right, I am right. I don't apologise even when I am wrong. I don't back down easily. I am downright stubborn.

4. I am realistic and logical. I am not a dreamer. I am able to see an issue in different angles most of the times. I will stand up for the weak and I have no qualms in putting you down if you step on my toes.

5. I don't forget debts. If someone helps me and I accept, I will return double of what that person has given me. Due to this characteristic of mine, I don't usually ask for favours or help, or to accept them. I believe in self-sustaining and solving my own problems. I'm happy to say that in my life, I don't owe anyone anything, besides my parents and a family friend.

I don't have many people to tag. I could only think of Aishah and the hubby.

2005-10-13T23:54:00.000+08:00

I did NO wrongs to anyone. My conscience is clear. I have no regrets in whatever actions I had/have and will be taking. I have no regrets in the words I said.

I stand firm on my ground. You can try any stance you want, you can say anything you want, but you will never ever get to hurt the ME I am so proud of.

Nobody will EVER crush the pride that I hold firmly within myself.

I hold my head up high, in the past, now and in the future.

I WILL SURVIVE! I WILL FIGHT!

Just a note

2005-10-13T01:13:00.000+08:00

A lot of emotional turmoil is happening in my house recently.

Lani has been handed over the police, charges has been pressed and would going for sentencing soon. Before any sentence is passed, I cannot blog about it.

The last few days were like a roller coaster ride. The family went through an emotional turmoil. Justin and Joel were also affected. Joel was affected the most.

How I feel right now?

I feel thoroughly betrayed and dissapointed. I'm sorry to say that I have lost my faith in Philippino maids. All of them gave me tremendous problems and horrors.

Hubby and I have decided NOT to have 2 maids anymore. We'll stick with one maid.

I'm tired. Will blog more tomorrow. Goodnight.

A poem for myself

2005-10-11T00:29:00.000+08:00

I need this....

DON'T QUIT
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
when the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
when the funds are low and the debts are high,
and you want to smile but you have to sigh,
when care is pressing you down a bit -
rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns.
As everyone of us sometimes learns.
And many a fellow turns about
when he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
you may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
it seems to a faint and faltering man;
often the struggler has given up
when he might have captured the victor's cup;
and he learned too late when the night came down,
how close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out -
the silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
and when you never can tell how close you are,
it may be near when it seems afar;
so stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
it's when things seem worst,
you must not quit.

Justin's graduation ceremony

2005-10-08T21:10:00.000+08:00

I fault Kinderland in alot of areas. But if there is one thing that I think they did absolutely great and marvellous, it will be their graduation ceremony.

It is such a wonderful event. Everything were just splendid! The planning was almost perfection and this could only be achieved through many years of experience. Any possible problems that we thought could happen were being taken care of.

The event bring us to a high many times. I feel so emotional and I believe many parents there felt the same way as I do, through the school's careful planning. There were many moments when tears welled up in my eyes when I see my baby all grown up. I am so proud of him.

The whole event was "run by" K2 students. The MCs were the students and the school had several kids MCs for different segments so as to ensure a wider exposure for the students. Besides the principal who gave the opening speech, there were no boring adults on the stage throughout this graduation ceremony. The kids introduced events and gave thank you speeches. They did a wonderful job!

The first event that came out was to show the music talent that the kids acquire during their years of schooling in Kinderland. Kinderland is afflicted with Yamaha Music School and music has always been Kinderland's strength. In their ciricumlum, music (playing instruments) is one of the topics. On the stage, all the K2 kids played different musical instrument including the organ. It was quite impressive!

For the stage performance, the theme is fairy tales. Each class will come out with a performance. There are Aladdin, Snow White and the dwarfs, Under the Sea etc etc. Justin was performing "Under the Sea" and was one of the fishes.

After the performance, it was their graduation ceremony. They wore the graduation suit as they walked out to receive the cert from the principal.

Upon the closing of the ceremony and concert, the school again bring us all to a high by bringing all the kids up on stage to dance and sing a very cheery and inspirational song. In the midst of the song, all the kids slowly marched down the stage and surronded us parents, holding hand-in-hand and sang! They were so "adult-like"but came with such sweet innocent voice! That moved us parents so much! I was again, almost in tears and I'm sure most moms were in tears too. The hubby was smiling and looking at the kids with adoration.

The concert ended with the kids jumping with happiness!

I have to give Kinderland credit for such a well thought-out graduation.

There is a short video clip of Justin receiving his graduation cert from the principal. Click on the link to watch. Please be patient as it is a large file. The entire clip will take sometime to download. There is also another video clip of Justin's splendid performance. The file is too huge and I'm trying to figure out how to make it smaller before I upload it for all to view.

http://ttls.multiply.com/video

Will we Win?

2005-10-07T17:38:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow, the Singapore Postal Office is inviting us for a dinner held at their premise.

What is so special about this event is that they have shortlisted (base on their dunno-what criterias) 200 participants to attend this dinner. This is out of tens of thousands of people.

We are one of the bigger spenders in Singapore Post and that makes me wonder whether it is the reason why we are selected? LOL

Anyway, eating dinner is nothing to rave about. But what is more exciting is the lucky draw prizes that they are giving out during the dinner. The grand prize is a MPV!!!

One of the 200 diners will get it! I hope we are the one!!! I mean, they have already shortlisted from tens of thousands participants to 200 people. The hubby is one of the 200 people! Chances is higher! They will do the draw to be witnessed by us.

Will we walk away with the grand prize? I don't know. We don't usually have luck in lucky draws but I hope so much that we will win! We could do so much if we win this grand prize. And it will certainly offer us hope for the future during this period of uncertainty.

Good Luck to us! And praying that we will win!

Does my son deserves any less?

2005-10-07T17:09:00.000+08:00

Justin is having his graduation ceremony tomorrow. It is a graduation cum concert held for all K2 students from kinderland.

Joel was pulled out of Kinderland since Sep this year. I do not like the management of the school and how profiteering they are. That is the reason why I pulled Joel out since Joel was still in nursery. Justin, on the other hand, is already in K2 and graduating this year. Therefore, I want him to complete his school term and graduate from Kinderland.

I know that when we pulled Joel out, the management and the teachers were looking at us differently. They thought we had no money to pay, and used "dissatisfaction with management" as an excuse. One teacher even commented that we could find a PAP to put Joel in.

What's more, we are not driving a Lexus or BMW. We just own a "pathetic" euro van which we used to fetch the kids to and fro school, and for our personal use. We are not the flashy kind and find no need to splurge on a car when we could use our company to register and buy a van that runs on the cheaper diesel. Wouldn't it be better that money is kept in the bank than spent on a car that reaps no return? Car and van serve the same purpose on bringing us from point A to point B. So why bother to pay so much more for the maintenance of a car?

I know, the teachers do not look quite well upon us. Afterall, Justin's classmates APPEARS to be richer than us. Fine, it doesn't bother me.

But I am beginning to feel the pinch now, as a mother. For this concert, Justin got one of the most insignificant role with a pathetic costume that resembles a gigglo. When I look at other students, they were all so bright and cheery with their elaborate costumes. Justin just got a singlet and a super tight shorts. Why? WHY?

Justin is introverted, I know. But does he deserves any less? Does he deserve to be despise? Why should he be deprived of a chance to perform, to shine, just like other kids? I pay the same school fees as any other children, and paid on time too. I have never once give any problems to the teachers, always co-operating with them. So, why should my son be different from the rest?

Justin and Joel are very different in their personality. Joel shines in any situation. With his charm, he can get away easily with anything and wins the heart of almost anyone. Justin is on the losing end. He is quieter and more shy. Nonetheless, he is still as charming with his sweet demeanor. He does what he is being told and is co-operative in any sense.

I am their mother and I try to love them as much as I can. Joel is never short of love and attention and everyone seems to be more tolerant of Joel, including my parents. Justin is the one who never seems to win favour from others, besides Jin.

Maybe I have made the mistake of putting Justin in a branded school... Showing off is never in my blood.

Malay Food

2005-10-06T00:04:00.000+08:00

It is Ramadhan, and Muslims all over the world are fasting for a month. I am not a Muslim and honestly, I don't know much about the occasion.

During this month, my neighbourhood will have a super big bazzar (pasar malam) with lots of interesting things to see and buy, and of course delicious food. I often visit the bazaar for food. There are Ramly burgers, bbq chicken wings, chips, kuehs.... and lots of authentic malay food! I love them all, except beef and mutton of course. The food are not cheap though but I think it's understandable since the rental of the stalls are expensive. Just yesterday, hubby and I bought 3 Roti Boyan for $9. I don't know what you called Roti Boyan in english but it's a very nice crispy tart with mashed potatoes inside to be dipped in a special chilli sauce. Mmmmm.. simply delicious! Then we also bought Putu Piring. A sort of rice cake with fragrant coconut sugar inside. My helpers and us have a feast, and we had ice-kachang and ice-jelly cocktail too. I try to pamper Pony alittle since I reckon that it's hard for her to be away from home during this joyous occasion.

Today, I bought lots of kuehs home. I guess I am going to put on weight during this festive season! Now, I am hoping that Aishah will invite me (and hubby, and Jin and Justin, and Joel, and Boo and Miracle) over for another feast during Hari Raya. LOL!

Asshole Brother

2005-10-05T11:09:00.000+08:00

I just want to bitch about this asshole brother of mine. He is my second brother and truely a good-for-nothing. He has never been a good brother to me since I was young. He always bullied me and hit me, and I hated him. I still remember how I was being hit and scolded vulgarity (the worst form that anyone could imagine!) for leaving my cup on the table or dropping a piece of food on the floor!

I grow up with no affection towards him. I mean, I respect my eldest brother much more than my second brother. Eventhough my eldest brother is also in a sorry state now, I always look upon the fact that he was always protecting me from the evil deed done by my second brother when I was young.

When has it become that the asshole financial affair become the problem of ours? He had been a failure in life and still IS. Many years ago, he used the name of my dad to apply for a mobile phone line, didn't pay and owed a substantial sum of money. So much that the debt collection agency nearly sued my dad to the court. The hubby intervened in time and my dad hit the roof. He was so worked up that, the very night, his stomach bled.

Seeing that my dad is suffering from serious medical problems, and couldn't take much stress, the hubby intervened on his behalf. He spoke to numerous people, asked for leniancy, reduce penalty, request for installment plans for that asshole to pay up. Asshole promised to pay. Hubby even told asshole to please keep to his words because my dad couldn't take any blows anymore. He sweared that he would pay.

Knowing how that asshole is like, we know that there is a high chance that he would default payment since the name was not under his. To prevent any chance that the debt collector would chase after my dad, hubby secretly arrange for the debt collector to call us as a last resort and not to harass my dad due to his medical condition.

My dad agreed to let him use his name to apply for mobile because he came out with cock-and-bull stories that he needed the line for his job. My dad realized now that it was a bunch of bullshit and regretted letting him use his name! But it is too late now because he has chalked up thousands of dollars on the mobile line using my dad’s name.

Obviously, asshole doesn't have a conscience even when he knows my dad is not able to take any blows. He defaulted payment, giving empty promises. Not only that, he cut off his phone line (under his name) and conveniently direct all bloody debt collection calls to hubby! And let hubby handles all his freaking affair!

What kind of son he is to do that to his father! My dad loves him so much. Does he want to drive my dad to his grave? Most probably he will. He is my dad’s bad karma. He is here in this life to create havoc to the family.

He was once a bankrupt. My dad has helped him settle his bills before, even those with loan sharks. He has a wife who is a spendtriff and doesn’t think before she splurge on branded items. When things got bad, she asked him to go to his dad. She is also another asshole. Her parents have long since disown her.

Honestly, I won’t help him if this issue has no association with my dad. I cannot see that my dad is sent to court with me doing nothing. I love my dad dearly and I won’t let him reach this stage. Ultimately, it is my dad who is held responsible for the asshole shit, not that asshole. And that asshole is taking things very lightly now since the bill is not under his name!

My dad still doesn’t know our involvement in this, and that the asshole is defaulting payments . Not that I don’t want to let him know, but I don’t want this revelation to kick start his severe stomach pain and high blood pressure.

That asshole has been a failure throughout his life. He has never once stayed in a job for more than 6 months to earn a decent living for his family. He stole from my dad and has always been a trouble maker. He is getting his retribution because his daughter is following in his footstep and has been shoplifting.

I have no sympathy for him. I will never forget the nasty things he did to me. If my childhood is being tarnished by a flaw, it will be him. I have 2 brothers. No matter what happen, I will still spare a thought for my eldest brother because he doted on me. I am grateful to my eldest brother for always protecting me when I was young. Till today, I still call my eldest brother “da ge” (eldest brother in chinese). For that asshole, I have never once refered him as my brother. I only called him his name. Actually, a better name for him would be “asshole”.

I am married now and no longer has to live in the shadow of this asshole. I have hubby to protect me and asshole will never have a chance to scold vulgarity or hit me again. Yes, I still have ugly images of him brought on by his constant abuses during my childhood, and in my heart, there is always fear and vulnerability eventhough I know I have every means to protect myself. Asshole is no longer nasty to me. Still, in this area, I feel vulnerable enough to need hubby to shield me.

Note to Jin
This brother I am referring to is the one who commented you were a pretty lady during Joel's 3rd birthday celebration.

Music

2005-10-05T00:05:00.000+08:00

Music has a way to touch my soul that nothing else can. I used to listen to alot of songs and music during my younger days. But now, I listen to less songs and music. But it doesn't mean that I love music any less. It is just that I have less time to indulge in this interest of mine. I do however switch on the radio when I work. I cannot work without some music in the background.

I don't know how to explain that perculiar feeling that I am often overwhelmed with when I listen to songs or music. It seems to go right to my soul and touches something deep within. I can be so absorbed in it that time, place, people are no longer of importance to me.

In my house, the hubby has invested in a good sound system for me, which I seldom use. But if I do use it, I will be transported to a world of my own where nothing else matter but my music. When I am absorbed in my music, I do not want any disturbance. I just need to be alone and I don't want anyone, including the kids, to talk to me.

That is also the reason why I love piano so much. From young, I had wanted to learn how to play the piano. I was poor and my parents couldn't afford the lessons and a piano for me. Now that I can afford the lessons, I am beginning to doubt my competency due to my age. I don't know... I just feel that I can no longer do it and that my bones are too stiff for the piano. There are certain things which I am confident of, and there are certain things which I am not confident of.

Falling Sick

2005-10-04T00:02:00.000+08:00

I think I am going to fall sick soon.

I guess everything that is happening around me is taking a toll on my health. Lani, Pony, overseas trip and work. My body is aching and my throat feels funny. So I guess I am going to be down with either the cold (mild) or the flu (severe).

I didn't know having 2 helpers could be so streneous. Lani has her set of problems. Pony has her set of problems too. The thing about Pony is that I cannot grasp her character at the moment and I feel kinda stressed trying to figure out who is she and what is she like. I am just concern that hiding behind that simple facade is a complicated and scheming woman. It's hard to tell at the moment. Until I figure out what is she like, I am not going to let my defence down.

Lani is simple to figure out but she is damn irritating. And that makes me mad too. Sometimes she tries to show her "ownership" of Justin and Joel by making the boys so close to her. She thinks that by making Justin and Joel loves her so much and neglecting me (their Mommy) could show her superiority over me and make her indispensible. Hubby said she is so stupid to do so. Because it won't make me treausre her more. It makes me pissed because I never like to be challenged in such kind of situations. And I HATE my sons to go through that kind of roller coaster ride when their feelings are being manipulated. She brings them to a high and drop them to a low. My sons are mine no matter what. Whatever she does will not change the fact that I am still their mommy. Nobody will alienate them from me and no one should even try.

Hubby, having more time around at home, is beginning to see the problems that I am facing everyday. He is getting more and more mad with Lani and Pony. In fact, I am the one who console him that what is happening everyday is a "norm" and he should not take things to heart, for the sake of himself. The problems with them is never-ending. When you find that you have resolved an issue, another crop up. One of them will surely make you pissed. It could be Lani or Pony. So it's better to adopt that "see no evil, hear no evil" attitude with them.

Maids, maids... if I can do without them, I would gladly drop them.

Hubby's Blog

2005-10-03T01:19:00.000+08:00

My dear hubby has finally come out with his blog! That is after months of procastination!

http://somehowIwish.blogspot.com/

We are both goon when it comes to blogging. He asked me why isn't there a shoutbox for him. I told him I don't know. Jin did everything for me including the button. I just come in and write entries, that's all.

So do whatever you want with the web address. If you want to link him to yours, go ahead.

Air flights driving me to tears

2005-10-03T00:45:00.000+08:00

Every trip overseas would usually drive me to tears. Twice actually. To and fro the air flight.

I have a very big problem with air pressure. I have severe sinus problem. That probably leads to an imbalance in my head. No matter what I do, no matter what medication/precaution I take, I still cannot avoid the splitting headache everytime the plane lands.

I have been to the doctor who prescibe me with the strongest prescription painkiller. Sometimes I even double the dosage. I use nasal spray to unblock whatever inbalance in my head. But still, the pain was so overwhelming that it never fails to drive me to tears. The pain was so bad that I felt as if I was dying. I felt like my head was going to break into half. And for that half an hour or so, my tears would flow freely.

Hubby is very stressed with my condition. When he saw that I started grabbing my head and my face starts turning red, he would immediately be on "high alert". When the tears came, he would quickly massage my head, all the way until the plane lands. Then he would feel bad for not being able to help his wife who is in intense pain. The flight stewardess would often come up to me and asked if I need help (that is how bad I appear to others in the flight).

After the intense pain, and when the plane landed, my head no longer felt the same as before. It felt all sore inside and I would either continue to feel sore, or it may kick start my migraine. And my whole day would be destroyed!

Sigh... what to do? I still have to travel. For regular bigger planes, hubby could request for a front seat (less pressure) for us. But when it comes to budget flights, somehow service staff there are more unsympathetic. When hubby request for front seats due to my medical condition, somehow they gave us an expression that we were lying and we were just being kiasu and use my medical condition as an excuse. God Damn It! I don't mind back seats if I can take the pressure. Problem is, I can't. It is truely my freaking pain that is causing me hell that I needed a front seat. I am not spared the pain even when I am seated at the front but at least, I won't reach a stage when the pain was so bad that I wish to die.

I still prefer budget flights due to its good flight schedules. And I will still be travelling frequently. Until I find a solution, I just have to grit my teeth and bear with the pain. Honestly, the kind of pain I experience is no joke.

Bored......

2005-10-02T00:36:00.000+08:00

Today, I have nothing to write about. It is another uneventful day for us. Initally, we had planned to bring the kids out. But we were too lazy and therefore decided to stay home and ordered pizza. I was even too lazy to cook! So, we had a simple meal of pizza, cream of mushroom soup and corn. Nowadays, eversince hubby is involved in the business and officially off work, weekends no longer mean much to us. We would much prefer to go out during the weekdays due to less crowd.

Tomorrow is a sunday and again, I expect it to be another uneventful day for us, besides bringing the kids for their swimming lesson and me cooking a decent meal tomorrow night. Good thing is, I am looking forward to my cooked food. It is a break from Pony's cooking for all of us.

*yawn*. Off to bed now.

Working for reward

2005-09-30T22:58:00.000+08:00

Sometime ago, I read in a forum about how a mom teaches her son the value of money by rewarding her son with money for household chores done. This is so that he could save enough money to buy himself a toy that he fancies.

I strongly disagree with this way of reward. I thought keeping the house neat and tidy is the duty of every one staying in the house? If I were to pay my sons for every household chores done, I could just imagine if I fall sick and ask Justin and Joel for help. They would come up to me and asked me, "so mommy, how much are you paying me for washing the dishes?". This is not how I want my sons to be.

I don't believe in rewarding money for obedience too. Yes, they have to learn that money doesn't fall from the sky, but I believe in better ways for them to learn. One such way is through savings from their pocket money.

Hubby and I have derive a way to let Justin and Joel earn their rewards. We don't reward them with money. Hubby made a chart for them to earn stamps. As we are involved in our own business, it is easy for us to find work for them to do. Simple chores that is directly involved with our business. For every assigment that is completed, they would earn a stamp. Every 4 stamps would earn them a reward (not money). The assignments are simple for them but is time consuming. So far, Justin and Joel have been very motivated to earn their stamps. They have been working for hours. And when they get what they earn for, they seems to treasure their stuff more.

Interesting Encounter - No 2

2005-09-29T23:27:00.000+08:00

Some time ago, hubby and I used to deal with a supplier whom I believe is involved in the supernatural stuff. I used to see food being offered at a secluded corner at certain times of the day. There were also alot of "Gods" that she prayed to.

There was once hubby and I were really ill in luck. That was when we stayed in a haunted hotel and we were badly disturbed. I wrote about this incident some time ago. At that time, I believe our luck was so low that we somehow offended the "God" in her shop. Hubby accidentally pulled down an idol that they prayed to. Alot of things happened after that. Even when we were back home in Singapore, we were not spared.

Somehow after that, our business decision is to cut off ties with this supplier. We didn't want to be involved in this "entanglement". It takes some settling down. But our business went more smoothly after that. I don't want to think too much out of this thing.

Recently, the pull to get back to this supplier grows stronger and stronger. There were alot of times I was tempted to go back to her. Thoughts of her became more frequent. Even our hotel choice became nearer to her shop. We used to promise ourselves that we would try to avoid that "area" or anywhere near the vicinity. That was why we chose another expensive hotel in a different area eventhough it means we had to pay more for the hotel price. We felt that it was worth it because we didn't want to step on "her" toes again or to be associated with her in any way. Recently though, we seemed to become more attracted to that area.

Our last recent trip, we stayed in the hotel in the vicinity. During our stroll and shopping, we somehow walked towards her shop direction. I guess at that point of time, hubby and I did want to go to her area and I even thougt of going to her shop to buy stock from her since we were so near! Then suddenly, hubby told me, "lets go back!". I think he suspected something was wrong and told me to turn back to our hotel and not walked any further. I was reluctant but I followed him. He has an instint which I know I cannot ignore.

The "attraction" was so strange. It was like a force driving us towards that area. I wonder what would happen if we decided to resume our business with her, or to go near to her area. I shudder at the thought, of the repercussion.

It is not easy to do business at the place where I do. Besides prices, there are so much considerations, so much concerns. One has to be very strong in the will power and must not be timid. Most of the times, I am pretty sure what I want but I am cowardly when it comes to anything supernatural. Together with my superd imagination, those are my losing points. Plus when it comes to this particular supplier, I think my willpower not to patronise her shop is still not firm yet because her products still carry some selling point. The thing is, if you consider the possible repercussion, it is not worth it for us to earn that amount of profit I can derive from selling her products. The repercussion may be too much for us to bear. I have to work on that willpower! Hubby is not that affected because when it comes to deciding what stock to buy, the decision mainly lies on me due to my experience.

As for hubby, he is alright but sometimes, his mouth react faster than his brain and he does get himself into unneccesary trouble with the words he said, unknowingly.

Interesting Encounter - No 1

2005-09-29T00:52:00.000+08:00

Usually when I come back, there is bound to be some stange or interesting encounters to relate. Today is no exception.

It is not the hotel this time. I was too exhuasted to notice or observe things when I was in the hotel anyway, since I am having my menses and was dead tired!

We were picked up and driven to the factory by the boss personally. Earlier on, we complained to him that his worker was late to fetch us and we were in a big hurry to catch our flight. We told him to tell his worker not to be late. So today, the boss came personally, driven by his worker to fetch us, and they were punctual. In fact, they were early. Along the way to his factory, there was no traffic jam. We reached his factory at record speed.

Discussion with him went smoothly. In fact, hubby's discussion was so fast today. As for me, I chose inventory in record speed too. When we were almost done, we looked at the clock and were surprised that it was still early. It was about 2pm and our flight was at 8.10pm. His worker was supposed to drive us from the factory directly to the airport. But 2pm was too freaking early!

We were restless and hubby commented that there was still so much time left that we didn't know what to do. He suggested that next time we shouldn't go so early. Eventhough I didn't talk much, I did agree with him, in my heart. And was grumbling to myself that why is time passing so slow! My God! What are we supposed to do with that 6 hours?? I was thinking that next time we shouldn't go so early.

Such "innocent" thoughts and words. I didn't know they could have a repercussion! From the time the words came out of the mouth, nothing went quite right after that. Order got screwed up causing unneccessary delay. It wasn't the boss's fault. We were confused and messed up our own order. Nevermind, when we got it settled, it was already past 5pm. We thought we still had time. We didn't think that the road to the airport could be jammed! Nevermind, we still managed to arrive at the airport at 7pm (flight was at 8.10pm). We quickly unloaded our luggages. We thanked the worker and he drove off. I wasn't bother with luggages because it has always been hubby's job to make sure all the luggages were properly packed and accounted for. So, all along, I won't know how many luggages we had. BUT. at that moment of time when the worker drove off, my instinct kicked in, and I just suddenly asked hubby, where is that purple luggage? OMG! We had left it in the car and the worker had driven off. I also know that to drive back to the airport quickly to hand us the luggage was almost impossible because there was no u-turn. It was just a long stretch of expressway right to the city about 1 hour away.

No matter what, I NEED my luggage back because inside that bag contained my used clothes and panties. Moreover, I'm having menses and I'm not comfortable with them holding my used clothes, and my panties! We called the boss to ask the worker to pass the luggage back to us. Nevermind the items inside, I just want my used clothes back!

To make matter worse, the airline changed our flight and we were pushed forward to an earlier different flight! So instead of 8.10pm, our new flight would take off at 7.45pm. Gosh! We were so nervous. There we were at 7.10pm, still waiting for our luggage and the check in counter was going to close any moment.

Finally, he drove back and we got our luaggage! He must have found a way to turn back to the airport! Blessed us! We were very very late. Then we realized that instead of Teminal one at the airport, the new flight was at Terminal two! We had to run from the far end of Teminal one to the other end of Terminal two with 5 luggages and 2 heavy backpacks! My God! We were so nervous!

In the end, we had to skip our dinner and ran all the way to our plane! We had planned to have a slow and satisfying dinner at the airport since we thought we would be early. Because of all these unexpectated outcomes, we had to go without food and starve!

Phew... we are finally back! In the end, we were not early. We didn't have to grumble about being early at the factory because our "wish" came true and we weren't early and didn't even have 1 minute to "lobo" around. Instead, we were very late. So late that we nearly missed our flight! I know better now to keep my mind clear and hubby to keep his mouth shut!

I am disappointed....

2005-09-26T19:19:00.000+08:00

... that my menses come today.

That means, I am not pregnant :(

That means, I am going to have a hell lot of problems going for my business trip tomorrow and coping with my tummy cramps and heavy flow :(

That means I am going to feel crappy for the next few days :(

That means I am going to take it out on hubby and make him pissed :(

Ah well.... probably that explains my weepy mood and pessismism as I am going through PMS...

BBQing

2005-09-25T21:28:00.000+08:00

I just came back from a feast of BBQ food and my tummy feel as if it's going to explode! Gosh! I am so bloated and feel so sick of oily fattening food!

We had a chalet today. It is supposed to be a 2 days 1 night affair but we cut it short and made it a 1 day outing. We didn't stay overnight eventhough we have paid for a 2 days 1 night package. I mean, I would rather sleep at home, in the comfort of my bed than squeeze with everyone in a small room that stinked of BBQ smoke. There are 4 adults and 2 kids. How are we going to squeeze in 4 single beds? So I told the hubby that since we would be fetching my parents home late at night, we may as well check out and return home.

We had chicken wings, pork, chicken franks, chinese sausages, sweet potatoes, satays etc etc, the usual BBQ stuff. Now, I feel so sick of all these meat and crave for something light and refreshing.

Now that I am back home, I feel so comfortable and relax. Chalet is nothing fantastic. I much prefer my home. The only reason we wanted to go for chalet is to spend some quality family time when the kids can have all our undivided attention. We would be leaving for our business trip this Tuesday and we hope to spend some time with them. The kids do seem happy though. I am the tired one, fetching everyone here and there, including my parents! LOL

Ignorance is Bliss ?

2005-09-24T13:14:00.000+08:00

I still find ignorance is bliss. Compared with the hubby, I find that my mind is so much more innocent and "pure". I am curious and I would often ask supernatural stuff but I've learnt through my lessons that I should not probe further than I'm able to handle.

I don't like to know supernatural stuff that is associated to our day-to-day living because I prefer my life to be simple. If I meet alot of hiccps, I'll take it as bad luck. If I constantly received good rewards, then I think I am blessed. As simple as that. I only like listening to encounters or strange occurances that doesn't affect me. And I always tell hubby to only let me know things that I can change, not things that I cannot change. What's the point of knowing when you do not have the power to change situations and people? Wouldn't I be making myself more miserable by knowing more?

Sometimes, I do feel I have some instinct in certain sense. But I don't think much about it. Good if I can act on my instinct in the correct way, but if I can't, I just blame it on my stupidity in life.

Hubby knows more supernatural things than me and he is contended the way he is. As he always pointed out, somebody needs to know what is actually happening and he would be the one since I am so cowardly (LOL). As for me, I like the way I am. I don't try to figure out why things happen the way they are. I don't like to challenge situations, in the supernatural way. I always believe everything happens for a reason. People say "Life is as complex as we want to make it to be". But for me, I see it as "Life is as simple as I want to make it to be". In chinese, we have a "proverb" that goes "Sha Ren You Sha Fu". Directly translated, it is something like "Silly people is blessed with luck in a silly way". I hope to be the silly one who is blessed with luck, nevermind if it is in a silly way. LOL

Ancestral Tablet Commotion

2005-09-23T19:11:00.000+08:00

As usual, today all of us go to my parents' place for dinner. Justin and Joel had their dinner first and followed by hubby and me.

My parents' house has an ancestral tablet and a diety for their prayer.

While we were having our dinner, the kids were playing in the living room. My parents' house was a 3 room flat and therefore it was pretty small. There wasn't much space for them to run around. All of a sudden, I heard a crash. Followed by hubby's very loud and booming shout. Gosh! I think I was scared more of hubby's loudness (which can easily be heard by the entire block, even the next block!) then the crash. My mom got a shock too, because of hubby's shout. Needless to say, Justin was scared out of his wits.

I ran out to the living room to take a look. The top part of the joss stick holder (xiang lu) was overturned and some of its content spilled out. The holder didn't overturned. It was just the top portion that dropped out. Justin had accidentally knocked the joss stick holder with his toy golf stick! He burst out crying because he was too scared of his daddy. I quickly asked Justin to say "sorry". My mom quickly went over, took Justin's hand and prayed and apologised. My dad heard the commotion, came to the living room and told us "it's OK, no problem".

Justin quietened down and continued tearing. While I continued dinner with hubby, I asked him whether it's ok with hubby if I let Justin prayed with joss sticks to "offically" apologised for the "accident". Hubby didn't want to, at first. His rationale is, if Justin hadn't use much joss stick, why should he start using now? Moreover my parents have said that it's OK about the incident. But in the end, he told me he would leave the decision to me, since it's at my parents' house that such thing happened and I am part of my parents' family. I made the decision to let Justin prayed with joss stick to apologise. My rationale is that, if he did something wrong, whether or not it is done on purpose, he should be sorry. Sure, my parents find Justin's act forgiveable. But, no matter what, the wrong was not done to my parents but the ancestral tablet. So, just apologise and move on. I don't take in hubby's rationale.

Justin was very quiet at my parents' home. But now that he's back home, he's much better. I still think hubby shouldn't shout so loud. He can reprimand Justin but he doesn't need to shout at the top of his voice. It is not a small issue, but it is not a big issue either. At least, it happens at my parents' house and not at a stranger's house. I still remember how hubby knocked a figurine of prayer when he was in Thailand. THAT, is more worrisome than this.

A question that I pondered....

2005-09-21T23:34:00.000+08:00

There are certain questions that Jin posts that will set me thinking for a long time.

This is one of them.

What will I do if I know I'm dying, and I have a choice to swap my destiny with someone else so that I won't die? I know I will choose death, for my conscience. For fear that my karma will affect my children and the next generation.

But putting conscience and karma aside, what do I really want to do if say, I know I will be dying next week? How could I possibly leave Justin and Joel, when the elder child is barely 6? True, I have my hubby to be the guardian and I know he will love them with all his heart. But somehow, deep inside me, I know there is no one who will love my children as much as I do. I carry them in my womb for 9 months. Who will understand that kind of bond that a mother shares with her child?

Then I think of Arlene. Ohh... that sicko, that idoit, that fat ass! I don't mind swapping my life with an asshole like her, to make myself live longer *evil grin*

The bottom line is, fear of bad karma and conscience still rule me. But if I were to throw karma and conscience out of the window, yes, I will do it. If I can, I will find someone whom I dislike to swap my death sentence with. So if I am a master now, I'll start keeping records of those who step on my toe. kekeke...

A coward

2005-09-20T00:33:00.000+08:00

I am a coward when it comes to anything that is supernatural. That's why hubby tried to avoid talking to me about supernatural stuff irregardless of how much I tried to probe him. Being curious (also known as KPO), I will try to manipulate and "forced" out issues which he knows but prefer not to tell me. When I finally get out the truth from him, I will scare the hell out of myself, and I'll live my days in fear and super imagination.

Just like today, Jin called, hubby picked up the phone, and I know they talk about some supernatural stuff. Then this evening, I was very curious because I heard "cigeratte", "black magic" etc etc, so I tried to ask him to tell me what was the conversation about. Today, I don't have to probe much and he tells me the brief, "harmless" conversation that he thought wouldn't have any impact on me.

Then comes the drama.

Pony came into the room and greet us goodnight. I turned, saw her in a black t-shirt, immediately jumped out of my chair and screamed! My actions were really dramatic! So drama that hubby got a shock and he jumped! Pony burst out laughing and kept apologising to me.

I know I can be very drama at times. But I didn't know I can be so drama as to get shock over a human being! I am still suffering from the after-effect of the revelation and am still over-working my imagination!

Sometimes, it's better not to be too interested in things I should not be interested in. Like the proverb goes, "Curiosity killed the cat!".

Coincidence

2005-09-19T23:44:00.000+08:00

Hubby and I actually plan to go for our overseas business trip this week. But somehow, he has been dragging his feet and has an unexplained feeling that he doesn't wish to go. I had wanted to go this week because there were some samples that we needed to pass urgently to our manufacturer.

I was about to make a booking for the air flight tickets when Jin called us to chat. Hubby happened to speak to her because I was engaged with work. When she knew that we were going overseas, I heard from hubby that she sounded a little surprise. She later told the hubby that she had a bad feeling towards us going overseas.

This sounds like a coincidence. First, it was hubby who was dragging his feet and was reluctant to go (very unlike him). Then it was Jin's comment and her "surprise" The time she called when I was about to place an internet booking for the air ticket was also somewhat strange. She rarely called me at 11+am partly because I need to fetch Justin at that time from school. She has called me in the morning or late afternoon but rarely in the early afternoon.

With all these co-incidences, as much as I feel we need to travel this week for business purpose, all plans have been postphoned and air flights booked for next week instead. Sometimes, I guess, we just have to go with the flow and trust the higher forces to guide us through.

Elaine's version of Hong Kong Noodles

2005-09-19T00:31:00.000+08:00

As per Aishah's request, the recipe is as follow, taught to me by my mom. The added vegetables and meats are optional. I just added whatever I could find in my fridge. You can even add fish slices if you want to. It is a very versatile dish. It resembles our chinese dish called "Hor Fun".

Ingredients
1. Hong Kong Noodles (or substitute with any of your prefered noodles)
2. Small slices of chicken (marinate with soya sauce, sesame oil, pepper, alittle rice wine, corn flour for at least 1 hr)
3. Mushrooms
4. Carrots
5. Green vegetables
6. Prawns
7. Crabsticks
8. Fishballs

Soup base
Chicken bones (I used quite alot)
1 handful of dried Scallops
A few slices of ginger
A handful of garlic, lightly smashed

Step 1
Boil a kettle of water. Use the boiling water to scald the chicken bones. This is to get rid of any fishy smell.

Boil a pot of water. When it starts to boil, then placed the chicken bones, scallops, ginger and garlic into the soup. Do not placed the chicken bones before the water boils.

Let the soup boil for at least 1 hour. If you want the soup to be thicker, boil it longer.

Step 2
Use hot water to soak the noodles until soft. After taking the noodles out, rinse it with cold water. Set aside

Step 3
Prepare all ingredients to add to the hong kong noodles.

Step 4
Once soup is ready, discard the bones. In another small bowl, add corn flour and water. Then pour the corn flour mixture slowly into the soup, stirring constantly to ensure the right consistency. It must be alittle thick. You may want to add an egg inside the soup. Add alittle dark soya sauce for the color. And add salt to taste. Keep the soup slightly boiling during this process.

Step 5
Pour some soup in a claypot, when the soup boils, add meat and vegetables. Add noodles at the last stage. And viola! It's ready for serving! With some green chilli. My version of hong kong claypot noodles. A very simple and nutritous 1 dish meal!

P.S Just rememeber that to make the soup sweet, you have to be generous with the bones and scallops.

Nice Food!

2005-09-18T17:57:00.000+08:00

I have good meals today. This morning, I woke up to a hot bowl of vegetarian porridge and a cup of coffee. Hubby has gone to the market early in the morning to buy me the porridge. Recently, eversince he starts his leave, I have the fortune of waking up to nice breakfast everyday. He would buy breakfast for me when he bring Justin to school. It could be prata, pancake, porridge or bao (chinese buns). Wheras for Joel and I, we no longer have to wake up early in the morning. We would sleep till we are contended. *giggles*

In the afternoon, I decided to take a break from Pony's cooking. I cook. I cooked Hong Kong Claypot noodles and it is simply delicious. I am not a great and consistent cook. Sometimes, the same dish could turn out awful. Just happen that today, I cook it really nice. To make the soup sweet without the harmful effect of MSG, I boil the soup with lots of chicken bones, scallop, ginger and garlic. I seasoned the meal the way my mom taught me, throw in mushroom, lots of vegetables, prawns etc. Then I thicken the soup with starch and put in the hong kong noodles, and viola! the noodles is ready. It is very nice with just the right sweetness. Hubby was complimenting it all the way (he has to! Or risk me not cooking anymore. hehehee).

This evening, it is again a wonderful meal cooked by my mom. I have cod fish, bean sprouts with carrots and beancurb, stir fried spinach, eggs, herbal soup, and pork cooked in dark soya sauce with chestnut and mushroom. Plus white bun steamed with pandan leaf. The pork and mushroom is supposed to wrap inside the bun to be eaten together. It was delicious as my mom had cooked the pork for a long time and the fragrance and texture was really good. Much better than restarant standard! I never really fancy chinese mushrooms but my mom cooked it so soft and fragant that I took a couple of them.

As usual, my mom cooked lots and we couldn't finish all the food. We have small appetites. My FIL has a big appetite but even with him around, we couldn't finish all the dishes. He appears to be satisfied with the meal (he is always critical of other people's food eventhough he can't cook well and he won't compliment others if someone has cooked it well). I thought of Jin, and was thinking it would be nice she could join us and I'm sure she could finish up all the food! I never have problem with leftover with Jin joining us for dinner. LOL!

BURP...................

Reach my target weight

2005-09-17T23:32:00.000+08:00

Finally, I have reached my target weight. I take about 6 months to lose 12 kg (26 pounds). Actually, I was still about 2.5 kg heavier in the last month and I felt that it was absolutely impossible to shed that 2.5kg. Then I was hit by food poisoning and after that, I didn't manage to recover my apetite again. I lost that 2.5kg unintentionally and reached my target weight. I am not too sure whether I will continue to lose my weight.

Moreover, after my food posioning episode, I am overwhelmed with extreme tiredness. It is a feeling as if I have run a dozen marathons. Initially, I thought I was pregnant. I tested with the home pregnancy kit, it was negative. I bought another and tested again, it turned out negative too. So, I am quite sure that I am not pregnant. However, I cannot confirm since both tests were carried out before the date my menses is due.

I am having mixed feelings. On one hand, I hope to be pregnant, but on the other hand, I don't think I am prepared for it. There are so much implications by me being pregnant. I am also fearful of cessarean operation. Those long months of healing! And the dreaded hospital stay! OMG!

On the vanity side, I just regain my figure and I do wish to enjoy the slimmer me for a while before I put on weight again when I became pregnant. I have just joined yoga and I had intended to go for gym to train my body. But if I were to become pregnant, all these have to be put on hold. And God knows when I am able to regain my figure again.

Gosh! I think I am just a person with too much conflicting thoughts. I wish to be pregnant, and I wish not.

Blast the CAT!

2005-09-16T16:41:00.000+08:00

I have a stalker and it's the damn bloody black cat! Gosh, I want to cry! Why can't the shitty cat let me off???!!!

This damn cat has already given me a hell lot of problems. Somehow, this cat just seemed to like/hate me alot. It would loiter outside my house, or it would follow me when I go out. Even if hubby tried to chase it off, the damn cat would not move much, and would glare at me. Shit! I HATE it! If only I have the gut to grab it (which I don't *SOB*), I would mince it and cooked it for other cats to eat. Maybe I'll torture it too. That's how much I HATE it!

I swear if the bloody cat stepped into my house again, I would kill it! I will whack the shit out of the damn black cat! ASSHOLE!

Stop following me, DAMN IT! Go follow hubby, go follow Jin, BUT NOT ME, BLOODY SHIT!!

Little updates

2005-09-14T22:30:00.000+08:00

Just some updates for a few of my friends who are reading my blog :)

Hubby had a talk with Lani yesterday on her very bad attitude. From what I gather (body language and gut instinct), I don't think she is interested to work here anymore. I believe she is looking at employment in Hong Kong. She thinks she has a sister to look after her and she has a very rosy picture of that place. Honestly, from my more than 1.5 years of working with her, I don't think she can survive in Hong Kong, where employers have a high expectation of independance and competency in domestic work. She cannot cook, she doesn't clean well and she has a poor understanding of english. She also has an attitude which takes a long time to get used to. Even until now, when she is with me for so long, she still cannot understand what I say from time to time. Maybe she thinks that she has a sister to fall back on, but don't forget, her sister, ultimately, is still a domestic worker there with no influence whatsoever. Her sister is the one who haunt her for money and wants Lani to repay her every single cent she has spent on Lani since young. It makes me wonder, what kind of sister she is and how much she would help Lani in times of troubles.

Maybe Lani thinks that Jin is all praises on how well she can look after Miracle, that makes her think she is competent to look after babies. Lani is wrong. Maybe she can, for a short while and on occasional basis. But if you asked her to look after a baby as one of her main duties, I don't think she can hold the job. She cannot look after babies and I won't recommend her to anyone who is looking for a helper to look after her baby. Even if the house is on fire, she would still be snoring away. I have tried banging the whole door down, and she could still sleep through it.

I have alot of patience for my helpers, if not, I would have sent her away within the 6 months she was here. From an employer point of view, she is not a competent worker and it would be a very big mistake if she leaves here. In fact, initially, I have a whole lot of opportunites and pay increment awaiting her if she is loyal enough. Of course, I'm keeping all these thoughts to myself. It is her destiny. Once she steps out of this house, our fate will end and how she continues her own destiny is her business.

On another note, hubby started his leave and I'm having less time at the PC. Not that he is restricting me, but I am a very private person and would prefer surfing my blog without anyone beside me. With him working beside me, I would rather not surf. I forsee myself spending less time at the PC, in my blog, until I am able to get used to his presence. LOL

Ok, that's it for now. I have to put the kids to bed. Good night!

The Don'ts during the Hungry Ghost Month

2005-09-13T23:37:00.000+08:00

This article is found in a popular local chinese magazine (i weekly). I try my best to translate it to english but I know I'm super bad with translation. It is an article that "educate" people about the dos and don'ts during the hungry ghost month.

Don't take all these seriously cos I beleive most are not true. It is meant for entertainment purpose. I thought some of them are quite comical though.

1. No wind chimes at the front of the bed
In olden china, taoist priest used bells to lure spirits. Spirits cannot distinguish the sound between wind chimes and bells.

2. No outings at night
If your luck is low, and you do now have enough yang energy, you would be easily disturbed by spirits. If you see such sightings, you may fall easily sick.

3. No removal of leg hairs
With more leg hairs, spirits wouldn't dare to come near

4. No stealing of food meant for spirits
Food that has eaten by spirits has lost much of its "flavour". Moreover these food may have some kind of negative energy in it, and may clash with your yang energy.

5. No hanging out of clothes at night to dry
Spirits may be hidden inside these clothes. When you bring in these clothes, they may follow in.

6. No calling/shouting of people's name
When you are out at night, you are not supposed to call out people's name. Even if somebody call you, you should not turn back. It could be spirits that are calling. Spirits do not have eyes. In their eyes, people are like "pixel". So, if they are out for revenge, they may remember the names and recognize by people's reaction to name calling. (??? I'm totally confused by this point)

7. No swimming
Especially if you want to save someone struggling in water, you have to make sure that your yang energy is very powerful, if not, you will be dragged down into the water

8. Don't sleep late
If you sleep late, your body will be weak and will easily be ill. When you are ill, your yang energy will reduce and therefore easier to meet spirits.

9. No leaning against the wall
Spirits like to walk near the wall. If you walk near the wall, you would be easily possessed.

10. No picking up of money on the roads
You won't know whether there is any develish energy in this money.

11. No placement of chopstick in the middle of the rice.
Resembles joss stick in an urn(not too sure whether it is called an "urn"). Such practice will invite spirits to share the food with you.

12. No taking of photos at night
May include spirits in the photos as well.

Backstabbing and what I think

2005-09-13T10:37:00.000+08:00

Hubby has been very unhappy with his job especially the people. The good thing is, he is going for unpaid leave starting tomorrow, with the intention of resigning ultimately. He will be focusing on our business.

His job pays decently but the kind of people there are ugly. Before he goes on his leave, he was backstabbed by his immeidiate superior. He asked me, should he fight back? Because it serves no purpose. I told him, go for it. It wouldn't change a single thing by fighting back because the people are all crap, but by fighting back, he would have done something for himself.

If I encounter backstabbing at work, I won't swallow it without a fight. I will make sure I return double of what the culprit does to me, even if it means losing my job. To me, integriry and self esteem are more important factors than money. I obey authority but I will not bow down to anyone. I am a very proud person. I'll be nice to people who are decent to me. But I'll certainly not take shit that is thrown at me.

I know such character of mine has its flaws. But I don't really bother. At the end of the day, as long as I am able to raise my head up high and know I have fought for my rights and dignity, I am contended.

I used not to be such a "hard" person. But as I grow older, I become more stubborn and can be very inflexible when it comes to my principles. Well, it can be good and bad, I guess...

Look! No tooth!

2005-09-12T01:06:00.000+08:00

Justin just dropped one of his milk tooth. He was so proud and told all of us he has grown up already!

Lovely Baby!

2005-09-11T23:25:00.000+08:00

I was looking through my photo album when I came across this photo that brings so much warmth to my heart.

She is Jin's lovely Miracle!

Stupid website

2005-09-11T23:07:00.000+08:00

I have just managed to type out a long entry today, and guess what, blogger decided to hang on me, and I lost the entry that I have typed out for the past 45 mins!

I'm so frustrated! I think I am suffering a mental block now and I can no longer write what I had just written and lost! *pissed*

Nightmare

2005-09-10T12:58:00.000+08:00

I had an uncle whom my parents hate alot. He had passed away some time ago.

This uncle was a good-for-nothing. After he came out from the prison, he spent his days drinking and gambling. My other uncles and aunties didn't want to stay with him and they "pushed" him to stay together with us because they claimed that the house didn't belong to my dad, it was a rental property that was passed down by my grandparents.

Being poor, my dad didn't have the ability to find another house to rent for us to stay. The place that he was paying for rental was cheap and that was all he could afford. This uncle constantly created trouble for us. Whenever he was drunk (which was almost a daily affair), he would grow violent and attacked all of us. He smashed bottles and made a mess of the house.

One incident that I remembered vividly till today was when he nearly caused the death of my dad. The uncle was drunk and made a mess again, and my mom was very unhappy and passed a negative remark. He wanted to hurt my mom. My dad protected my mom, this uncle took a chopper and ran after my dad. He only missed my dad's heart by an inch or so. If my dad didn't run fast enough, he would have been dead. My dad still couldn't forgive him because my dad was the sole breadwinner and we were all still so young, what would have become of us?

My mom had always prevented me from being alone with this uncle. I couldn't understand why but I did know I was very uncomfortable with the weird stares from this uncle. Only when I was older, I began to understand. This uncle was a sicko!

I always remember the cups of urine he had gobbled down. He would go to the toilet, filled up a cup of urine and drank it right in front of my eyes with a sadistic grin. I always wonder whether he ate his shit too.

On the death bed, my uncle asked for my dad. Eventhough my dad had gone to see him, he didn't have the heart to forgive him. As for me, I refused to see him. I just do not have the open heart to forgive him for what he did to my dad.

Yesterday, I had a nightmare of him. In my nightmare, he was trying to get into my house. Hubby and I refused. He couldn't enter, but he tried all ways, all means, all forms of loopholes to get in. When we changed our lock, he would find ways to duplicate one. I don't know what was his intention, but I just knew in my dream that it wasn't a good one. As long as I stepped out of my house, he would tail me wherever I go. I was so scared that he would find a way to enter my house, by the "illegal" means. I woke up in shock, but later fell asleep again, and the nightmare continued. It was horrible. He tried to haunt me but luckily at the time I woke up, he didn't manage to get into my house, yet.

I hope I do not have anymore nightmares of him. I have not thought of him for a long while now, but he managed to creep into my dream. I hope I would never dream of him again. He was awful!

My view on my business

2005-09-09T12:05:00.000+08:00

I am in the fashion industry. I sell clothes to mainly the Americans. However I do have customers from other countries such as Canada, UK, France, Finland, Germany, Belgium, Sweden, Japan and others which I cannot remember at this moment.

I won't say my business is run fantastically, I do understand there are alot of areas for improvement and a business is never good enough. However, I dare say that it is run well enough to continue being the leader of what I am selling in my target market at this point in time. I have been in this business for more than 3 years and I have known well enough that innovation in my current line is the key to success. Second comes customer service. When it comes to international sales, customers want reassurance that they will get what they pay for, and if something goes wrong, they would be assured of a good after-sales support. I guess, these areas are something that I could provide to my customers.

Competitors come and go. I can never be too confident that I would be where I am seated, tomorrow. As what hubby correctly pointed out, it is easy to be number 2 position, because you only have 1 competitor (the leader) to battle against. It is a totally different story if you are in number 1. You have all competitors, at the bottom, to watch out for.

Sometimes I feel that I am constantly in a race and I do get tired. I am tired of travelling, tired of being away from my children and spending so little time with them. However, I cannot allow my tiredness to make my work slacken. Whenever I look at entrepreneurs getting complacent when their business grow such that their standard drops, and they start ignoring "small" customers, I always tell myself that I will never allow my business to be in that position. Small and big customers are all important customers to me, that will either make or break me.

I am slowly passing the baton to my hubby to continue where I am. It has been 3 years of my life dedicated fully to this business and I think it's time that I start pursing alittle of my interest since age is catching up. I believe with the support of me, hubby will be equally competent to do a fine job. We have the same philisophy towards business and I will continue to help him until he is confident enough to take over the entire job scope.

Mood Swings

2005-09-08T15:38:00.000+08:00

I have got this terrible mood swing which I am trying very hard to control. I get very irritated with hubby but when I try to look for a reason why, I honestly don't know.

I get very irritated with my helpers, for small mistakes which can be ignored. When Pony used Pandan flavor for the konyakku jelly instead of other flavours, I get so mad. But when I look back, it is partly my fault because I didn't tell her specifically what flavour to use.

Then I get very irritated when my dad insist on giving me mooncakes. I told him I don't want but he insists and I get furious. I can be mad with everyone but I don't usually get mad with my dad because he is someone I love alot. Awww.. such small issues to be mad with.

I also get easily weepy. It is not my nature to cry. But now, when I see people crying in the TV programmes, I also want to cry. When I listen to something touching, I also want to cry.

Why am I like that? Must be the stress. Or maybe it's the PMS.

Hua and Shun

2005-09-07T12:17:00.000+08:00

I have a family friend, Hua, who regards my parents as her godparents. She is about 40 years old and is a Malaysian married to a Singaporean.

I find her life to be very hard. She was married once in Malaysia. And has 3 children. Her husband later left her for another woman. She has to single-handedly bring up her 3 children. She came to Singapore to work so that she could earn more to feed her family. She got to know this man who is a bus driver, Shun, and he earns a decent income. Shun owns the bus so his income is able to support her family comfortably.

When Hua gets into this relationship, she already knows that Shun is a very possessive man. In fact, Shun is a divorcee and his wife had run away because she could no longer stand Shun unreasonable obsessive control.

Soon after they got together, they were married. The violence started. Shun would hit her whenever he was in bad mood. Still Hua tolerated him. She got pregnant. Shun still hit her. But he shifted the places he hit. He would kick her at the breast, chest, punched her on her face, anywhere except her tummy because Shun claimed that the baby belonged to him and he would not hurt his own flesh and blood.

Hua cannot wear anything revealing or Shun would punch her. She has to cover herself with clothes from top to toe. Hua cannot has any bad comment about Shun's siblings or she would risk being hit again. Shun has no qualms in putting her down in front of everyone. He has even slap Hua in front of his siblings. As long as he is not happy with any words Hua said, a slap is expected.

When the daugher was born, Hua has to make sure that the daughter doesn't cry unneccesarily or Hua would be slapped. The daughter cannot fall down or Hua would be kicked. The daughter cannot fall ill or Hua would be hit again. There was once the daughter suffered from hand, foot, mouth disease and Hua was hit quite badly by Shun. He claimed Hua was an incompetent mother.

Hua has numerous abortion, even after marraige. I just cannot understand why contraceptive is not used! During the last pregnancy of Hua, Shun warned her that he would let her deliver the baby but Hua better make sure that she deliver a boy because Shun only wants boy. Hua prayed very hard and luckily her prayers was answered, she gave birth to a boy.

I rarely see her but when I do, I did talk to her to no avail. I know what is important to her is that Shun continued to pay for the unkeep of her family in Malaysia and provide her a roof over her head. The rest, she can tolerate.

I feel lots of regret knowing that she lets a man handle her like a piece of garbage. No woman should ever let another person, especially a man, do this to her.

Battle of the Blogs

2005-09-06T15:39:00.000+08:00

Jin introduced this game to me at blog explosion. I gave it a try and thought it is quite fun, especially it is a break for me from my work. I have been toggling between my work site and blog explosion. Though I am not spending 100% of my time at battle of the blogs, it still does have an impact on the speed that I take to complete my work. So I am telling myself to spend less time at battle of the blogs or I would have tons of work left undone.

Honestly, I am quite a private person and driving traffic to my blog is the last thing on my mind. Here in my blog, I speak of my thoughts, feelings, experiences, my daily life and my children. It is never my intention to share this much of information with the world at large. But I guess, as time passes by, I get used to the idea of an online journal and in sharing my views with complete strangers. Still, I don't write with the aim for people to read. In fact, I would prefer people not to read. *LOL*

So far, I have never won any battle. I have been losing, but it is fine. When it comes to blogging, I do not need another person to tell me whether my blog is good or to get the approval of others. It may not be nice to others but as long as it is nice to me and I appreciate what I write, I guess that is all that matters. Moreover, after staying there for about a day or two, I realize that most of the people do not vote for a blog that they deem as geuinely good. They vote for a blog with a higher chance of winning so that they can obtain the credit. Sometimes, I am guilty of that because I need credits to battle.

Also, there are groups of people who will always support each other. Sometimes, even before a battle ends, you would have known who will win the game.

It can be meaningless. But, isn't this what real life is all about? Isn't this what business is all about? It is all too familiar.

I expect myself to continue losing. And I am not going to make any effort to try to win. But I will still go back from time to time when my work allows. Like I say, it's fine if I lose. Losing is not everything. So what if I lose? I derive much entertainment values out of these games.

Moreover, a "loser" can be equally as popular there too. At least, you would be snatched up very speedily when you put up a challenge to battle. LOL.

Narrow Escape?

2005-09-06T11:39:00.000+08:00

During my previous trip overseas to a neighbouring country, I took a budget flight. I have got this phobal towards budget flights, feeling that somewhat they are not as safe as the regular flights. I mean, they have taken off, landed so many times. Surely, their engines (brakes, whatever) must have worn off quite a bit. However, I still took budget flights, not because they are cheap (their flight tickets can be comparable to regular flights tickets), but because I like their timings and it fits my business schedule perfectly.

So, during my most recent business trip, again I took a budget flight as I needed to meet the supplier at a specified time. Every thing went on as usual but I did notice more turbulence than other flights I took. It was only during landing time that freaked me out a little. Firstly, the entire sky was covered with clouds. Vision was nil, making landing impossible. On top of that, everytime when the pilot attempt to land when the sky was cleared a little, the whole plane would shake violently. So the pilots had to abort landing attempts and kept circling the cities. All the while, the plane shook. Everyone tensed up and I got worried. I looked out the window and I couldn't even see anything. It wouldn't worry me if the plane didn't shake so much. I mean, turbulence is part and parcel of a flight journey. But because it was a small plane, it makes me wonder whether the plane could withstand the pressure. I thought of the kids and told myself that I don't want to die. Yeah, I have bought tons of insurance but I just couldn't imagine my kids without daddy and mommy. It would be so sad, isn't it?

Finally, the plane managed to land, with lots of violent shaking. I heaved a sigh of relief.

Within an hour upon the touch down, a plane crashed in Europe and no survivor was found.

Random thoughts....

2005-09-05T15:59:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, Pony showed me her clothes. I was still wondering why she showed me her clothes. When I opened them up, I realized that her clothes were all torn. They were being deliberately cut. Pony told me that it was her previous employer that did that to her. I told Pony that the employer must be crazy. All her shorts and shirts were cut. Such a cruel act indeed.

I don't know how I should feel towards my 2 helpers. But I know I am getting really stressed with Lani. I don't mind that she has an odd temperament or if she doesn't like to speak. I just cannot handle her yoyo temperament. She could be playing with the kids so happily and full of zest, but the next day, you would find her slumped in her chair, pulled a long face, ignoring the kids. On top of that, I find that she is a big bully. This is something that really pissed me off. I mean, I am a person who cannot stand any bully in the first place. If I see one, I have to lash out at that bully or I find the suppression torturous. Unless of course, the bully acts do not concern me abit or I find that the victim deserve it, then I would probably shut up.

But, since all these happen in my house, I just find it so hard to keep silent. But when I speak up, I can be very harsh, so alot of times, I refrain myself from any confrontation and adopt a wait-and-see attitude hoping that issues will resolve on their own. But this is just so not-me!

Anyway, I am feeling alot of blues recently. Joel is down with bronchitis and is currently on nebuliser.

As for me, I am just feeling lousy, terrible, frustrated, impatient and tired. I don't know why I am feeling this way, for just the thought of trying to find out what's wrong with me makes me pissed. Sigh...

Baby Project on hold

2005-09-04T22:41:00.000+08:00

My recent episode with food poisioning kinda scared me, and hubby. It was scary enough to wake up in the middle of the nights to try to puke but nothing came out. I was adverse to strong smell and all kinds of food. I hate plain water and only drank 100 plus and ribena. There was a strong metallic taste in my mouth that I couldn't stand. I was listless, lethargic and slept almost the whole day.

This reminds me so much of morning sickness. I had almost forgotten how it was like. OMG!

When hubby was patting my back as I desperately tried to puke something out and tears flowed out of my eyes, hubby shook his head and asked me, "is this how you would be like when you get pregnant? Maybe we should not get pregnant at all".

Yeah...maybe I should not. I forgot how it was like to have morning sickness and this food posioning suddenly makes me recall those terrible morning sickness. I read that being pregnant with boy is supposed to be easier for the mommy and being pregnant with girl is harder due to the overwhelming female hormones in the mommy's body. I have boys and I felt bad enough. What happens if I have a girl this time? Am I supposed to feel worse? Am I going to lie flat for 9 months totally handicapped to morning sickness? My God!

I think I will just put this baby project on hold. I know I sound absurb but I don't think I can handle morning sickness!

Weddings at the void deck

2005-09-03T23:26:00.000+08:00

There are 2 things which I believe staying in a lower floor unit would be concern. Number 1 is funeral. Number 2 is wedding.

For me, I stay in a low floor unit and I have somewhat gotten used to these 2 occurances. One thing I like about wedding is the happiness and excitment in the atmosphere. Not forgetting the nice aromas of curries, nasi bryani and other wonderful food that never fail to make me drool.

I don't quite like funeral because of the sadness and the somewhat "heavy" atmosphere. It always give me the creep to imagine a dead person lying just at the void deck, not far from where I stay.

Back to the wedding, some families are very considerate. When the time is late, they'll lower their voices and they'll try to have as little activities as possible in the void deck so as not to disturb the families staying at the lower floors.

Currently, my void deck below is preparing for a malay wedding tomorrow, and I have to sigh at their inconsideration. It is past midnight. Kids are still shouting at the top of their voices. Adults talking and laughing so loudly. They are cooking, which is understandable but they don't have to bang and slam their metal pots and pans! Not only that, they drag those pans making those metal screech at such a high pitch that I thought I could go deaf. All these are done late into the night when my kids are trying their best to sleep and I see many households with their lights off.

I honestly don't mind weddings. But I just wish people could be more considerate especially towards children who need to sleep. Sure, there will be chattings and laughter, afterall it is a happy event. You can talk and laugh, but you do not need to scream and screech hysterically, not right to the wee hours of the morning! We share the joy, but please do understand that we need to sleep too.

To Aishah and Jin

2005-09-02T11:28:00.000+08:00

I know you two read my blog, so I'm writing it here.

Aishah,
I'm SO sorry that yesterday was a bad meetup. It wasn't meant to be this way. I was still dreaming away on us yakking away while the kids enjoyed themselves. But I didn't know that I had to be hit with that bout of food poisoning.

I felt like shit and really didn't have any energy to talk. In fact, when you went home, I spent most of my time sleeping away. I'm sorry that I didn't keep to my promise in buying the indian rojak and some muslim food that I planned to. I couldn't make it to the market and I didn't trust my helper to buy the selection I wanted to. I didn't keep to my promise to send you home and you had to return in that kind of rain with 2 little kids in tow. Really really sorry.

The hubby is convinced that you wouldn't return again. *SOB* Afterall, we are such a bad host to you. I promise you that I would make it better the next time, ok?

Jin,
Sorry that I didn't spend much time yakking with you. And I really didn't bother much about your dinner. I just left you on your own. Actually there were alot of food (I realize it only today), but I didn't prepare them for you. There were also the special chilli noodles that my mom had cooked, but I didn't offer that to you too. I should have prepared the meals for you, because Lani's preparation wasn't right. But I didn't have energy to bother with that. In fact, I was feeling progressively worst as dinner approached. So, I just slammed myself in the sofa and slept.

BUT, I am not feeling as bad towards you as I feel towards Aishah. LOL. This is not the first time you're here anyway so I'm sure you can help youself to anything in my house with no constraint.

By the way, Aishah and Jin, I'm feeling better today. I can start eating a tiny winy bit (but can't stomach too much food and too oily food), I feel less naseous, and I'm constantly thirsty. I'm surprised that I went almost without food(and water) the whole of yesterday. That should do some good to my weight. LOL

Humiliated

2005-08-31T11:21:00.000+08:00

Today, we informed Kinderland that we will be pulling Joel out. It was a HORRENDOUS experience. I told huby to speak to the teacher about the farewell party because I was busy completing my work. I was thinking of throwing a small farewell party for Joel so had wanted to get the approval of the teacher.

We told them the reason why we wanted Joel out, that we were not too happy with the management and the ethics. The teacher couldn't approve of the farewell party. Fine. No farewell party then. Then one of the teachers told hubby "BUT you have to give one month notice!". The teacher looked hubby up and down and commented "So, can I presume that you won't pay for your son school fees?". My God!!! Then she said, "do you know that the school fees are deducted by Giro and we don't have to stop Giro deduction because it is stated that 1 month notice is required". What the FUCK! To set the record straight, our school fee is not paid by Giro. It is paid by cheque. Now, even if it is paid by Giro, we can jolly well cancel the Giro payment since school fees will only be deducted after 4 September. So, you want to sue me to court??

The way the teacher put it, and the way she looked (up and down), she was thinking that we couldn't afford the school fees and that we are cheapskate parents! Such arrogant attitude of the school!!!! They even tried to justify the fee increment by stating matter-of-factly that they should have increased the school fee early this year but they are (kind enough) to delay until the last term before they increase the fee. To them, it is NOT unethical. To them, we are just cheapo parents who cannot afford their school fees and we are just picking on their policies to make ourselves look better. They cannot see the fact that it is not the MONEY issue. I can afford the $120 increment, for goodness sake! But I just don't want to pay!!! They look down on us and humiliate us!! Hubby argued but their mentality is fixed. We just didn't kick up a storm because Justin is still in the school!

Bloody hell! I am still angry and when I am angry, I cannot think right!!!!!!!!!!

Hubby and Games

2005-08-31T09:58:00.000+08:00

Since I know hubby, I have already known of his obsession with games - computer games, playstation games, xbox games and whatever.... So, it is nothing new to me over his craze with games. I mean, this is the man I marry. And when I enter into this marraige, I already know he is like that. And I know I cannot change much over this aspect of him.

He has often told me, it is better that he is obsessed with games, than with women. Though I don't take such an "excuse" as an excuse, I know I shouldn't take his obsession too much to heart and I should just treat it as a form of relaxation for him.

However, when he starts his game craze again, it really irks me to no end. This has arose because of bad memory in the past. When we were dating, he could spend days after days in front of the computer. He could survive on cookies and crackers . No sleep. He hardly had any time for me. I would just be staring at his back. And his priority was such that I was placed at the 3rd place, his granny 2nd and his games at the 1st, which really pissed me off because I HAVE to be first, no doubt about that. Oh yeah... I am unreasonable. Even when I was his girlfriend, I have to be number 1.

Now that we are married, his priorities have shifted. I am at the number 1, kids number 2, work number 3 and then comes to his games. Still, his games is an important aspect of his life.

His mind is often thinking of the latest games machine. It could be xbox today and playstation 2(or 3?) tomorrow. He will think of all the games he could play. He could even lose his sleep to playing games.

I am still quite intolerant to his games. Whenever he asked me to join him in any games, I will flatly refused. When I see my kids following his trend, I will get all worked up and screamed at my kids. Sometimes, even when Justin and Joel didn't do anything wrong, just the sight of them in front of the games machine pissed me off so much that I would shout at them. If they talk too much about games, I would scream at them too. Hubby frowned at my behavoir. I know I have over-reacted, but I cannot control myself.

To save my sanity, I think I will reduce the kids' games time. It is hard for me to handle hubby's obsession with games because I married him knowing he is like that. But I don't want to anger myself further by dealing with the kids' obsession with games. If I cannot control my hubby, I will control my kids. If their hobby irks me so much, I think there is no point in supporting their likings. Eventhough there is really nothing wrong with playing games, it will drive mommy crazy!

I don't blame hubby for behaving this way. Everyone of us has perculiar habits or obsession. It is not that hubby changed after he is married. He is still the way he was. Moreover, it is just games - his hobby and past time, and really, it's no big deal. He didn't neglect me or the kids. So why am I complaining? Well, it is something within myself that I have to work on.

Joel last days in school

2005-08-30T09:18:00.000+08:00

Today is the last two days that Joel will be attending school. After the school holiday starts, I will pull him out of his current school, Kinderland. He will only be enrolled in another new school next year.

To a certain extend, I feel guilty in pulling him out of school. But I know it is a neccessary evil. If it has not been Justin's last term in school, and his graduation year, before he enters primary 1, I would have pulled him out too. I am not happy with the school's management and ethics and I think it is a waste of money to let my kids conitnue their studies in this school. I won't consider a school as ethical when they try to increase the school fees at the last term when half of the term is school holiday. Shouldn't it be done on the start of a new year?

Moreover, I notice that the school is gearing towards unethical profit-making eversince the new principal took over. They charges $350 for a course on taking care of pets. Why $350 when such education could be taught free-of-charge at the SPCA? When I read through the content of the course, it is basically common sense theroy when they taught how to take care of the pet, responsibility blah blah blah.... It doesn't warrant $350 for some common-sense talk. Then there are the lego lessons that cost a whopping $400+. They are supposedly to teach you how to be creative. I could have bought tons of lego and let my kids practise on their own without the hefty charges. I recieve letters every week asking for payment of this and that. By the amount of money I pay to the school, I could have enrolled them in numerous enrichment courses. Moreover, hubby commented that the kids do not learn much things in school.

The school increases their fees by $100+, and now I'm paying $900 per term for 1 kid. They deliberately do so at the last term. Fine, they can go ahead and do whatever unethical stuff they deem appropriate to make money but I am pulling my kids out and I hope many parents will do so to show our displeasure.

Somehow I feel that Kinderland will not be defeated. It is afterall a brand name that rich parents go for, even with whatever crab ciriculum they have. Somehow, rich people have a different mentality from average families like us. I bet they don't mind paying exhobitant fees for courses because they equate expensive = good. I don't think they truely evaluate what are the contents of the courses. As long as it's "Kinderland", then it must be "good".

So, it's with deep regret that I have to pull Joel out eventhough Joel enjoys time spent with his classmates tremendously. Kids are innocent. And I know all these friends have given Joel much joy and companionship during his less-than-a-year short stay at Kinderland. I have spoken to the hubby and we have decided to throw a small farewell party for Joel. We will also speak to his teacher that we have nothing against the class. It is the management that we are not happy about.

In return, I will enroll Joel in enrichment course that he enjoys.

Bloody Shit CAT

2005-08-29T11:24:00.000+08:00

I am NOT a cat lover. And I am getting so damn bloody pissed with this sickening black cat that is haunting me/us!

There is this fucking BIG black cat which is not afraid of anyone of us. It would glare at us and followed us wherever we go. Whatever we do won't rid it of us. It has the tendency of sitting in front of my house, starring at my gate, like waiting for us. It is especially "hooked" to me. Bloody shit asshole!

I'm so so so SO SO ANGRY with it when it came into the house today. Lani tried to chase it away. No use! So together with Pony, they tried to chase it away. The bloody cat ran everywhere except the door. Then it decided to run into my bedroom and to my precious bed!!! I'm so freaking PISSED that fear escaped me and I took a whole bunch of newspaper, rolled it up and aimed at its damn shit head and threw with my full force. If only it hits its head, but too bad it didn't!!! How dare the freaking cat go to my bed! Finally, Lani chased it out of MY house. If she didn't, I would have taken the chopper and chop it to pieces! I would have killed it with my bare hands. Stupid bloody cat!

Whatever animal lover out there or cat lover or whatever, condemn me if you want, but I don't care! I HATE CATS!! I seriously swear I WILL KILL that black cat and chop it to pieces like a piece of garbage if it ever dare to step on my bed again! If anyone were to tell me off for cursing this cat, I will shoot you down too! If you are not happy with the way I curse at the stupid useless cat, then DON'T READ!

GO to hell, you damn bloody asshole CAT!!!!!!!

Prostitute tour

2005-08-28T00:55:00.000+08:00

This evening, since hubby and I were very tired and had no mood to work, we decided to do something crazy. We decided to drive to Geylang to look at prostitutes. Since we just had instant noodles for dinner, we were thinking of grabbing supper on our way home.

Initially, I was wearing a spaghetti top, braless. But for the sake of venturing to that place with all those "hungry" buayas, I decided to wear a loose fitting T-shirt with a decent bra so that I would not be mistaken as a hooker.

We drove to Lorong 18. We saw lots of hotels and some brothels with their trademark red light. I tried to peer into the house to look at the women but I didn't see many of them. They were probably busy at "work", I guess.

I saw this dingy adult toy shop that caught my eyes. It was in a secluded corner. It looked interesting enough since it was in the middle of a row of brothels. I wanted to look at the lingerie but I hesitate in getting out of the vehicle because the sight outside was just too daunting for me. Evil-looking middle age men were walking in groups, oogling at women, and there were of course those men who stood outside the house trying to lure these men into the brothels. Then there were also the groups threatening-looking foreign workers. Just alot and alot of men. I just felt uncomfortable mingling with these crowds of people. So I decided to stay put in the vehicle, driven by hubby.

Next, we turned into a corner lane. Wow! The sight that greeted us was quite amazing. There were lots of "freelance" there standing by the road. They were quite charming. They were clad in little clothes and all dolled up. Their figures were good. They don't look local to me. I think they are from China. I suspect some are Indonesians. But the majority are from China. It is here where I see alot of men oogling at these womens and some approached and talked to them. Hubby also looked. I don't mind. Cos I looked too. LOL.

Well, I had seen enough and we proceeded to drive home. I didn't have any appetite for food so we went to buy some durians instead, for hubby.

I told the hubby, so these men want to have easy sex with these women. Fine. But they better prepare themselves for the deadly disease, AIDS. And if one day they have AIDS, sorry, I have no sympathy for them.

Betting

2005-08-27T23:43:00.000+08:00

Today, hubby and I (with my parents) went to the hawker centre for dinner. After dinner, hubby was looking to buy some desserts for us. He came across a curry puff store at a corner and stopped to buy some. The owner told him that he sold lots of curry puff a day, more than 2000 curry puff and his business was very good. Then, for no reason, he asked hubby to buy lottery, on his shop's number and told him that his shop number has come out top prizes on two occasions.

Hubby came to me and told me about this. He asked me whether he should bet on the numbers, as what he was told by the store owner. I felt alittle uncomfortable and told him I wanted to think about it. After a while, I told him no. I don't want to bet on the numbers. Just because of the fact that the owner told hubby to buy, and not because hubby himself wanted to buy.

Firstly, I don't really believe in lottery. I don't think we have such luck. We are the kind of people who need to work hard so as to achieve. Money just do not fall from the sky for us. Secondly, it's fine with me if we suddenly have an inspiration to bet on a certain combination of number or to bet on familiar numbers such as our house number or whatever. BUT, it's not alright if someone else, especially a stranger, came to us and told us to buy some set of number. It makes me feel as if I owe this stranger a favour if the number were to strike.

I explained to the hubby why I am not comfortable with betting these number. He understand of course. Maybe I am a coward but I would rather not take a risk when it comes to such things. I would rather be "free" from any possible burden and consequences. I am not one to be blinded with such greed. Throw a million dollar my way, for no reason, and I'll tell you, I will not accept. Nothing comes free and if it is not from someone I know, or for a reason that I think I should deserve this money, I'll throw this 1 million dollar back to you.

Right and Wrong

2005-08-26T09:12:00.000+08:00

Justin came to me yesterday and sadly told me,

Justin : "Mommy, Keith said that I am a lousy girl. I am a bad girl".

Me : "You are NOT lousy. You are NOT a girl. "

Justin : "But mommy, he said that I am bad."

Me : "Tell Keith you are NOT bad. You are a good boy. Keith is a naughty boy to say such nasty things".

Justin: "Mommy, Keith push me and my back hits Mrs Ching sharp corner of the table".

Me : "How did you react, darling?"

Justin: "Nothing."

Me :"Next time when such thing happens, tell Keith strongly that you are not a bad boy. He is bad boy for pushing. When he wants to hit you, raise up your hand to block. And tell him loudly, NO. If Mrs Ching is around, tell Mrs Ching what Keith did to you. You are not a bad boy. Keith is wrong to do that to you".

Justin : "ok, mommy"

Throughout the afternoon, Justin was in a terrible mood. I think he felt that he was being bullied so he was very frustrated and I often heard quarrelling with his brother. I told Justin that this is no way to behave. If he feels that wrongs have been done to him, then he should stand up for himself, target the problem right there and then. He shouldn't come back, felt he was bullied, and took it out on us or his younger brother.

That night, Justin spoke to his daddy regarding the bully.

Justin: " Daddy, Keith pushed me. Keith said I am a bad girl".

Daddy: "What! What did you do? Did you push him back?"

Justin: "No"

Daddy: "Next time, if he pushed you, pushed him back.

Justin: "But mommy said cannot fight".

Daddy: "It's not fighting. It's self defense. If you let people bully you once, he will bully you again and again. You have to put a stop to it. If he push you once, you push him back once. You cannot push him back twice because that is bully. Just once. You have to protect youself so that nobody will hurt you. "

Little Joel: "Daddy, if big brother's friend bully him, I will punch him, kick him and throw him to the floor".

Me: "No. That is bully."

Daddy: "Justin, you have to fight back if anyone were to hurt you. Daddy and Mommy will not always be around to protect you. You have to protect yourself. People beat you, you beat back. People push you, you push back. People kick you, you kick back. Daddy and mommy will not blame you if you protect yourself but you cannot start a fight. Always remember, you let a person hits you once, he will hit you again and again."

Gosh! Hubby and I taught him different things though our philisophy is the same. I don't encourage violence but hubby felt that it's ok to fight if situation needs him to. Hubby told me that it's not alright to keep complaining to the teacher because Justin will be viewed by his peers as a weakling and he will be laughed at and his school life will be miserable. There are bound to be bullies around so he has to stand up for himself and fight to protect his integrity if neccessary so that his self esteem will not be crushed. Even if Justin or Joel were to get into trouble, he will still support them as long as he feels that the cause is right. Teachers can stepped in, in certain situations but as he grows older, he will find that teachers can no longer be used to deal with his peers and bullies.

Maybe hubby is right. Afterall, he has tutored young kids/teenagers for many years and his students, whom are problematic teenagers, are able to confide in him problems which they cannot confide in their own parents and teachers. Hubby must have done something right there for a teenage boy to confide his problems in him.

I have to agree with hubby that if one day, my sons were to get into trouble for fighting and breaking rules, I will not judge until I hear what my sons have to say. And if I find that my sons have reasons to act in the way they do, even if it's against the rules, I have no qualms to stand up for them. I don't want to bring them up to be law abiding citizens that goes by the book. I want to bring them up to be men with integrity and principles.

Wanna Know What I Think About You ?

2005-08-25T19:27:00.000+08:00

What's your darkest ultimate fear?

That I would give birth to a deaf child.

I've taken the baton from Jin so am continuing the race.

Leave me a comment and I will answer these for you, look back in the comments section for your answers...

1. I'll respond with a random thought I have about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (or so we think).
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your blog

Choosing sex

2005-08-25T08:51:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I can't help but feel that nature has its way of guiding you towards a course. I cannot remember when that I started loathing the contraceptive in me. Then it started to give me so much problems that we decided to take it out.

At the same time, hubby just wanted to go for unpaid leave and this would ultimately lead to his resignation. He would be taking over the main duties that I am currently holding. That gives me some breathing space to either rest or focus on other aspects of the business.

Somehow, the thought of having a 3rd child strikes us around this time too. It seems crazy, especially at a time when the future is filled with so much uncertainties. The logical thing to do is to put our baby-making project on hold until a time when we are more sure of where we stand. However, it just seems, in our heart, that the time is right. It's very hard to explain that kind of feeling.

Now, if I view it in another way, that is, a positive way, isn't nature preparing me to be pregnant and to ensure continuity of the business, by hubby taking over my job? All conditions are favourable now and I know we can afford a third baby. Even if we can't, I know we will make it work. There are the uncertainties of course, but what is there that is certain, in the first place?

I am still not 100% sure of a 3rd child. Hubby and I would very much want to have a girl. And we have even bought this book from Borders book store. I have read it and understood what is said and taught.

The thing is, deep inside, I feel that we shouldn't mess around with nature. What is mine will be mine. What is not mine shouldn't be forced. Am I manipulating mother nature by attempting to choose the sex of my baby?

Then again, another arguement of me is, am I really attempting to change mother nature? If I am destined to have a boy, irregardless of the time of sex or whatever that is taught in the book to increase my chances of having a girl, somehow the male sperm will still have a way to make its way to the egg, isn't it? It's not that I use medical intervention to separate the male or the female sperm which is an act against nature. All acts are still "natural" in a way, isn't it?

So, it's with all these debates in mind that I am still putting my baby-making project on hold. I am quite certain that we would give number 3 a try, I just don't know whether I should even try to increase my chances of having a girl or I should just let nature takes it course.

An accident I witness

2005-08-24T08:56:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, on my way from fetching hubby back from work, I came across an accident, right before my eyes. It was a grotesque, serious accident. The man was sprawled on the floor, huge amount of blood oozing out of him and onto the road. I reckon that the man could be dead or very very seriously injured. He could either be a pedestrian or a motorcyclist. Being timid, I was of course spooked by the sight. But the more intense feeling that I was experencing was one of sadness and regret. Lying there could be someone's else husband, father or son. His family would be devastated if they didn't see him home tonight, or they might just never see him or talk to him again.

That just bring me to another thought. Why do people drive so carelessly and put themselves and other road users to danger? My daily experience on the road makes me draw the conclusion that Singaporeans are truely an impatient lot. You must move off fast at a traffic junction, you must drive fast, people cutting lanes at ridiculously close and dangerous distance and motorcyclist weaving around. I used to be frightened by all these sights when I started driving. Though I am no longer intimidated by other road users, I am still upset by the irresponsible attitude of most of the road users. What is wrong with giving way? Why do people have to speed up once you make a signal that you want to cut into their lane? Why do people have to honk at the slightest provoke? I cannot understand. And I regard all these people as truely uncivilised. Even the hubby is one nasty driver. He cut lanes unneccessarily and glare at other drivers. I am often turn off by his driving habits. I feel that drivers in other countries are far better than we do. Yes, they drive fast but they drive safely and they give way as much as they can.

I am not saying that I am a fantastic driver. To those impatient drivers out there, I am a "bad" driver who is too slow for comfort. No, I am not slow, I just watch my speed limit. The speed limit is not implemented for no reason. I give way as much as I can and I don't honk unless it is a dangerous situation and I need to honk to alert. I always give way to motorcyclist as I feel that they are the most vulnerable lot. Yes, they can be very inconsiderate, do not observe traffic rules, but it doesn't take much to just give way to them. I do not bother by how other drivers label me. As long as I can travel from Point A to Point B, with all my passengers safe and sound, and also making sure that other road users are not endangered by me, my conscience is clear.

If only Singaporean can learn to be more forgiving, there would be less cases of accidents and road rage. Why must something happen to us before we wake up?

Can Mommy Teach?

2005-08-23T08:13:00.000+08:00

I don't think I could ever tutor my kids. I just do not have the patience. I used to be a tuiton teacher before and had taught lower and upper primary students. That was donkey years ago when my english was still decent. Nowadays, my english had deteriorated so much that I could not get my tenses right and of course, my brain had become rusty when it comes to academic work.

It's not only that. Somehow, facing other kids and facing my own kids are 2 different things. I used to have the patience to teach other students but now, when it comes to my own kids, I hardly have any patience to teach them. I would explain to them once, twice, and when it comes to the third time and they still could not get their sum right, I could feel my blood boiling. It is always the case when I started out speaking softly and patiently but it would soon escalate to a stage when my voice is raised and I grow really impatient and furious when my method and instructions are not followed. Justin would always look at me with his teary eyes and said, "But I thought daddy would be teaching me this?". Ahhhhh.... he knows that Daddy has more patience than Mommy and Daddy's method is more easily understood than Mommy's. It's fine, I'm more than willing to pass on this task to hubby as I know I really am not in a position to teach. I may just kill their interest towards learning altogether.

Now when daddy teach, Justin would sit on the table and listen or do what daddy asked him to do. Joel would ask to be seated together with his big brother to do his "homework". If I say I am going to teach, both would avoid me and Joel would run away. LOL

Hubby told me, it has been a known fact that Mommies can't teach their own kids without screaming their head off. Maybe it's true afterall...

Recovered

2005-08-22T09:12:00.000+08:00

Finally, after lots of sleep and rest, I am up and running again! What makes me happy is that hubby has tried, over the weekend, to take over some of my main duties and has learnt quite a bit of stuff. At least now, he is not lost when I speak to him of what I do and he would be of help when his leave starts. It's less than 20 days before his leave starts and I think I am looking forward to it. Maybe for a start, when he takes over my duties, I will not jump into other duties yet, but I'll probably take a short rest to catch up with the kids, family and friends especially Jin. Would love to spend some time with her and the 2 princesses.

I just hope the future will be bright and cheery! I am positive and I know everyone will turn out fine.

Still sick

2005-08-20T23:02:00.000+08:00

It is rare that I will fall sick for more than 3 days but this time round, I am really sicker than I thought I was. Today, which is a Saturday, I am still feeling sick. We stayed home most part of the day so that I could rest.

I am feeling very groggy due to the medicine. I hate to take these types of medicine that causes drowsiness. But I have no choice because whatever alternative therapy that used to work on me, don't work this time. Even when I drove this afternoon to fetch hubby from work, I feel as if I am floating in the air. That reminds me never to drive in such condition again. I would be a danger to myself and to other road users.

Tomorrow Justin would be attending another swimming class. I hope I would be well enough to go down the pool too. Monday would be the start of my yoga lesson. I would be dragging hubby to join me too. Hopefully there are some male species attending the class, or I am pretty sure hubby will not want to join the lesson.

I am feeling groggy all over again. Must be the medicine at work. It's bed time.

Tong Hua

2005-08-19T23:33:00.000+08:00

This chinese song touches the core of my heart. I rarely listen to chinese songs but this is one that captures my heart. Hubby is also very touched by this song. He watched with me throughout the entire clip. I am not a person to cry much in real life situation BUT I am capable of crying buckets when I watch any sad shows or read any books with tragic endings. This tragic love story did make me tear.

http://www.lcbtv.com/flash/movie/tonghua.swf

Sweet or not?

2005-08-19T23:23:00.000+08:00

Hubby passed me this note when I drove him back from work and he knew I was terribly sick.

Dearest Wife

I aspire to be a better husband.

One filled with strength to hold
you when your soul is weary.

One filled with courage to face
your life's adversity.

One filled with gratitude to appreciate
all the beautiful things that you
have brought me.

Most of all, one filled with love
to forever hold you in my heart

Loving You Always
Jay

Joel strange necklace

2005-08-19T09:19:00.000+08:00

Justin has a necklace that he wears around his neck. Joel has always expressed his interest in having one too. One day, Justin's necklace that was holding on to the pendant came loose and we tried to hunt for another necklace for Justin. Joel saw it and cried for a similar necklace saying why his brother has it and he doesn't.

So, hubby went searching for a necklace for Joel. We finally found a very similar one that we bought from Thailand. It was a small wood pendant that was engraved. We put this necklace around Joel and he was finally satisfied. After that, we didn't think much about it.

However, I noticed that Joel became naughtier. I didn't bother much about it because Joel has always been naughty. I became concern when he started vomitting, became sick and listless. I thought he was down with some kindda virus. However, there was no fever and he didn't vomit everytime he ate his food. Sometimes he vomit, sometimes he didn't. Sometimes he was active, sometimes he was listless.

I was looking at him when his wood necklace caught my eyes and I felt a sense of discomfort. I quickly told him to come over and immediately took away his necklace. He didn't fight against me. In fact, he was very willing to give up his necklace, which was so unlike him. As fast as he started vomitting after putting on the necklace, his vomiting stopped IMMEDIATELY. He revert back to his usual self, as bouncy and cheeky as ever, and he never ask for a necklace again.

Hubby has always told me, I do have an instinct within myself. It's just that I am in BIG denial. He told me that even sometimes when I feel something, I would give him some crab excuses like "I don't know", "Don't ask me-I cannot feel anything". And I will keep quiet and will not share anything because I choose to believe that I am ignorant and do not have an instinct. Or I will ask ignorant and stupid questions of which I know the answers deep down.

Maybe like what hubby said, I am in denial and will choose to ignore and bury that instinct in me, if there is one at all (see... this is denial. LOL). Maybe I will react appropriately in times of crisis, or maybe I never will.

Sick! Sick!

2005-08-18T22:51:00.000+08:00

Oh Shit! I hate this feeling of being sick! The stupid running nose that makes me sneeze and tears. The achy body that feels like it's going to break into pieces. This is the second time within a month that I fall sick. Gosh! What's wrong with me? Must be the stupid weather. During my business trip, the weather was so hot that I thought I was baked. It was like 38-40 celcius. Then when I went back to the hotel, I froze due to the sudden temperature change. When I came back to Singapore, it bagan to rain or shine. Sometimes so hot, sometimes so cold and rainy. I am out fetching the kids to and fro school, fetching hubby from work and run errands from time to time. Plus my work, I think my body just cannot take the stress anymore, my immunity drops and I fall sick.

Usually, when I know I'm about to fall sick, I would take in a whole lot of chilli. Especially the super spicy chilli padi. I would cook a bowl of noodles or whatever, then I would dump the chilli padi inside the noodle. After the meal, my stomach and body would start to become very hot and burning, and after some time, I would miraculously be better and I would recover in a day or 2. I am trying this remedy again and I hope it will work. I hate medicine. It makes me drowsy and incapable to work.

At my this kind of state, it must be out of my mind to think of conducting a Birkenstock shopping spree in a local forum. Actually, my primary purpose is to get hubby a good pair of shoes for his almost flat feet. He is having so much problems with his ankle that I thought we should just spend to get him a really good pair of shoes for his problematic leg. His current shoe is spoilt and he is basically shoe-less. I had all worked out and even left my message in the forum. After some thoughts, I was in time to cancel my shopping spree. I mean, it's just not worth it to go through the trouble to collate and organize payment and collection for the sake of hubby's shoes. I expect alot of problems, requests and demands from the forumers. On top of that, what happen if wrong size is shipped or there is a short shipment? How am I going to account to these forumers? I am going to have hell man! Moreover, if I am going to spend so much money on a pair of shoe, it would be such a waste if it doesn't fit. Ordering online for shoes without trying can so risky. What happens if the size is not right, the fit is not right, etc? Don't forget hubby has problem legs and can be very picky when it comes to shoes. There are so many pairs of good shoes that he has tried but doesn't fit him comfortably. Luckily I am in time to pull out my shopping spree since no one has placed any order yet. Phew....

Well... from time and time again, I have told myself, don't get others involve during purchases. Even hubby told me that he would rather spent more money to pay for higher shipping fee than to combine purchases with other people so as to get a lower shipping fee. I should keep reminding myself of that, instead of being cheapo to save myself a couple of dollars of shipping fee and live at the mercy of others' regulations, inconvenience and restrictions.

Feelings...

2005-08-17T12:56:00.000+08:00

Actually I have alot of work to do. But there's just so much that is on my mind that I just want to blog about how I feel.

Jin has finally broken the news about her stage 1 cervical cancer. I would be lying if I said I am not sad. But then I know, that sadness and devastation will not help the situation in any way. She has enough to think about to be further burden by another person's sadness.

This brings back memories of the time my mom was striken with cancer. Of course, my mom didn't have the kind of fighting spirit as Jin. My mom depended much on me to guide her through the ordeal of treatment and surgery. I knew I had to be strong for her. Deep inside, it hurts to see her in the depressive state she was but I had to put on a brave front so that she could draw some strength from me, which she did. It was a trying time for everyone.

I believe all is in the mind. If you think you will win, you will win despite whatever outcome it turns out to be. I am a positive person. I believe however bad the situation is, there is always hope, and miracle.

For Jin, I just hope the people surrounding her, especially her family, will not wallow in sadness. It is tough enough to be geared up for a battle, and it would be tougher still to deal with the depressing emotions around her.

To Jin,
I will be with you through this ordeal. You need a listening ear, you know you will have me to turn to. You need someone to drive you for treatments, you know who you can call. You need food, I can ask Pony to cook you some if you can stomach her low salt food (I can't, I love my salt. LOL). You need babysitter, I'm here. You want me to scrub chestnut to help you reduce heatiness from therapy, no problem. You need to rest, my house always welcomes you. You need a kick in the ass when you are feeling down, ohhhh... I would be more than willing to, just tell me in advance so that I can practise my kicks to give you a hard one. *evil grin*.

Stay strong and positive. You will make it through!!!!

Brown Rice Chips

2005-08-17T12:07:00.000+08:00

I talked about this brown rice chips some time ago but in my last trip, I didn't manage to buy it because the trip was too rushed and I was caught in massive traffic jams. This is something that I am not able to find anywhere except this place called "Cabbages and Condoms". However, Cabbages and Condoms is located quite far away and it is in an inconvenient location.

For this trip, I managed to get to this place and I did manage to get these brown rice chips. I didn't get alot as I was told they ran out of stock. This is one of the nicest healthy chips I came across. Justin and Joel simply love it and have been asking for it everyday. It's a healthy snack for them so I don't mind giving them these chips in replacement of chocalate cookies and junk food. Jin, I got some for you too.

It is made of brown rice. Actually, it's not even brown rice. It is made of red rice, you know the kind of rice that is totally unpolished. In the restuarant, all dishes are served with red jasmine rice and they basically served very healthy food. However, the food and chips are a bit pricey. Then again, they are doing this for a good cause for victims of Aids. The proceed that they get from the sale of these chips will also go to improving the life of poor farmers. Considering the kind of luxury we are enjoying, it's just a little that we could do on our part to return to the society what we have gained.

The package look big on these pictures. They are actually very small packets.

Hubby's aches

2005-08-17T10:26:00.000+08:00

I was very tired and slept well the entire night. However, being a light sleeper, I still woke up from time to time. I noticed hubby in pain throughout the night. He couldn't sleep well. His shoulder and back hurts and he kept tossing and turning.

I guess it is his injury. He already has problems with his shoulder and back. Whenever we go for our business trip, he was required to carry lots of goods and stock. I think it aggravates his condition. I am planning to drive him to a chinese physician for treatment tonight. I just don't know which is a good one. He has been to several and it seems that none is able to solve his problem. And I think one even worsen his condition by a wrong manipulation of bones, thereby causing him numbness at one side of the body. I told hubby that since his injury is close to his spine, I dare not just let him go to any chinese physician. What happens if a wrong twist of bone causes injury to his spine that leads to paralysis? I dare not take a risk here.

But, he has to go for treatment. He can't possibly be in pain every night. I have put up my request for recommendation in a forum and hopefully, I'll get good recommendation from there. I am also thinking of enrolling both of us to yoga sessions conducted by a professional instructor. Hubby has too much aches and pains and I think some theurapetic stretches will do him good.

My trip

2005-08-16T15:23:00.000+08:00

"Drained" is what I would describe my physical body. "Cranky" is what I would describe how I feel. Loads of work piling up, Lani and her moods, the demanding kids....

My recent business trip is nothing eventful. Just the hotel that I dislike. Oh well... I never seem able to find a suitable hotel that fits into what I like. It's either too "dark", too dilapidated or too messy.

This time round, I change another hotel and went to stay in Holiday Inn. I expected some kind of standard. Afterall, it is an international chain. However, it was disappointing. The place was in a BAD location and we had a hard time looking for food. I didn't want to eat street food due to hygiene. I don't mind if my purpose there was to have fun but because it was purely business, I couldn't afford to screw up my trip and meetings and got into food poisoning. I needed restaurant-standard food like a decent local restarant, KFC or Mc Donald. There was NONE. We ended up hungry and skipped our lunch and went to complete our task. We went to Chinatown, desparate for any decent food. NONE again. All were street food and we could see flies flying on the food. Arrghh. I couldn't work with an empty tummy. Luckily we managed to find a 7-eleven convenience store and bought the ready snack and gulped down our food greedily.

When I stepped into the hotel, I was scared. Don't ask me why because I don't know. I can never understand my feelings when it comes to such things and I would rather not dwell into it. The first thing that greeted us was a 4 face buddha which was quite a common sight in Thailand. Then when we walked into the hotel, we saw a huge Indian diety. It was for prayers because we saw the praying mat. I couldn't understand why because why would Holiday Inn, such an established hotel chain, had an Indian diety right in the middle of the hotel lobby and a 4 face buddha at the outside of the hotel? Hmmm... Jin, maybe you know why?

Anyway, my room was assigned at the 7th floor. Right at the side of our room was an empty room. The wall was kinda thin and I thought I heard some noise coming from the room from time to time. The next day, I realized that the room was empty. One of the staff entered it and I caught a glimpse of it. It appears that the room was deliberately left empty because the beds and the furnishings were covered with white cloth. How the hell then did the sound come about?

At night, we took a short ride to view the night market. It seems that the hubby was the centre of attraction. Everywhere we went, the women (or rather the MEN) would tell him "come...come...good sex... all positions". I was quite amused so I purposely walked behind him. One man even wrap his arm around hubby and inviting him for some good sex. LOL.

I wanted to go for a thai massage. I went into two and was taken back by the loads of men and women in a dimly light environment. It shoudn't be surprising given that it is a red light district but it is equally duanting to be massged in that kind of environment. I couldn't imagine being left alone. How to relax like that? So, I ran away. I gave up finding a place to massage in that area.

The next day was again a mad rush, trying to rush for meetings, visit to factory and so on. I heaved a sigh of relief when I checked out of the hotel. I will never go back to the hotel again, not so much of the darkness, but more that I would appreciate a place with more food. I can't possibly travel 20 minutes by cab just to get to a restarant and I am not willing to pay the exobitant fee that the hotel charges for a plate of sandwich (more than SG$40!). Day light robbery?

Duh....

Mommy's Bra

2005-08-13T10:37:00.000+08:00

Yesterday evening, when we came back from our outing, I immediately took off my bra as I felt very uncomfortable with the underwire thingy. I left it on the side of my bed and went about doing my things. This is what greeted me when I came back. They were crazy over mommy's BRA!

Jo's pre school

2005-08-12T16:25:00.000+08:00

The seacrh for Jo's preschool is on. He is currently in nursery in Kinderland. I would be switching him to another school after this year. So that means, he will start his K1 fresh in another pre-school.

I have seen quite a few pre school but none to my satisfaction. I am not looking particularly for air conditioned classrooms since no matter what, when they enter primary schools, they are not going to get air con rooms. But I am looking for at least well ventilated rooms that are not too cramped. So far, none meet my criteria.

The 2 most important factors I am emphasing are the ciriculum and the environment. I am looking more for a school with a play-based environment and creative learning while not neglecting the acedemic area. It's so hard to find!

I went to St Hildas kindergarten. I am not at all happy with what I see. The place is so hot and I feel that it is not well ventilated. Also, the school emphasis is on written work with tons and tons of homework, spelling and dictation. The class size is huge too.

Hubby however thinks that I am too picky. He cannot understand what is wrong with a school that has lots of written work since it is good for Jo as he is lazy. I am just worried that putting him in such a school will kill whatever interest he has towards learning. Hubby also thinks that I my questions are stupid when I asked the principals whether there are any enrichment
programs by the school, whether the kids will have their meals there, qualification of the teachers etc etc. Am I asking stupid questions? I thought it's quite relavant for me to make a decision!

I don't know... we are not agreeing in this area. And of course, I have the ultimate say. I told him that whatever that comes to the kids, I will seek his opinions and it will be taken into consideration but the ultimate decision will still lie on me. I just don't trust anyone to decide anything for my kids including the daddy.

So, the search is still on.... sigh.

YES!!!!

2005-08-11T11:52:00.000+08:00

Yes! Justin finally got into Kong Hwa School!!!! Hubby and I are so happy! Never in our life have we thought that we could be such nervous parents. We thought we could be relax when it comes to education. How wrong we are!

We have been nervous since yesterday. We couldn't even sleep until very late in the night (or early in the morning). We tried to pretend that it didn't matter but in our hearts, we know it does, because it would determine the fate of our 2 kids. Just imagine, 6 years of school life! It is not a long period, neither is it short. So, a good school does matter in shaping this 6 years of my child's life!

We went there early this morning. We were there early by half an hour. They were doing the preparation for the balloting. As the time draws near, more parents turn up. The school hall is filled with tension. Parents were called up to volunteer to draw the lots. Each parent will draw 9 lots. There are only a miserable 63 vacancies. Everyone sits down in anticipation. Hubby was with me. He was chatty but suddenly kept quiet. Yes, we were very nervous. I clasped my hand in fright. And many parents were breathing hard with eyes fixed on the board. Then the names were called, one by one. 15 successful applicants had passed. My son was not one of them. I started to panic. We were down in luck, what happens if this ill-luck thingy is brought to Justin??!!

I was prepared to volunteer myself for the drawing lots, just in hope that I could draw the lot for my son, when we heard it !!!! "JUSTIN" !!!

WOW!!! I slapped hubby's leg and exlaimed "YES!" I nearly cried! Hubby broke into a HUGE smile.

That's it! Justin is in my choice of school! So will Joel! A school that emphasise in chinese culture and heritage and good discipline!

Jin and Aishah, your turn next year. Hope your kiddos will get into the school of your choice!

My 2 darlings

2005-08-10T13:13:00.000+08:00

I manage to get some candid shots of the kids when they were playing transformers with each other.

Balloting

2005-08-10T10:30:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow is balloting day. It determines whether Justin is able to enter Kong Hwa School, the school of my choice. 77 people are eyeing for 63 vacancies. 14 people would be out and I hope Justin is not one of the 14.

The school that Justin will enter determine the school of Joel too. So I am getting more nervous as the time draws near for the ballot. Eventhough in my heart I am prepared to let Justin enter a not-so-good school if he cannot enter Kong Hwa School, I am still worried that my kids will be affected by the bad influence there. I have often seen kids from the not-so-good schools shouting vulgarity and vandalise the walls and the playground. They get into fights and are a gangster-ly lot. I do not want Justin and Joel to be with such company because I believe irregardless of the moral values that I try to instill in Justin and Joel, peer pressure and the environment play a part in shaping their childhood too. However, I know that if Justin cannot enter Kong Hwa school, I really have no other choices but to put him in that not-so-good school.

Wish me luck for tomorrow! Keeping my fingers and toes crossed!

Busy day

2005-08-10T00:03:00.000+08:00

Today is a busy National day holiday for me. I have been out running the entire day, plus work, it is really draining me out. Good thing is, hubby and I managed to bring the kids to see firework. It isn't a really clear view since we are blocked by tall buildings at the kallang river. But at least, the kids did manage to see fireworks!

More entry tomorrow. I'm dead tired!

Heartache

2005-08-08T23:23:00.000+08:00

I was working in my work room when I heard Justin coming out of the bedroom. He walked to another room and I heard him calling

"Auntie Lani, could you please help me find my torch?".

I was smiling to myself, such a sweet boy with good manners. I frowned when I heard Lani's response. An abrupt "WHAT!".

Justin carried on to explain himself that he wanted the torch that he brought to school today and he couldn't find it. He wanted to use it in the bedroom together with daddy and daddy had asked him to go out of the room and asked Auntie Lani to help him look for it.

Lani ignored Justin. And when Justin persisted, not in a rude manner, Lani was very harsh to Justin. "You go look for it in the cabinet!" was what Lani told Justin while she still sat on her butt, refusing to help. Then followed by a string of harsh comments towards Justin. Justin dejectedly turned and went back to the bedroom.

My heart bled. Does my son deserve such treatment? He wasn't rude. I would have told him off if he was rude. All he wanted was a torch. He couldn't find it and he needed help. He is sick, just finished his ventolin in his nebuliser, and I think that suffice as a reason to help him.

I stopped myself from any confrontation. I understand that everyone has his/her ups and downs. When one is feeling lowly, she may raise her voice on the kids. Sometimes, I do that too. So I know I need to understand. Moreover, I know Lani does adore the kids. It's just her temperament.

I just feel so much heartache to see my son so dejected. He doesn't warrant such treatment. He has rarely bother Lani. In fact, my 2 kids do not need Lani to entertain them. They keep themselves busy with books, toys and TV. They communicate with each other. So I don't see how they could have got on her nerves. All Lani needs to do is to provide them with food and keep them clean. That's all. I just feel so tired with Lani's yo-yo temperament. I have talked to her about this and she kept quiet. She has been throwing her weights around and I am still tolerating her as I want to give her time to adjust. I seldom intervene into her relationship with the kids cos I want all feelings to flow naturally. In comparison to Pony, she is a much less peaceful person. I no longer find that I am able to reprimand Lani without her getting agitated. Have I been too loose and tolerant of her such that she oversteps her "boundary"? I often wonder...

These days, I feel more at ease with Pony, eventhough I don't show it out. I just feel a sense of contentment that comes out naturally from her. With contentment comes peace from her too.

It doesn't feel good to see my son this way. If my son has done something wrong, it's fine that he's punished. But why should he be punished for being polite and nice?

Long Hair

2005-08-08T12:27:00.000+08:00

I promise myself that I would leave my hair and fringe long. I can't say I am as determined as when the time I was going on my losing weight regime but I would still try my best.

The reason why I am doing this is for the hubby. Nah... may be a lame excuse, but really, I would be a sweet wife for once and fullfill his dream of his wife with long flowy hair with fringe that covers half of her face. He said it would be sexy when we make love. But I thought I look more like a ghost with hair covering me like that. No?? LOL.

Anyway, for 31 years of my life, I have only managed to leave my hair long, once. That was when I was super duper FAT and I really hate the look of myself cos the long hair just dragged my face down, making my face flat, and I thought I looked like I was run over by a car.

But now, since I have slimmed down and eventhough I am still flabby here and there, I think I could pass with long hair that could perhaps mersmerised the hubby and maybe give him a good sex session with a mystical look of hair all over my face. So, lets just wish me luck! Not much determination here but if hubby continues to treat me nice, I may just leave my hair long, for him. If he makes me angry, I will chop off my hair. kekeke...

Some thoughts...

2005-08-07T23:43:00.000+08:00

This coming Sunday, I would be away on a business trip again. Not too long later, I guess, I would be away again. I used to like travelling, but I feel that I no longer enjoy travelling, not without the kids with me.

Motherhood has changed alot of perspective in my life. Before I had my kids, I used to believe that I would never be a mom who wants to stay at home. I would be a career woman, and kids would not be my priority. In fact, I wouldn't even want to think of having more than 2 kids. I told myself that I would find a maid to look after my kids when they were infants, then I would put the kids in childcare centre and later maybe student care centre when they were old enough. I would never resign my job for them.

Somehow, all have changed since the arrival of Justin and Joel. I am no longer as ambitious as before. My goal in life is very simple, to have a happy family and to bring up responsible and healthy kids. My greatest joy now is to be with Justin and Joel and to see them grow. But I guess, my life is not destined to be a "simple" stay-at-home-mom. I know I cannot leave the business. As an assumption, if hubby is the operations manager that sees to the daily smooth operation of the business, then I would be the marketing and communications manager that overlook the expansion, as well as the marketing and advertising needs of the business. Such is my role and it is nonetheless an important aspect which I cannot afford to give up, lest there would be repercussion.

I know I have to change my mindset. I should count my blessings. Afterall, I have 2 healthy kids and a loving husband. I am leading a comfortable life eventhough I am not rich. The expansion of the business would bring me away from the kids more often that I want to, but I do not have much choices, do I?

Sick

2005-08-06T23:31:00.000+08:00

Everyone is sick, or almost sick today, so we spent a lazy day staying at home. Anyway, with the mega event going on near my void deck and the few parking spaces available with the tentage taking up the entire space, I doubt we could find a parking space if were to go out and return.

Justin is down with high fever, dirrahoe and phelgmy cough. Before he slept, I put him on nebuliser as I noticed his heart rate was beating faster than usual and I heard some wheezing.

Joel is also down with phelgmy cough but he is faring slightly better than his brother.

Hubby seems to be going down with flu. He knows it when it's coming and he told me that he's going to fall sick.

As for me, I am down with a cold and has been feeling headachy, body aches and lethargic the entire day.

The kids and hubby have been playing with xbox almost the entire day, so much that it really drives me nuts. Hubby had alot of work to complete but I don't see him doing much, and the kids had became violent with the games that they played. I was so pissed that I forbid the kids to play. I know that hubby feel I am unreasonable but what the heck! If I cannot control him and his stupid games, I can jolly well control my sons! They are my children and I have every right to let them play or stop them from playing. I told Justin and Joel not to make me angry with their constant whining or I'll just throw the xbox away.

It just irriates me to see the kids constantly facing the stupid TV and getting wild and agitated when playing games. Hubby thinks that it is no big deal and it is a boy's thing. But to me, it is a BIG deal.

I hope tomorrow Justin will feel better. When he falls sick, he usually gets very sick and it worries me. I also notice the trend that when we change our plants, we will usually fall sick. I don't know why but apparently, it's all fengshui explanation I guess. Sometimes, it's not that bad if we buy small plants. But this time round, we have bought big plants so I guess the impact is felt much more. Usually, things will get better after a while after the "balancing" of qi is complete. So, I just hope all of us will feel better soon.

Feeling crabby

2005-08-05T11:15:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling so crabby today! I usually sleep about 5 hours a day. But today since Justin and Joel did not go to school, I decided to sleep longer. When I woke up, I have a massive terrible headache and I am so groggy beyond belief. I also feel like my whole face is swelling up. Shit! If I know this is how I would react with more sleep, I wouldn't have slept so much! I slept at 2.30am yesterday and woke up at 10 am today. Usually I wake up at 7am during their school days. So now I know, 8.5 hours is considered too much sleep for me!

Then Justin and Joel are falling sick. At first it was Joel. Now, it's Justin. They are coughing. Gosh! I hope this is not the start of the falling sick cycle!

Also, hubby irritates me. He talked alot about application of his leave and I really have no patience to hear so much of it. I know he feels happy yet is very concern. I know... I know... but please tell me when I am in a better mood. Not when I am in a foul mood since it would intensified my headache. I told him to shut up and slammed down the phone on him. Such a nice wifey right?

Then the whole house is so noisy that I feel like screaming! How on earth did the kids get so loud?? Can't they talk softer?? Why do they need to quarrel so much?? I feel like taping their mouth to shut them up! I need peace and silence!!

Talking about noise, there is a MASSIVE tentage set up in front of my car park. It is for the national day dinner this saturday when 3 constituencies of people are coming together under this single tentage to have their dinner as well as listen to songs and music. OMG! I am going to have a "GREAT" time this Saturday. I saw the gigantic stage that was set up for their roaring music and dance and HUGE speakers brought in. I have never seen anything so massive in my estate before and it is happening right in front of my house! The space of the tentage is easily about 4 HDB flats combined. Holy shit! Almost all the parking lots are taken up. I cannot go out or risk my parking lot taken. I have to stay put in my house and put up with their freaking chinese/hokkien songs and screams! Argghhhhh!!

Just pop 2 painkillers and waiting for the pain to subside. Meanwhile, whoever who step on my toe will be shot by me!

Picture taken from my living room window. Looks far and small but the tentage is actually in front of my house only and is big.

7th Month

2005-08-04T10:04:00.000+08:00

One year has passed and tomorrow is the seventh month hungry ghost festival. This used to be my most feared period because I had believed that hungry and angry ghosts would be lurking around taking lives away. I was told to avoid going out at night and we were not supposed to say anything bad during this month or the ghosts would come after us. My mother also told me that more people died in unnatural ways during this month and that really freaked me out. For certain, I wouldn't even think of travelling.

All this has changed since I know Jin. She assures me that hungry ghosts months are no different from other months. Everytime, everywhere, there are spirits around. That changes my perspective because now, I no longer fear the hungry ghost month but all the months! LOLOLOL! Yah boy... I am chicken hearted. Who on earth will be afraid of an ant?? ME! Even a small beetle will send me screaming and running. Jin personally witness my screaming fiasco and has to help me catch moth, beetle or whatever in my house. LOL! I sure hope the kids don't take after me. Joel seems to have the potential of being a mini "me", Justin on the other hand is more calm and cool.

Back to the hungry ghost seventh month, it doesn't really freak me out as it used to be. I even travelled during this period. Business can't stop for anything. The only problems I forsee during this month is the massive tentage offerings that comes with bidding where the man will shout at the top of his voice. Staying in a low floor unit, the noise irritates the hell out of me. On top of that, the burning of offerings at the void deck makes my house all smoky and dusty. That's just the disadvantage of staying at a lower floor.

Scared, Uncertain, Elated... what should I feel?

2005-08-03T23:05:00.000+08:00

Finally, the hubby's leave is approved but not without some shit from his director. In my heart and his heart, we know he will leave this job for good. Holding on to this job for 2 months is like a false security blanket. How to do anything with a mere 2 months of leave? I know there is no turning back. I support his move because I can see how unbearable it has become to work in that kind of job though it fetches a decent income.

I am filled with alot of uncertainty and fear. Hubby assures me that he will not disappoint me and told me to have faith in him. This is a turning point in our life and it scares me. I know life still moves on. We have reached this juncture in our life and I know we will have to make the best out of it. There is a reason for everything, for how things happen the way they are, and I tell myself to just go with the flow.

May I and the hubby be blessed with strength and wisdom to bring us forward to the next chapter of our life.

Happy and Sad

2005-08-03T00:15:00.000+08:00

Hubby would be applying for unpaid leave from around September to focus on our business. Currently, we plan it for 2 months. He hasn't got his approval yet but he would be speaking to the director tomorrow. Having spent in the orgnaisation for the past 10 years, I believe his organisation should logically give him 2 months of unpaid leave. Afterall, 10 years is not a short time. Now, it is just waiting for his director to give the go-ahead sign.

Now, my concern is whether I would be used to him staying at home and I faced him more often. When he's at work, I have some "me" time and eventhough I am busy, I think I do enjoy it. I don't know whether I can get used to someone constantly looking over my shoulder and see what I am doing.

Oh gosh, I don't know how I should handle this. On one hand, I am glad that he is finally able to pursue something that he likes. On the other hand, I really need my personal space.

My sister in law

2005-08-01T23:55:00.000+08:00

I am just back from visiting my sister-in-law at the hospital. She was admitted to the hospital because she started turning yellowish. She had been vomitting badly and suffering from very bad pain in her tummy and operation area. Doctor suspected it could be infection on the liver that causes the yellow tint on her skin as well as her eyesl. If so, it would be very complicated and dangerous. Result would only be out tomorrow.

I sent my parents there today and paid her a visit as well. However, I left the kids and hubby at home. She had removed her gall a few months ago and I thought all would be well for her. Who knows, she is now down with dunno-what problem. My brother is of course very stressed and upset but there isn't really much that he could do.

Looking at my brother's family, I feel that my own family is very fortunate. My brother's son is born with heart defect (hole in the heart) that doesn't heal by itself. He is supposed to go for operation since last year but his parents are unwilling to. Not long ago, my brother's wife had an operation. Now, she is suspected to have liver infection. My brother's job is shaky too. And medical bill is piling up.

Hope she would be well soon...

Potted Plants

2005-07-31T23:49:00.000+08:00

In my house, there are 3 plants that are placed near my corridor for fengshui purpose. They are placed there to block the bad qi coming from the opposite block. Right in front of my main window is the corner of another block of flat directly facing us. This results in bad qi, probably because the qi cannot flow smoothly. So, according to fengshui, 3 potted plants are supposed to place there to block bad qi that may cause our health or wealth to deteoriate.

This is very accurate. Since the placement of the plants, our health is much better. Justin and Joel fall sick less often. However, there is a kind of cycle. When the plants weaken and couldn't serve its purpose of blocking the bad qi, our health will in turn suffer. So, it would be time to change plants again.

Other than this issue, our house is good and has brought us much peace and happiness. So, hubby and I kinda put up with the inconvenience of changing plants every few months. It is a small price to pay compared to our overall well being.

We have just changed our potted plants. It has stopped growing well and the leaves have turned yellowish and dried up. Our luck has also been very down lately. We went to our regular nursey and intended to buy 3 more potted plants. However, the plants looked so weak and fragile that we decided to move on to another nursery. In my area, due to space constraint, we do not have many nursery. Even if we do, the selection would be very limited. So today, we ventured to the extreme west of the island, near to a cemetary where HUGE nurseries are located. There, we finally are able to locate very nice plants of what we want. And they are BIG. Not those small plants that we used to buy.

So now, in my house, there are 3 new potted plants standing firmly in my corridor, blocking whatever bad qi that arise from the external building. Hopefully, all will turn out well soon, and our luck will pick up.

Adoption

2005-07-31T23:16:00.000+08:00

Today, hubby and I talked about adoption. I asked hubby, since we pin so much hope to have a girl. Is he prepared if we have another boy? He frowned and told me he isn't sure and may not be prepared for another boy. Likewise me.

So, we talked about adoption and wonder whether it is a good choice for us to find a little girl to adopt. However, we have our concerns. What happens if the child comes with a whole lots of genetic defects or illnesses? I don't mean to be selfish but I am looking into the possibility of a lifelong "burden", even after hubby and I are no longer around. If it's our child, or I cannot deliever naturally, then I have no choice but to believe that if I have adopted an ill child, this is all fated. But because I have a choice here, that is to conceive and give birth naturally to my own child, I am wondering whether hubby and I should not even contemplate adoption.

Afterall, like what Aishah said, we are never ready for anything. If there is a little boy in my tummy, I'm sure I will grow to love him as much as I love Justin and Joel. We will learn to adapt to situation, isn't it?

Then again, all are too soon to tell. I am still very confused. Selfishly speaking, it would be very nice to find a little girl of about 1 year old to adopt. But I don't know whether I am doing something morally wrong. Gosh! What should I think? What should I feel?

Jin, Miracle you want? :)

Justin first swimming lesson

2005-07-30T22:22:00.000+08:00

Today is Justin's first swimming lesson. Justin refused to go for his swimming lesson, whining all the way and insisting daddy to stay with him.

We went to the Geylang East Swimming Complex early as I thought we needed to register him. We were there too early and hubby brought the kids to the pool first while waiting for the coach.

When time was up and Justin started his swimming lesson, Justin obediently sat with the group of 6 students. I was watching him from far while hubby brought Joel to the kids' pool and slide to play. I didn't like what I see. The coach didn't pay much attention to Justin. He was busy teaching the other students breast strokes and free style. I was wondering how is it possible that the rest of the students were able to swim and trek water when the swimming coach told me that they just started the beginner course. Justin couldn't even touch the ground of the pool. I was expecting blowing blubbles and learning how to kick. But they were teaching back stroke and breast stroke! Poor Justin was ignored throughout the lesson as he didn't even know how to blow blubbles!

This aside, hubby and I were not too happy with the coach. He seems uncaring. Justin wore his goggles wrongly (we were inexperienced!) but the coach didn't even bother to correct it. That left angry nasty red marks around his eyes, and his ears were swollen. Plus the fact that the coach lied to us regarding the beginning course when most students there already know how to swim, that kindda put us off.

On top of that, I was watching Justin from far. There was one point that Justin dropped into the pool.

Justin feet couldn't touch the ground so he was ordered to sit at the edge of the pool. He sat alot to the edge and he was trying to learn the technique of free style by waving his hands up and down. The floor was wet and he just slipped and fell into the water. I didn't even see that he was up to any mischief. I know Justin well enough that he would never be mischevious in this kind of situation. Joel perhaps, but not Justin. It was merely a slip and fell incident.

Justin was struggling in the water. But the coach didn't notice. Justin struggled for some time. Just when I was leaving my bench to rush to him, he managed to find the "wall" and pulled himself up. It was only then that the instuctor saw him, and instead of helping him, he scolded Justin instead. WTF??!! My son nearly drowned, was coughing and choking, and you didn't help him, and scolded him instead??? I had to force myself to stay where I was instead of rushing out to confront the instuctor. I don't know whether I am doing the right thing but I was trying to show Justin that there are all kind of "teachers" around including unreasonable one. I, or his daddy, couldn't protect him all the times. It is just how life is. Moreover, I wanted to obesrve the first lesson silently without intervening just to have a gauge of the suitability of this instructor. And Justin's reaction.

But it sure takes me ALOT of effort not to confront the instructor.

Throughout the lesson, Justin is very keen to learn and desperately try his best to do the right thing. He just loves swimming.

Anyway, hubby and I decided that we will stop him from attending further lessons. We are concern that this instructor will kill whatever interest that Justin has towards swimming. I remember vividly that I can never seem to learn how to trek water because of a particular instructor. I fell into the pool when I was young and I drank and choke on alot of water. And all along, that instructor was nearby. He didn't help me and that frightened me so much that I was slow to pick up new techniques. On top of that, he FORCED me to swim in deep water. I couldn't and I kept choking and "drowning". It soon became a phobal and I couldn't pick up the technique of trekking water. I just couldn't trek. I make myself go down the water. I know it is mostly psychological. Hubby tried to teach me. But whenever I am in deep water, I would start to panic. Even when I trek the correct way, my body would just go down. Hubby had given up trying to teach me because psychological barrier is something very hard to correct.

Justin was exactly like how I was when I started swimming with an instructor in a group. An eager beginner who dropped into the water, struggled vigorously with no help. I had obseved how the swimming instructor reacted towards Justin and I have concluded that I don't want Justin to follow my footstep. I don't want to dash that hope that Justin has towards swimming.

I have also decided to put Justin and Joel with a private coach. Eventhough I need to save money, I would rather forfeit the speech and drama classes and put him in a good swimming class. I have seen how enthusiastic he is and I would like to build on this interest in him. Moreover, his appetite grows so much after swimming and there is some healthy shine to his skin. I think it's good for his overall well being. I have never bothered much about his academic achievements. All I want is for him to be happy and healthy. If swimming is something that he likes, I would gladly support and let him pursue his interest.

Number 3?

2005-07-30T00:07:00.000+08:00

Should I have a 3rd child?

This question has been at the back of my mind for some time. However, I didn't really consider much of it. Recently, this question comes to my mind again. And I know I can no longer ignore it and I have to seriously consider and make a decision. I cannot drag any further.

I have been on contraception for the past 5 years. It is only recently that I am taken off the contraception. That means, I am fertile and I am capable of having a baby. The question is, am I ready and do I want?

I feel that hubby is in favour of having another child though he has his fears too. We both hope to have a girl. And hubby told me to read through some research to increase our chance of having a girl. He feels that another addition of a girl especially would add a feminine touch to this house and would be a great companion to me.

I have my reservation. I don't know whether I am prepared to go through everything all over again. I can't wait too long for a decision. It's either now or never. Sigh, what should I do?

Goals

2005-07-29T10:11:00.000+08:00

I believe in setting goals for myself so that I can make sure things are done. Every day, there are so many tasks for me to complete that I could hardly breathe. If I don't set any goals for myself, I will find that at the end of the day, nothing is completed. I set realistic goals, those that I find is reasoanable for me to complete within my given time frame.

This week, I set for myself 2 goals to complete.

1. Find a swimming class for Justin (and hopefully Joel).

2. Find a speech and drama class OR arts class at a reasoanble fee for Justin.

I have completed goal number 1. I have signed him up for a group swimming class at Geylang East swimming pool (a newly renovated complex) for once a week lesson every Saturday evening at 5.45pm. It is also at a very reasoable fee of $40 monthly.

Now, I am moving on to goal number 2. I have a few places in mind. I just need to do some research and find a good one with a reasoanable fee. Afterall, I am saving now and I really do not want to splurge too much money on enrichment courses.

At least, I am happy that Justin will be exercising soon with his swimming lesson. I like him to be involved in some sports instead of lazing around in the house, watching TV the whole day. Swimming is a life skill and I know it's good for him.

Hungry for food

2005-07-28T17:00:00.000+08:00

I am hungry now and I am craving for food! Nevermind lots of carbo, just give me food!

Brown Rice

2005-07-27T23:36:00.000+08:00

As I start on my diet regime, I decided to switch white rice to brown rice. Initially, I dread the thought of eating brown rice. It should taste horrible.

Indeed, when I started to eat brown rice, I didn't like the taste. I forced myself to swallow it. My dream of a great figure motivates me to continue. I stop eating white rice. For lunch, I will have half a bowl of brown rice porridge. For dinner, I will have half a bowl of brown rice.

Gradually, I feel that the taste of brown rice is not too bad afterall. I started with those "refined" brown rice. That is, there is no red husk on the rice. Now, I progress to eating a mixture of brown rice and those rice with red husk.

Once I am used to brown rice, I switch hubby's diet to brown rice too. I got alot of protest from him in the beginning. Now, he is also used to it. To us, we cannot taste the difference between brown/red rice and white rice. I am also gradually switching Justin and Joel's diet to brown rice.

In fact, I feel that I love my brown rice. I usually buy a higher grade of brown rice and it is very fragrant when it is cooking. Initially I didn't know that the fragrance come from the brown rice and I would ask Lani where the nice scent came from. When she told me it is brown rice that she is cooking, I can't believe that brown rice smells so good. It has a nutty scent and abit of pandan fragrance. Ahhh...just the thought of it makes me hungry!

With the intake of brown rice, my bowel improves alot. I used to have constipation problem. Now, I hardly have any constipation. It also makes me feel full for a longer period. I am also less lethargic.

Justin and Joel are protesting that I am introducing brown rice to them (mixture of white rice and brown rice) during lunch. I am very firm and will tell them either they eat it or they will have no food. With my insistence, I'm sure they will convert to brown rice soon. They are already complaining less with every passing day and finish whatever brown rice that I give them.

Ceiling

2005-07-27T12:00:00.000+08:00

I am so bloody angry beyond words! I cannot understand why the unit upstairs FOREVER give us so much problems! The family has moved, the unit is sold and now they are doing renovation. And still, the unit gives us a hell lot of problems. Water starts dripping on my bed again. What's the point I paid hundreds of dollars to get the problem rectified when it is NOT rectified? And dirty water stained my precious bed again???? The contractor said that it's not their fault. It's the HDB people who replaced the main piping. Oh shit, I hate all these finger pointing. I don't care who is at fault! SOMEBODY is at fault and it is not ME and you all go and sort out among yourselves. Just give me a leak-free ceiling!

Running errands

2005-07-27T01:25:00.000+08:00

I have been going around running errands the whole day, plus my work, I'm totally exhuasted.

Hubby was with me today. He took a day of leave to accompany me to the gynae. The morning was spent at the gynae. After that, it was rushing to fetch the kids from school. After the kids had their lunch, Justin was off to the doctor. He had an infection on his penis foreskin that needs to be treated.

In the afternoon, I sent the vehicle for servicing. Hubby went with me. I drove from one part of the island to the another extreme end of the island. A very tiring ride. We couldn't collect the vehicle immeidately, so we decided to leave the service centre at Tuas to Jurong Point shopping mall and hanged out there. It would take probably 3-4 hours for the vehicle to be serviced. We took a cab to Jurong Point, I had an unsatisying lunch of Long John Silver (hubby likes it) and window shopped. We had wanted to catch a movie but we were late for it. In the evening, we finally got our vehicle and I drove hubby to another far end of the island - Tampinese, to collect his game machine. By then, I was so tired that I could drive with my eyes closed. Hubby took over the driver's seat. He too was very tired.

By the time we reached home, it was already dark. We had our dinner. And I immediately started to work. So much work piling up! I just stopped working a moment ago because it is already 1.45am and hubby insists that I should sleep. He had taken a nap just now but I haven't and my eyes look as if they're going to drop out. Gosh! I have to wake up early tomorrow to work as I have tons of things not done.

I badly need a break. Hubby too. We are seriously considering going for a short vacation. The only factor that stops us is money. It is alot of money as we are paying for so many people. Moreover, we are vigorously trying to save money now so spending so much money on travelling seem to be uncalled for. However, hubby argued that if productivity for everyone rises after we are recharged, then logically speaking, it is worth the money spent. I don't know... Still considering...

Ouch!

2005-07-25T22:48:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was truely a session of jamu went wrong. I couldn't sleep well the entire night. I just need to shift my body alittle and I would wake up in shock due to the pain. I couldn't turn, I could only sleep facing the ceiling. Justin and Joel couldn't touch me without me in pain.

I am still in terrible pain throughout today. This evening, I was wearing my low cut PJ revealing my entire back. Initially, my hubby was wondering why my back was so red. We were in the darkened room making the kids sleep. He thought his eyes were playing tricks on him. He asked me to turn my back to him, he switched on the light to check and he was shocked to see my back covered with red bruises. That explains the pain that I'm expereincing. As yesterday was not the first time I went for jamu, he was surprised to see me in so much bruises.

Anyway, I'm still aching all over. I regret that trip to the House of Javanese Massage. So painful! :(

China Women

2005-07-24T23:24:00.000+08:00

I am bias against them. Maybe I have not found a lady who has impressed me thus far. I am just being surrounded by women who can't wait to lay on any men in sight. As a lady, I find that the action is a disgrace to us women.

My sister-in-law had a friend's friend who came from China and put up in their house. During this 1-2 months period, she ate whatever my mom cooked, free-of-charge. She has a husband and 2 children back in China. When she came here, she managed to become friend with another married man who runs a travel agency. She has sex with him.

When she goes out with my brother's family for meal, she will never pay. She will just sit there, waiting for others to pay and order food for her. She is super stingy.

When she goes out with my brother's family, she will stand very near to my brother. My sister-in-law will be standing at my brother's side while she will stand closely at the other side. She remarked that each of my brother's side has a wife. What a shameless slut!

I just wonder why my sister-in-law would want to put up with such woman and invite trouble for herself? She must be stupid beyond hopelessness. What kind of woman she is to leave her children and husband aside and sleep with MARRIED men here? Ahhh well... she is a mainland china girl, that's why!

Just the other day, she came to my parents' house while I was there. Nah... she doesn't deserve any attention from me. I'm just too bloody proud to even acknowledge the exitence of scum like her. She thinks I'm stuck up. Be it! I love it that way. I am a higher being than her. Oh well.. someone starts eyeing my hubby especially when my hubby was neatly dressed in pants and shirt after work. Wow! A good catch, isn't it, VERY good catch since my hubby is better looking than my brother and RICHER than any men she knows here (the man she slept with doesn't own the small tiny winy travel agency, it was owned by his wife and his expenses controlled by her). Ahhhh... and we have 2 maids! Filthy rich right??

But too bad, she can only drool. She is just an ugly piece of shit with a face that looks almost like a man. Hubby retreated to the room for his nap. When he woke up, she was still there. He is a dumbo though and didn't realize anything. He was playing with his sons, speaking in english. Wow! Another attractive trait for a man to speak so well in a language that she can hardly master.

It was fun but I despise her. It is women like her that tarnish the image of women, that breaks up family units. I think I much respect a whore than such china women!

House of Javanese Massage

2005-07-24T19:45:00.000+08:00

I am not new to Jamu, a form of traditional Indonesian massage. I have been going to Jamu on a pretty regular basis (monthly) for my health and for better blood circulation. I always find that after Jamu, I am less tired and lethargic so I think it benefits me in a way since I am leading a pretty stressful life. The jamu that I go to tailor only to ladies.

Hubby is always complaining of suffering from aches and fatigue. I have very much wanted to bring him for a session of jamu to let him try whether jamu will benefit him. However, since the jamu shop that I go to, do not cater to men, I have to forget the idea of letting hubby go for jamu.

It just so happen that I come across a place called "House of Javanese Massage". I was reading through the website and realize, to my pleasant surprise, that they do have male therpists for Jamu and they have a separate area for men.

After much force, bribery and persuasion, I finally manage to convince hubby to go for a session of jamu at $50 for an hr. I went with him too since I would like to try out a new place to give myself an alternative.

When I called up a branch at East Coast, before I could speak, the person on the other line, hanged up my call. Nevermind, I tried another branch at Siglap. I managed to make an appointment for both me and hubby. But when I tried making more enquiries, the person brushed me off and I felt more of a nusiance to ask her any further question than making an appointment.

Hubby and I reached the place at 3.45pm (our appt is at 4pm). The person was rude and abrupt. I mean, I don't bother as long as I have a good jamu massage. Off hubby and I went to our massage. I wasn't really enthusiastic about the ambience. I was also quite uncomfortable with the way they position their massage area. Each "cubicle" was only separated by a curtain that was too small to cover the entire area and we were supposed to be striped naked. It is just too revealing, in my opinion.

At the regular jamu shop I went to, I was given one disposable panty and I had a single room to myself. Here, I didn't have such luxury. A big area was shared by many and we could constantly hear bikes zooming past.

I relaxed to my bed but was soon disgusted by a saliva smell on the towel around my face. Obviously, they didn't change the towel after the last customer left. I just bore with it and tried to forget about the stinko smell. The therapist started the jamu. The session was so painful that I thought I had gone to hell. Yes, I know jamu is painful and I could take the pain, but OMG, this is hell! I just have a feeling that this therapist is not very experienced. I'm now ended up with bruises. I have never had brusies from jamu before. I am also feeling like my body is breaking into pieces. Usually after a session of jamu, I would feel rejuvenated, I guess probably due to the improved blood circulation. BUT, now, I feel almost dead. And pain all over.

Hubby, on the other hand, was so comfortable that he fell asleep throughout the session. His was also jamu went wrong. He told me the male therapist he had was a new one and many times, his kaki had to come and teach him how to massage hubby. On top of that, that therapist wasn't really applying jamu technique. It was more like "stroking" hubby, so comfortable that hubby slept. I asked hubby, "how could it be possible that you don't feel pain at all?!". It is like defeiting the purpose of a jamu. Hubby was also disappointed. He said he thought I have told him that jamu is a therupetic massage and that he was expecting some pain. End up, he just slept throughout and now, he still feel as much body aches as before he goes jamu. Like no effect at all. He said I could have given him $50 and he could sleep at home comfortably on his bed. He said $50 could buy him 4 Xbox games and still leave him with some change.

DUH.... it is not supposed to be like this. It's like doing "Jamu" an injustice. I had been to a real jamu and I know jamu is much much better than what "House of Javanese Massage" can offer. That place is too commercialised until it lost the magic of jamu. Jamu is never meant to be relaxing. Neither should the pain be intolerable. We should come out of jamu feeling better in our overall well being. Not leaving one feeling almost dead and the other feeling as achy as before.

The place that I frequent (Indonesian Herbal Massage and Spa) is only a small establisment comprising of 3-4 therapist from Indonesia. The boss told me that she goes to source for these therapists in Indonesia personally and she only accepts therapist of certain calibre because she has a reputation to upkeep.

As expected, hubby told me that he would not go for a massage again. He finally knows what jamu is like (injustice! injustice!) and he finds that it is a complete waste of money. As an emotional blackmail (I think), he told me that anyway, it's better not to get a man hooked to massage because massage is addicitive and a man could be so hooked to massage that he needs to frequent massage parlours. At the moment, he told me he hates massage and feels extremely uncomfortable when a stranger touch him, and wants to stay the way he is.

Well, since he wants it that way, be it then. Maybe, the amount of money he save by not going for any massage can be used to pay for more massage for me. LOL!

Edit to add :
Hubby was asking me why didn't I protest when the therapist was hurting me. Well, I didn't know that the pain she caused me was so bad. I thought it was my weakened body. It was only after the massage that I realized something was not right when I felt more lethargic than ever. And my body became more and more painful to the point that I couldn't even raise my hand without feeling pain. It sure hurts like hell now and I know I am going to have a jolly "good" time tomorrow. I have never felt such pain after a jamu before. Oh well, just my luck.

Necromancer

2005-07-23T23:31:00.000+08:00

With compliments from UOB, we have 2 complimentary movie tickets to watch any show we like. Initially, we wanted to watch "War of the Worlds". But hubby told me that it is quite badly reviewed. We have put off watching any movies due to our hectic schedules and overseas travelling. Today, as I sat down and read the movie section of the papers, I decide (with agreement of the hubby) to watch a thai movie "Necromancer".

The Ultimate Master of Witchcraft - Necromancer
Of all the mysteries circle in our everyday lives, of all the unknowns in our worst fears, of all the beliefs that we hear. Welcome to an action with suspense thriller story of a life reborn and an unconventional world of NECROMANCER.

A young cop finds his duty to be more than just ordinary when he is confronted by an astonishing rival, a former cop, with an exceptional power beyond any normal human beings. What first seems to be just another regular case of cop’s work turns out to be an intriguing pursuance of cat and mouse, leading to an ultimate battle of necromancy!

What happens when an extraordinary power is in the hand of someone that we fear? Take the journey to discover the dark side of the ancient Thai ritual, the devil buffalo, the devil three legs dog, a child spirit and a witness one of the most griping action with suspense thriller of all times...

Hubby told me that it is a movie about the world of black magic. I read the review that there is alot of blood shed and the movie is "dark", about the practitioner of withcraft and the sacrifices the practioner make etc. The movie is a Thai movie. I always find thai movie, especially their horror shows and those concerning black magic, to be quite real, eerie and dark.

I rarely watch horror shows nowadays as I understand how my imagination works and the detrimental results if my imagination overwork. I don't watch shows about ITs no matter how interesting the movie seems. Ignorance is always bliss. I don't know whether this show is about ITs. I don't think so since it says it is about black magic. Hopefully, it is something that is not scary.

Butterfly

2005-07-23T14:25:00.000+08:00

Jin, I think only you will know what I am trying to say.

Just now, I was lying on the sofa. Hubby was lying at the other side of the sofa. We just had our lunch and were full and lazy. Just then, a butterly flew in. It was a white, petite butterfly and flew gracefully around. Then it flew to our plants.

Hubby saw the butterfly and quickly told me "JXY is here. JXY is here. Hello!". I laughed. Hubby said "She wanted to be butterfly one mah".

Then hubby turned to the butterfly and said "Oi! Paisey. Today we never cook your share hor." The butterfly then flew out.

I laughed until my stomach cramp.

2005-07-23T00:12:00.000+08:00

After writing a whole lot of things to be posted in the blog, blogger just hangs on me and I lost all the stuff that I have written!!!

I am so pissed that I am not going to have any blog entry for tonight! Such a waste of my effort!

PJ

2005-07-21T20:10:00.000+08:00

Whenever I go overseas, I will usually buy something back for either Boo or Miracle or both. Most of the times, I didn't manage to buy anything for the mommy. During my last trip, for once, I decided to get something for the mommy and not the kids.

So, Jin, this is what I bought for you. PJ. Very comfortable buttons-up PJ or you can just treat it as a pullover PJ. The fabric is soft and thin, those kind that gets thinner and more comfortable after every wash. It is not as long as what it seems. It just touches slightly below my knee. It is not sexy but I think comfort is top of your list. You can wear it when you have people in your house or you want to pair with Boo's PJ :)

Pony's birthday

2005-07-20T22:13:00.000+08:00

Today is Pony's birthday. To celebrate for her, we bought her a cake. The kids sang her a birthday song. Hubby and I didn't really join in the celebration, maybe because we haven't warm up to her. But we did wish her a happy birthday.

My shipment from Victoria Secret is...

2005-07-19T23:19:00.000+08:00

... disappointing!

Firstly, I am not at all impressed by their packaging. Ok... I know I did not order alot, but surely 7 pieces of clothing deserves a proper box especially when it is shipped internationally? What they did is to chunk all the clothings into a flimsy envelope (hubby said like garbage) and sent them to me. I much prefer Amazon packaging, more professional.

Next is the clothing itself. Hubby has warned me that all the clothings look nice because of their models. And that there is nothing special about the clothes. I guess, deep down inside, I know that. But I just want to give it a try. And yes, what hubby said is right. There is nothing special about the clothes. Honestly, I could have bought similar clothings from our pasar malam without hurting the wallet and paying an exhobitant amount for the shipping!

Thirdly, I do not like the fabric. Though they said it's cotton, it is not the kind of cotton I expected. The cotton is either too thick or too thin. For the halter and tank top, they are made of very thick cotton, and therefore I don't forsee myself wearing them in our kind of weather. For the wrap top (which I think should have been made of thick cotton) is made of think flimsy cotton. I was still thinking of wearing it on the plane when it gets chilly. I don't think it serves the purpose of keeping me warm at all. What needs to be thin is thick and what needs to be thick is thin. Something wrong, right?

And the cutting! Nah...it's not what I expected again. The cut is not comfortable. Take for example the denim shorts. It is supposed to be low waist, but I don't see it as low waist. The rise is also too long and it's awkward. It is therefore not comfortable to be worn. And it is NOT a low waist denim shorts.

The dress is also another ugly piece. THICK cotton and where is the empire cut that they claim?

The only piece I feel is acceptable is the PJ. Though it looks nothing special, at least the cotton is comfortable enough to sleep in.

Maybe I'm in this line and therefore there are certain things that won't escape my eyes. Certain things which are acceptable to others is not acceptable to me. You wouldn't want to give me a pair of pants, claim it as "low rise" and expect me to accept it as "low rise". I may be a fool in other areas but I am no fool when it comes to my line of business. If you tell me it's cotton, and I pay a premium for the cotton, I expect more out of the cotton.

At most, I would rate Victoria Secret as "so-so". I won't return them because it is just not worth it for me to ship them back. They would most likely stay in my wardrobe and collect dust.

2005-07-19T11:20:00.000+08:00

I believe the hubby doesn't understand how much the growing up years of the children means to me. I have expressed to him that I am tired of working, that I wish to "retire" and just be myself and with the kids. It is terrible when I don't even recall when is Justin's spelling, when are the kids' school outings, who are their best friends and what are their latest craze. I long to be there during their growing up years because this is a period when I could shape their character. How long more would they want me in their life?

It hurts when they want Auntie Lani and not Mommy. It hurts when they make card for Auntie Lani and not Mommy. It hurts when they pick up Filipino accent because this is not the way they should speak, but I cannot blame them because of their interaction with Auntie Lani. It hurts when they talk to Auntie Lani regarding their school life and not Mommy. It really hurts.

However, I feel that hubby is not very supportive in this area. To him, he feels that since I am good at what I am doing, why should I "relinquish" my post? He feels that I am better than him in our area of business and therefore I should still continue. I feel like screaming at him that I miss my children! I have told him dozens of time that should one day, I pass on this business to him, I would still be supporting him and will not just dump him aside and leave him to find his ways out on his own. However, I feel that he is not contended.

He wants me to travel with him to India for business. How could I? How could I just leave the kids and just go? He said the kids has my mom and Lani. Moreover, it's only for about a week. How could he not understand the feelings of how I feel as a mother? Even if I were to leave my kids for just 1 day, it pains my heart. How am I going to leave my kids for at least 1 week?? To him, it's no big deal. To me, it is a BIG deal.

This has been our constant source of quarrels. We differ in our opinions and we could not meet half way. I feel that there is alot of expectation placed on me. Is this how my life is meant to be? Is this my destiny?